The bad dreams get worse every week, I think I'm losing a little of me

I sat alone in my car today and cried. I don't know why. I don't know why I get so sad around the holidays.

I went to bed last night, wanting to know what it would feel like to not wake up. I think tonight wont be too different.

I am happy I stopped posting the link to this on my twitter after each entry. It allows me to treat this like a journal, a real one. Cause no one really cares enough to go out of there way to read this. I have to put it out there. But now that I stopped, I don't need to curb myself anymore. I can be as pessimistic as I want. Nothing needs to make sense. I am just writing words. I am just typing what comes to mind. I am just slowly dying at my computer. Wasting every precious minute I could be spending with other people, alone, in my black room.

I noticed that I spend a lot of time playing solitaire in public; it's funny how even when I am surrounded by people, I am alone.

Negative Me.

I am in another funk. I have been feeling really irrational feelings. I have been having a hard time forming complete coherent thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I live each day as a suicide attempt. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like I have a hard time knowing people, but I am just having a hard time knowing myself. Who am I? I wonder.

Tonight we feel alive.

I feel that I should speak about a lot of things the people seem to be confused about in terms of last nights civil war on facebook.

First thing I would like to say, before I start dismissing the nonsense that has been used in the defense of Set in Color and Stereo Skyline, thank you all for the overwhelming support. It means a lot to myself and the other guys in Bellwether that people actually do care.

Next, you're welcome. Call me a narcissistic, condescending prick, but we got you all fired up, something I haven't seen in a long time. It was great to see so many people voice their opinion for what I am assuming is the first time publicly. Let us hope that this emotion carries over to live shows, cause the bands need it, and would appreciate it greatly.

Now, the part that no one wants to hear, because it makes their arguments null and void.

First claim: Bellwether is jealous of Set In Color because they are successful.

Reality: No where in the song did we mention success or jealousy. In case you missed it, go back to the site and read the lyrics.

http://bellwetherli.bandcamp.com/

What we are sick of, are bands being fake. Bands that don't write, record or perform their own music. Believe it or not, Set In Color and Stereo Skyline fit into that category.

Which brings me to

Claim #2: That you are sticking up for your friends/ boys.

Reality: They are not your boys. They were MY boys before the term "boys" was even a term of endearment.

Chris and I go further back than anyone seems to realize because he has basically erased me from his life. But the truth is if it weren't for myself and Matt Lags, Chris would of never been in a band; Set In Color would never have existed.

Kevin Bard is another person who I have a history with. In fact, he was the camera guy for MY old band Valet Parking. He even tried out for guitar once, and we ultimately decided it wouldn't work do to severe lack of ability to play the guitar (not being mean or an asshole, this is the truth).

I can go on, but will choose to stop because I will just wind up going on rants that will never end. So I will leave it at this.

There is more to the story than you will ever know! Quit pretending that you do, because you don't.

Heres my evidence, enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vbi12J-9P8Y

Skip to 1:10

Notice who isn't tagged in these next few, I thought he was at one point, hmmm.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=7276091649&set=t.794184114

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=7981052645&set=t.794184114

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=15660769114&set=t.794184114

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1030419598555&set=t.794184114

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=20087076413&set=t.794184114

I will admit that Kevin isn't tagged in the next one, because he doesn't have a facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=17817169023&set=t.794184114&pid=608593&id=624814023

Everyone, get your shit straight.

If you bring the heart then I'll bring the beat.

I wanted to write this sooner, but was side tracked because I had a pretty... ugh... a pretty interesting Sunday.

Saturday was Bellwether's (my new band for anyone who has not heard me shamelessly plug before) first show. I have to say from start to finish I didn't really comprehend what was happening, only in retrospect did I come to the realizations that I did.

I consider myself a veteran of the Long Island Music Scene. Wether that means anything to you or not doesn't matter, what does matter is that I have been doing the whole band thing for about a decade at this point. I have played countless shows to crowds of 5 people to 500. I have played numerous venues like The Crazy Donkey and The Knitting Factory and have shared the stage with bands like Catch 22 and The Ataris. I have been in AP Magazine and on MTV. I must admit that I am a well seasoned performer and musician. This being said, you may understand why Saturday was so surreal for me.

I showed up at The Vibe Lounge on Saturday a tad discouraged. The show was pretty empty with the exception of the first bands parents and Mark Masterson, who is a poster boy for the scene. I feel like everyone should take examples from this kid who as a Sophomore in High School started up LIMS Radio which completely boosted the morale of the entire scene and in currently working on projects that will make your head spin. Not to mention this kid goes to shows and stays for EVERYONE! One day his name is going to be uttered with the likes of Nat Giambalvo and Joe Ragosta, just you wait and see. But I digress, the place was a fucking hole.

Outside, Desmond is trying to push tickets and things were not looking so great. So typical me started to get ready to play for my girlfriend, my friends who were able to attend and the staff of Vibe.

I get a text from Travis telling me that the second band is on their last song so we should start getting our shit ready. When the band finished I walked on stage with my head hung low, bummed at the thought that our first show would be a dud. What I saw when I turned from my bass rig to the crowd was a first for me. Some how from the moment I stepped on stage to the point that I got done setting up the place filled in. It was in no way sold out but it was certainly a healthy crowd for Vibe.

With my spirits lifted I wait for the rest of the guys to set up. Once we got the go ahead I looked at the guys, Matt, Kyle, Desmond and Bryan and we all were thinking the same thing: This is it.

I hesitated for a second and finally got on the mic and told the crowd that "We are Real American Heros so please remove your hats and prepare for The National Anthem." We placed our hands on our hearts and Kyle began to play. For the first time in a long time something happened to me. I felt my heart pounding, something that had not happened to me since the first time I played Calvary. I was nervous, actually nervous. The veteran of a decade who has countless accolades was nervous.

Our set was not too different than other sets I have played. Energy was high, crowd seemed into, plenty of positive feedback. These things were typical, I was prepared for them. What I was not expecting, simply because I have never seen this happen before was what happened when we were playing our second to last song "With All Due Respects" (which we should be releasing today). Right before we started the song I walked to the mic yet again and simply said "This goes out to our good friends in Set In Color" which I am no longer ashamed to admit was sarcastic. Desmond looked at me with a nervous expression, as he stuttered about how he was not sure if we were gonna be so blunt.

That song changed a lot of things for me. Once the crowd realized what we were singing about, they erupted. Much thanks to Brian Thomann who rushed the stage to sing the gang vocals he recorded with us and Chris Regan who brought the mosh and who like Mark Masterson, I believe will be a scene legend one day. Kids I have never met before were all singing along to a song they have never heard, a first for me. I could not have asked for a better first show.

The rest of the night was also incredible. Life Between Sleep and City of Trees both killed it. I have been playing with those guys since the days that Valet Parking, Code: Adrenaline and This Endeavor were our main focuses and big names on Long Island. Seeing Life Between Sleep with the new line up was great. I had heard mixed reviews, but I have to say the new singer and guitar player are both excellent additions to the band. And City of Trees, my dudes who truly have found an original sound that suits them were incredible. As musicians, all of them have truly evolved into something great and it was great to see Zach, Cerney, Boha and Joe all back together again. Cerney, my dude, also dedicated a song with a hook that goes "Where has the heart gone?" to Set In Color. I very proud moment for me. Even more proud when Mark approached me and said "The revolution has begun."

I do feel the need to speak about Bright and Early, they came and gave it their all despite the crowd having dissipated to a handful of people. They deserved a lot more respect than they are given, especially from a crowd that went from explosive to gone. There is no reason to leave a show on a Saturday before it is over. That was the one downside to the night, the show was basically dead when City of Trees got off. There is no reason for that. Step up your game Long Island. Really, the scene is in your hands. There will always be bands and kids trying to make them work. But there needs to be more supporters of local music, not supporters of just their friends music.

All in all the night was great, with the exception of the minor detail.

Be on the look out for more from Bellwether. And keep supporting real music like Bright and Early, City of Trees and Life Between sleep. Be more like Mark, Chris, Brian. The kids that put as much heart into being in a crowd as bands put into playing a show.

I hope you enjoyed my novel, if you didn't, YOU CAN GET FUCKED!

nah just kidding... not really...but yea.

A headless and harrowing future...

I wish to break the binds that keep me college bound;

The truly rich and enlightened have done so before me.

I grow tired of the crippling capitalistic caste

That gags you, holds you hostage and rapes you.

Only to add insult to injury with the famous cop-out:

“This is only to better your future!”

What future?

The future that herds you into a career like you’re a cattle,

So your job can gag you, hold you hostage and rape you?

Only to add insult to injury with the famous cop-out:

“You are creating a better future for this generation and generations to come!”

What future?

We have a right to question why. See through the lies. Re-sensitize. And look closer.

A brief (and loose) political post.

Ever since I was a young boy, I never understood the point of studying history. My parents would simply answer with "History repeats itself, so we need to study history so we don't make the same mistakes." At the time that made little to no sense to me. But now, I understand fully.

I would like to present 3 events that are happening right now, and link them to events of the past.

Event 1: Ground Zero Mosque

Way back when, there was a kind in England. He religiously oppressed the catholics. Eventually, the catholics left England, made America and kicked England's ass in 2 different wars.

Today, Muslims are trying to practice their First Amendment Right of Freedom of Religion, but people all over America, the same country that was founded on the wants and needs of the present day Muslims are trying as hard as they can to make sure this doesn't happen.

Can anyone guess what may happen next?

Event 2: Gay Rights

Not too long ago, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. led the Civil Rights Movement so that people of color would have the same rights as whites and no longer be segregated.

Today, Gays fight the same battle for equality. Similar to how the Blacks did not have the same privileges as the Whites, Homosexuals don't have the same privileges as Heterosexuals.

Do we really have to do the entire civil rights thing over again?

Event 3: The Tea Party

After WWI, Germany went into a depression. With the people distraught and hopeless, they turned to a charismatic man by the name of Adolf Hitler. Hitler was at the head of the National Socialist Party, and they vowed to take back Germany and make it great again by eliminating the Jew.

Today, a similar crowd of thoughtless drones are backing the charismatic duo of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin, who will take back America and make it great again by eliminating the Muslims and the Gays.

Wait, Glenn Beck. He's the guy that calls everyone else Nazi's right?

Guys, I know this isn't the deepest and most well developed blog in the world, but the brunt end of it is there. Feel free to expand or argue with my views, but one thing is irrefutable. History is repeating itself, right in front of all of our eyes.

I can't take anymore of all the scum in this place...

So I'll go out to eat with my buds at NCC.

I know this is lame, but I hate like 98% of the people at Hofstra so any chance to meet up with all my friends at Nassau you can bet your ass I'm gonna take it.

So without further delay, here is my schedule this semester.

Monday/Wednesday:

Composition 10-11 am

Intro to Music 3-4:20 pm

Tuesday/Thursday:

Music Styles and Structures 9:30-11 am

Music Appreciation 11- 12:30 pm

Contemporary Society 12:45- 2:10 pm

Friday:

Composition 10-11 am

Tell me when we can eat!

Do you remember all of us together as we grew up under the sun?

So I haven't posted in awhile because every time I started to write something I felt like I was just doing more bitching than anything. But tonight I would like to talk about things I am happy about.

I have recently got involved in a new band with a bunch of guys who love just playing music which is such a wonderful change.

I have joined a film crew which is awesome cause its nice to be involved in something new and exciting with people who are actually experienced in the field, so I'm learning a lot of things which is great.

I have been reconnecting with old friends, and life is starting to make sense all over again.

Thats it.

Shut up! Shut up! Its my turn to talk...

... It is hard for me to find a good way to start this blog, so I decided the best way to start it would be to admit that.

I don't know why I am the way I am with some things. In this particular case I am referring to somewhat of a double standard that I can't seem to shake.

As many people may or may not know, I happen to enjoy consuming substance in large quantities. I also have no problem with other people consuming large quantities of substance. For some odd reason my problem comes in when this equation is completed:

Someone I care about consumes large quantities of substance+a cell phone= drunk texts= me a total wreck.

So in this case, my girlfriend is at after prom. I would be too naive to convince myself that her and her friends drove to the armpit of America to not drink. My problem was not there. My problem is that its now about 4:30 am and is telling me about how she drank too much. This makes me very uneasy cause she is in a different state and she is with at least 2 people that I am fairly sure would take advantage of her.

It also not helping that most of my friends were under the impression that I was going to cheat on my girlfriend tonight because I went on somewhat of a date with another girl. Proud to say I did not cheat on her, but since the idea is cheating on my head... well lets just say I have been shaking throughout writing all of this.

I try not to show my emotional side too often, hence why I use these blogs as a crutch to vent them, because this blog bares no judgement (until someone reads it and gets upset or offended but thats another story).

That being said, I still don't feel a whole lot better about this ridiculous predicament I forced myself into, so I'm gonna go take a walk and hopefully I don't smoke an entire pack of 54's.

I'm just happy to be alive...

First off, I would like to say that last nights show was absolutely amazing. We had a fun time playing and watching all our friends play as well. We also loved that the crowd was as fun and active as it was.

That being said, I would like to address I few points that several of my friends made to me during the show.

Desmond Zantua said it best: "Valet Parking breaks up and Vibe turns into an insane asylum. Why isn't it like this all the time?!"

This statement kind of urks me. Because he is making a really good point. Why does a band have to disband for kids to not only show up to the show, but go crazy?

The truth is more people should treat every show like the everyone treated last nights show. If more people came out with more enthusiasm and in greater numbers all the time, the scene would not "suck" as much as it does.

I was talking to Matt from VP a few days before the show and he was in absolute shock that so many people came out of the wood work online and stated how much Valet Parking meant to them. Where were all of these people who cared so much the last few years? Certainly not at shows.

In the words of Nick Ohrnberger. "This is our scene, don't let it die!"

If anyone does read this, don't take this as an attack, take this as incentive to support more local bands. The loss of VP was a devastating one, lets try our hardest to make sure that this doesn't happen to another great band from LI.

To conclude this post, I will shamelessly self-promote. Be on the look out for a few new recordings from The OverUnder, including 2 old songs done in new ways and a cover of a 1999 pop classic!

And of course, look out for good things to come from Matt, Travis and CJ.

I'll make the best out of a bad situation

It has been awhile since my last post. I have held off from writing in here for a bunch of reasons. Probably the biggest being that I did not want to hastily say something and subsequently fuck shit up.

I guess I will back track a few weeks to fill in all the blanks.

A few weeks ago, I had a pretty bad mental breakdown. I was desperately awaiting summer and it never came. I was under so much stress from school that all I wanted to do was relax, but the opposite actually occurred. Instead of being able to kick it, my stress levels spiked due to all the responsibilities I decided to take on that I mentioned in my last post.

I hit the climax of my stress the Tuesday before the show. My phone woke me up at 7 am. I ignored it because it was 7 am! My phone then woke me up again at 11. I decided that 11 was a more appropriate time for me to out of bed. I looked at my phone and saw a metric shit ton of missed calls and texts. I started to answer them all. Some time after I looked up at my clock and noticed that it was now noon. I spent a full hour responding to texts and missed phone calls, and they kept coming in faster than I could send them out. And then I snapped. I couldn't take being so heavily relied upon for everything. I then smashed my phone, punched a very big dent into my file cabinet and punched a hole in my wall. I then took every piece of technology I owned, put it in a bag and told my mom to hide it while I went out to calm down.

I am now doing a lot better. My phone still rings off the hook, but I have learned to just let it ring.

I decided that day that I could no longer be apart of the label and that I would stop booking shows. The last show that I did book went well though. I of course was still stressed out of my head for a million reasons, but at the end of the night it was a success.

Since then, I have kind of rerouted my summer a little bit. This of course would not be possible if a few things did not happen.

Thing one. The new drummer for TOU, Jason, has kind of been a fresh ball of energy and has been motivating us to take a more proactive approach to the band, which we have been.

Thing two. If Valet Parkings van didn't break.

Thing three. If I was not getting fed up with some behavioral choices of some of my friends.

Even though I know that if any of them read this, they will know I am talking about them I will say this anyway.

I have recently noticed that a select group of my friends rely heavily on smoking pot. It has gotten to the point where I am not sure if they do anything sober anymore. Now I don't have a problem with smoking weed, I enjoy the herb myself, but I was starting to get heavily inconvenienced simply by them having to smoke. Plans made with them would be delayed for hours. If I was at band practice, they wouldn't wait till I was done so we could hang out with out me having to drive miles out of my way, only to get high. I was even put in a tight spot when they smoked in a car at the last show I booked and the entire parking lot smelt like pot. Had someone who owned the place come by, I would of been royally fucked, but things like this don't cross their minds.

So I have been spending a little less time with them. I hope that sometime soon we can all hang out like we did last summer where being high wasn't the primary concern, but the secondary.

Till then, I will continue to hang out with some of the guys from the class of 08 and people in the scene.

There is one last thing I want to say.

In 2001, I started a band that grew into one of the more popular bands on LI. In 2008 I left. From then till now, I watched the band grow further and in venture off into new directions. Today, I get ready to say goodbye.

Valet Parking, like many other bands on LI, was started with a dream and a burning passion. I am sad to have to watch something that was so great and made me happy for so many years have to be put down. I wish everyone in that band the best of luck and I know they will be successful with what ever the decide to do.

I don’t think I wanna live here dying all alone...

Contrary to my last blog, summer has yet to yield any real greatness with the exception of a few parties and shows. I don't know if we have grown apart or if we are just getting older, but I feel that the fire in most of my friends has died. I am aware its only May and there is still all of summer, but last year this time, we were up till 5 AM just talking and having a good time. Now everyone goes in at 12 despite the fact that school is over. Yea some of my friends have work and responsibilities, its just a little lame, or at least I think so.

I guess I am a little stressed and I am desperately looking to relive the care free days of last summer. Lately I have been up to my neck in shit for the band, the label Mark and I are starting, the shows Danny and I are booking. And now I have just taken on the responsibility of promoting for an organization called Choose Responsibility, which is aiming to lower the drinking age to 18. All of these things are great and exciting, they just all give me a huge headache when they all need to get done at once.

What is killing me more than ever is the fact that I don't see Gina as much as I would like to. Recently our schedules have just been in constant conflicts. And it all really sucks, because now my psyche is in constant conflict.

I used to tell myself that I would never truly fall in love due to the fact that I want to live a tour type life style and because of that I would not have the time for a full time partner. But I am in love with Gina, and my whole perception of my life has been flipped around.

I guess I can only hope that things will get more exciting and that I will be taken out of this funk.

Totally off topic but I fell in love with this quote tonight!

"Well, it's a crazy fucked up world and we're all just floating along waiting for someone who can walk on water, man."- Michael A. Goorjian as Heroine Bob in SLC Punk

Here in this Diary I write you visions of my summer.

School is officially over and summer is shaping up to be a good one. So far there have been 2 bat shit insane parties and it looks like there will be plenty more to come. So I am glad about that.

Tonight was a little different though, it was much more low key. Evan got home from NEC today so we met up with Rob and got cold cheese. On our way home we picked up Lisa, a few cigars and we sat in Rob's cool shed type thing just listening to music and enjoying sweet tobacco.

I discovered that I absolutely treasure these moments. I have come to enjoy simple evenings with good company. We all agreed that the evening would of been complete with some beer or wine, but there is always next time. I can't wait till the weather is nicer so things like that can happen a little more frequently.

In other spectrums of my life, be on the look out for big things from The OverUnder and a few other projects I've been working on. This summer is gonna be BIG!

I'm another day late and one year older.

So I just finished all my finals. Most people would say I should be stoked. But I'm not. Sure I'm glad its over, but this semester handed me my ass on a silver platter. I am almost positive I just failed the easiest math class Hofstra has to offer, which I have to say I don't want to take over. My GPA Dropped from 3.5 to 3.2 and only one of my classes has been factored in. I guess I really just have to pray for a good grade in psych and a decent grade in history. I know I got an A in writing which is awesome, but the fact that out of 6 classes that was the only good grade I'm getting is really bumming me out.

How appropriate that its raining today.

I dropped my car off to get serviced a little while ago and I walked home in the rain. It felt so right to sulk as I walked home soaking wet. I guess I'll be taking some winter and summer courses next year to make up for this nonsense.

I'm thinking about dropping the whole music aspect of college. Sure I love it, but in the end, I am a Pop Punk musician and no matter how much I can fool my parents and friends, there is no way I will ever be a music teacher with that mentality, unless I teach Pop Performance at the New School.

I am thinking about taking up acting. I have been told that I am pretty good at it. So what the hell. If Keanu Reeves can do it, I can. Plus, Christopher Walken graduated from Hofstra, that has to say something good about the drama department there. I guess I'll see what next semester does for me. I'm taking 3 music classes out of 5 classes in total. Maybe I'll change my mind again.

I have to say that even though I am not obligated to write in this blog anymore, I'm happy I am.

I feel a lot better having spewed all my feelings out onto this. My attitude now (from my attitude when I started writing this blog) is if I fail, I fail. No ones dead right? Life carries on.

As cliche as this sounds, I guess this is my failure by design.

Don't ever talk to me like you think you know me or what I've been through. I am nothing like you!

There are a few things that have been bothering me lately. I try and vent them out, but I usually stop myself before I go on a tirade and subsequently make all my friends hate me. So I figured I would write them here. The problem with that is, I am not sure who reads this blog outside of my close friends and my written expressions class. So I finally decided to write this blog at the risk of becoming less popular amongst some people.

I am really starting to get to a point in my life where I can't put up with nonsense. And it seems that nonsense just seems to follow me where I go. People that I barely know are starting to talk to me like I have known them for years, and it bothers me. I try to be friendly to everyone, but just because I am friendly to you does not mean I want to be your friend.

Example: The other day, when I was playing that show in Hicksville, some kid came up to me and started talking to me about how much he hates the church and religion. I'm an atheist, and that bothered me. This kid knew nothing about me other than my last name is Bilder and I knew his friend. I never even got this kids name, yet within 5 minutes of meeting him he did not hesitate to start bashing religion. I don't understand what part of my personality even led him to believe that I would be ok with that, let alone even care about what he had to say.

The truth is. 90% of the time, I don't care what people have to say. And I hope people start to understand that. I have enough problems in my life already without people spilling their life stories into my lap.

There are 2 people specifically that annoy me on an extreme level and don't realize it, and one other person who does it, but I only see her in my philosophy class.

These 2 other people, are the type of people who are under the impression that I want to hang out with them and be friends. In reality, I never want to see them ever. Both of them just talk about themselves all the time, and it drives me insane. One of them has been trying to psychoanalyze me and that is also getting on my nerves. I kinda just want to tell them both to just stay out of my life, but I really don't have the heart to. They are both nice people, they just don't understand when someone isn't interested.

And as for the other girl, she sits in my philosophy class and waits for the right moment to interrupt and tell us all some convoluted story about how what we're learning applies to her life. But everyone can't stand her and we all vent to one another about how she needs to shut up, so she doesn't bother me as much as these people who don't understand I want nothing to do with them.

I apologize to anyone who actually read this rant. In a lot of ways, I feel like a huge hypocrite, cause why would any of you want to hear about my problem? But I guess if you are reading this it is completely free will with a few exceptions. In the end though, I feel a lot better having said all of that.

I promise next time will be more upbeat, unless this weekend turns out to be a disaster, but I highly doubt it.

MC HAMMER IS PLAYING THE BAMBOOZLE.

Well, not this year, but it was the only song I could think of with Bamboozle in the title.

So this weekend is Bamboozle and I am pretty excited to take a step back from college and spend two days in my element. I have already mapped out my weekend.

May 1st

12:55-1:25: Title Fight at Zumiez South

1:25-1:50: Score 24 at The Break Contest

2:30-3:00: Four Year Strong at Skate and Surf

3:00-3:30: Relient K at Sony Bloggie

3:30-4:00: The Aquabats at Skate and Surf

4:30-5:00: Escape The Fate at Skate and Surf

5:30-6:05: Saves The Day at Skate and Surf

6:40-7:15: Angels And Airwaves at Skate and Surf

7:15-7:55: Something Corporate at Sony Bloggie

7:55-8:25: Ke$ha (just for the hell of it) at Skate and Surf

8:25-8:55: Protest The Hero at Zumiez North

9:55-10:25: Architects at Zumiez South

Then it would be off the The Meadowlands Plaza Hotel where Robby, Desmond, Fawn, Sarah, Hannah, Anthony and I will live large in our

Two Room Suites: û Features King bed in private room û Queen sleeper sofa in parlor û TV and phone in each room û Refrigerator û Microwave û Whirlpool Tub in bathroom

May 2nd 1:20-1:50: Gabriel The Marine at The Aquarian 2:10-2:45: Mc Chris at Zumiez South 2:45-3:15: Polar Bear Club at Zumiez North 4:00-4:30: Ke$ha (this time to fill the huge gap in time) at the Sony Bloggie 5:05-5:40: Motion City Soundtrack at the Sony Bloggie 5:40-6:15: Say Anything at Skate and Surf 6:15-6:50: Mute Math at the Sony Bloggie 6:50-7:30: Matt And Kim at Skate and Surf 7:30-8:10: Girl Talk at the Sony Bloggie 8:10-9:00: MGMT at Skate and Surf 9:00-10:15: Weezer at the Sony Bloggie Needless to say, I am stoked!

I'm sorry you had to know me When I'm so fit to be tied.

Last Thursday was another sad day for music.

My band was set to play a show at a hall in Hicksville. This was not an important show and therefore it was just an excuse to get together and play music. Unfortunately, not everyone felt the same way. My guitar player Drew was unable to attend the show due to restraints with school. No big deal. We were just going to play the show without him. Or so I thought. Throughout most of the day, I was on the phone with either my singer Jimmy, my drummer Mark or my other guitar player Dutch. Not everyone felt the show was worth playing and for some reason made a very big deal out of nothing. Personally, I don't care if the show is big or small, with full band or just a few people, I will look for any excuse to get on stage to perform. Its what I live for. Nothing gets me more high then the rush I get from playing music.

After all the nonsense was done and we got all available members to the show, things seemed to be shaping up. Things did not shape up for long. The real problems came more or less towards the end of the show, when we were set to perform. I walked up on stage to set up my equipment and was very stoked to play for a fairly decent sized crowd. Another band comes up and tells me that my band is not performing yet. I was confused because we were literally just announced to play next. I told them that I had to get a 17 year old girl home by 10. This was no fabrication. They assured me they would play a quick set.

An hour later and the front man of this particular band had the nerve to ask how much time they had left in their set. Needless to say I was furious. They played one more song and then left the venue and took most of the crowd. This did not deter me from trying to have a good time. I did not mind playing in front of just my friends. What irritated me more than anything is that even after all the garbage I put up with; from getting all the available members to show up, to dealing with the antics of an immature band, our set was cut short. At that point, I grabbed my stuff and the girl, packed my car to the brim, and did 90 the entire way on the Northern State to get this girl home at 11:30, an hour and a half after she was supposed to be home.

Yesterday, I read my old friend's and old guitar player's, Matt Villani, blog. He wrote about how when he was 16, everyone in the scene was in it for everyone. Now everyone is in it for themselves. I could not agree with him more.

These dark times the scene has found themselves in show no sign of letting up and it is kind of killing me inside.

Sad enough to say that alone I could barely light a match, but together we can burn this place down!

Happy to say that life is still on the upside. A few nights ago I spent a few hours on the phone with Hannah. It was really good to hear her voice. We had another one of those talks that I can't have unless it is with her, so another big load was lifted off my shoulders.

I feel like every time Hannah and I speak I realize something new about myself. She truly knows me better then anyone, self included. It is that sole reason that I treasure the talks I share with her.

Friday was the Launch Conference. Given the circumstances, I felt the show went really well. I didn't get there in time to see any of the panels, but my singer Jimmy did. According to him, when he went to give our EP to CI Records, they informed him that they had heard of us. So I am pretty stoked about that, and I have my fingers crossed that something big comes from that.

Today might have been one of the best days in my life. Gina and I went out for breakfast, hung out at guitar center, and wandered around Brooklyn for awhile. It was a really great day.

I guess the best news I have on top of all of this is with the exception of History, I am basically on top of all my work as it pertains to college. I am almost done with my paper for written expression. A lot of revisions need to be made but at least the bulk is out of the way. I think I have one last test for math. I believe that I have completed my required work for philosophy. I am almost done with my research credits for psych. And to top all of this off, I got a job!

I guess that change I was talking about a few entries back might be happening a bit sooner than I expected! On that note, I am going to try and take a nap before band practice.

Summertime and the livin's easy

So it isn't actually summer yet, but you could have fooled me. I have been doing a much better job of keeping a clear head then I had been in the weeks leading up to this one and I think this has mostly to do with the amount of time I am spending outside. I have come to appreciate just being out of my house. Its nice looking at things that aren't on a computer screen. I have spent an extreme amount of time skating. I have been seeing some friends who take skating a bit more seriously then I do and it is kinda of forcing me to push myself a little harder. I just cleaned up the bearings and trucks on my board and my ride is a lot smoother, so I can't wait for the next big session.

In a lot of ways, skating has been the only thing next to music and Gina that is keeping me sane. The old saying "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!" was off just a tad. "All work and no play makes Andrew go crazy!" sounds a little more on mark. So the fact that I am outside and I am skating so much is so incredibly great for me.

And at the risk of sounding cliche, I will end this blog to go skate!

Monday she left home for New York City, by Friday she was found but torn apart.

Last night was pretty rough. I met up with my good ol' friend Nostalgia. For some reason I have this fixed notion that the past was considerably better than the present.

I will admit, last night I was... "silly"... While walking home from the party where all my actual "ol' friends" were, I stopped at the my elementary school bus stop. Granted, this bus stop is across the street from my house. I am legitimately looking at it from my bedroom window. But for some reason standing on it just let in a flood of memories that started from my first day of kindergarden and ended on my last day of high school.

In retrospect, the individual phases of my life, would hate each other, and that kind of bothers me a little. I understand that people change, and I do in fact fit into that category, but I did not realize to what extent people change. I hope that, for many reasons, I change at least once more. I hope that in time I grow out of the phase I am in now because present day me is a complete train wreck. A testament to this is that I am completely serious about myself being a total mess, and have yet to take control of myself and change it. It's not even that I don't know how to do it, I am just refusing to do it. I guess this is just college. Just like me in high school was just high school.

Completely unrelated, but the music video finally came out, so if you haven't seen it yet, its here!

www.myspace.com/theoverunder

It's not a change of taste, I was the one there last night

Spring break is finally here. It isn't really much of a break though. I have 2 papers and a boat load of reading, not to mention that the weather is garbage and I once again find myself in a familiar place with familiar people.

The song "Untitled" by Blink-182 perfectly describes how I am feeling with some people. I should probably say one person instead of some people. I digress.

In short, I have discovered that the tendencies of some people do not change. Example. I have a tendency to set myself up for disappointment. I go out of my way in attempts to make things happen, and ultimately find that nothing changes. I am still sitting in my room alone, waiting for a call. This is my third time doing the same thing, you think I would of got the hint the first time.

There are many paths this blog can go down from here, but to save my self a headache in the long run, I'm gonna cap it here with some lyrics from "Untitled"

"I needed you most
When I needed a friend
You let me down now
Like I let you down then

So sorry, it's over"

The enemy is everywhere!

I was going to write something original about the current state of the country given the passing of the new health care bill, but I am having a really hard time doing it because of a discussion my friend and I had on facebook. So since it has already been said best, here is my friends take on the current state of the country, and my rebuttal.

"Something horrible is happening in America. Something so unseemly and so provocative that I have been inspired to move out from three wonderful years of sheer apathy to render a public comment on the matter. In harsher economic times, more people pay attention, and with this renewed attention come voices of hope and voices of distress. With the passing of the new Health Care Reform Law this week, the voices of hope have proven how finicky they really are, while the voices of distress continue to frighten me to the point that I don’t know how their insanity will chart the course of my country.

This week, I learned that nobody knows anything, but everybody feels comfortable saying everything. I remember in 2004, when at the height of the Iraq War, George W. Bush came to my hometown and I couldn’t find a single friend who even had an OPINION on him, let alone were willing to come with me to Eisenhower Park to protest (I wouldn’t do something like that nowadays, I’m far too old for that sort of thing). But on Sunday, the second that healthcare passed, every single one of these friends was now the owner of a passionate opinion. Not only that, they were also now experts on anything and everything related to healthcare. The ones who only read angry articles about it of it call it socialism. The ones who only read happy articles about it embrace the rhetoric of its authors. I call it five more years of free living on my mom’s dime. Thanks for the good times, BlueCross BlueShield!

What really bothered me was that as soon as the bill passed, the country’s opinion on the bill completely shifted. Before it gained congressional passage, support for Health Care Reform was below 40%. After it passed, Gallup recorded that 49% of Americans had come to support the bill. What’s with the bandwagoning, people? Does passage of the bill change what it is? Or is it just easier to tell people that you liked it all along? I don’t understand the finickyness. I am led to believe by this that if the bill failed, its national support would’ve plummeted. In my mind, agreement with an idea shouldn’t be based on whether or not it is signed into law; it should be based upon the merit of the tenets of the individual idea, but maybe I’m just old-fashioned. But that’s not even what frightens me–that’s what irritates me.

What frightens me is that in a city like Binghamton, an economically deprived wasteland in collectively economically deprived Upstate New York, I now see protesters on the side of the road holding up signs that say “Don’t Tread On Me.” Despite the fact that this person, who was standing alongside the road in South Binghamton covered in filth, would most likely benefit from passage of the very law he was standing in protest of, he expressed a rage I had only seen before on television. This probably unemployed man had succumb to the belief that passage of the bill was the first step to a horrible thing: a full-scale government takeover of everything in his life. I don’t understand why he’d be upset though. If the government took over Binghamton, maybe we’d have some jobs around here.

Now that the verdict has been rendered, I see finicky supporters of the Health Care Bill sprouting up everywhere and that the bill’s opponents are going absolutely nuts in the face of its passage. Congressional Republicans charted a dishonest path. Mitt Romney passed a nearly identical bill in Massachusetts in 2006 that was applauded by conservatives at the time. It was even used by Romney himself during his presidential race to portray himself as a competent executive. However, once President Obama’s bill came into existence, opposition to Health Care Reform became less about disagreements with specific aspects of policy and more about personally destroying Barack Obama. At the end of the day, the Republicans were simply outmaneuvered, and that’s all there is, folks.

But it’s not. And now crazy people like the ones I saw on South Washington Street are everywhere, calling in death threats to politicians that they disagree with, and seemingly preparing themselves to violently rescue by force a country that they fear is being stolen out from underneath them. Demagogues like Glenn Beck are only making the problem worse, and I fear that as this problem spirals out of control, this whole Tea Party movement is gonna end with some crazed believer(s) taking it too far and causing some serious damage. The Becks and the Palins will blame Obama for creating such unrest that was able to spiral out of control this far, but the question must be asked: Who can solve the problem when those with power are powerless?"- Harrison Feuer

I have to say Harrison, by looking at the title, I was a bit nervous about what I was about to read. Needless to say, I am relived that you have not gone insane and remain one of the few people that still have a head on their shoulders.

As you may or may not know, this very topic has been a point of my tweets and status updates as of late, stirring up much discussion with some people who are completely ignorant as to what they are saying. The internet has made it extremely easy for anyone to regurgitate some right wing nut jobs agenda (and left wing at times) and have no well formed opinion of their own and simply taking what they read as there own.

The one thing that I have been repeating more often than not recently is that too many people all think that the mandate in the health care bill is going to destroy the country. What people have neglected to realize is that government mandates are not a new idea. In fact they have been around before this country was even formed. These mandates are called TAXES!

At this point I normally would go on a rant, but you have expressed most of my views in this note, so I will skip to the point.

The problem is not with the government, but with society. Not enough people are thinking on their own. There are no Socrates in America now a days. Everyone is ready to accept what they are told without questioning that validity of anything. I am not just saying this about conservatives, but everyone. When this bill came into headlines, I researched it on my own to form an opinion, not throw on MSNBC. Just some food for thought.

On a side note, this was extremely well written and thought out man. I hope you repost this somewhere for a larger audience to read.

There's a sick little suicide in all that we do...

This weekend, a girl I did not know from West Islip took her life due to comments left on her formspring.

Out of curiosity I looked a little further into all of this. There have been many pages set up in her memory and I even got involved in booking a local show in her honor.

As I read the comments on her memorial page, I came across some extremely hateful comments.

People said terrible things about this girl and even left some photoshopped pictures of her head in a noose. As I soon discovered, there people were trolls.

To save myself from going on a tirade of all the terrible things I would do to these people if I ever had the chance, I will end this post briefly.

To all the trolls out there, screw off! I cannot believe that people are actually taking enjoyment in this girls death, and the deaths of others. It is disgusting.

I'll have to take on this world cause this world can't take on me!

My spirits have recently been lifted! With the coming of spring, I feel new again. Its really sweet actually. Just to feel alive.

I have spent a lot of time skating and writing music. I also have been getting a lot of my school work done. I have found a pretty good balance.

Today I set my yard up. Pretty stoked to be having small gatherings again!

Fearless I wait here on my own.

It is a few hours after my last post. I woke up today to more bad news, what a surprise. This is going to get confusing so I am gonna have to back track a little bit.

A few posts ago I was talking about my aunt who has cancer. I should of said which aunt, because in reality, I have 2 aunts plus my mother who battle cancer. So a few months ago, my Aunt Linda had lung cancer. Doctors thought they removed it, but it spread to her adrenal gland. She recently underwent surgery to remove her adrenal glad. In most cases, it comes out in one piece. In my Aunt Linda's case, it crumbled into pieces. Not a good sign. We are still waiting for word on what this means.

My mother who has battled cancer since I was in 6th grade underwent a biopsy for her breasts. It came back negative. But now doctors want to put her on some medication that should prevent cancer, because they are a little unsure.

This morning, I woke up and found out that my Aunt Susan, who has underwent numerous chemotherapy treatments, can't get her medications because her heart is only working at 50%

Needless to say I am pretty shook up about all of this. The timing could not be worse, because I just got out of a pretty bad depression, and my work load for school is getting pretty heavy.

I feel terrible for my little brother. I am afraid that he is going to go away to college next semester, and half of his family is going to die.

I can't even formulate thoughts anymore. I guess this is the end of this blog.

But since your heads in the clouds the best advice I found is don't look down

It is 2:30, roughly. So by technicality, yesterday was my birthday. I just got home from our show in PA, and I am pretty drained. I have to say, since I hate my birthday, yesterday was perfect. It rained all day. I spent 5 hours in traffic to get to the show, got yelled at by the promoter for being late, played for my friends band (who in turn played for us when they played there set) and 2 girls for 20 minutes. My dinner consisted of an Amp Energy Drink, beef jerky, 2 taquitos and a Resses fast break, which I ate at a gas station. In my opinion, day well spent.

But I try, and thats why, this world will know my name when I die.

I have been keeping myself pretty busy lately, which is good. Most of my focus has been dedicated to music and the scene with a few breaks here and there to enjoy the nice weather and skate.

Last week I helped run a show. This show had no name or purpose, but I can see that it is going to become a revolution.

My friend Danny came up to me not too long ago and asked if I would be interested in helping him run shows at The Ethical Humanist Society in Garden City. He didn't even need to explain his motives and I was on board. Danny and I come from a very similar background. We were both brought into the scene by the now legendary Calvary Shows. The thing about The Calvary Shows that made them great were simple. They were there for the kids and the bands to have a good time. Now shows are mostly run to make money.

So last Friday was the big day. Our first show. It went extremely well and the best part about it was being able to throw all of the bands some money. Was it a lot? No. But it is a nice change of pace them having them sell tickets and have the bands wind up loosing money.

Danny and I recently started to get a little more organized with this project and make it a little more public. Last night I made the facebook group, this morning I wake up to a ton of messages from people asking to help and people showing an overwhelming amount of support for what will now be called The Humanity Shows.

A lot of people are saying the same thing. "It is about time someone fixed this mess." It was no secret that the Long Island scene was falling apart, but I had no idea that I would take part in rebuilding it. Some girl even drew me this:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5103400&id=794184114

Incredibly proud moment in my life.

I guess the whole point of this blog is that I now know what I am doing with my life. And its what I always have been doing. And I still don't need a degree to do it.

The lights went out! The lights went out! And darkness filled the house on a tiring night under a Long Island sky.

As per a typical day in the life of a college student, I wake up and go on facebook. It is a bizarre ritual that I am shamelessly participating in.

As I scroll through my news feed of 1700+ friends, I come across a post about a friend of mine that I have not seen in awhile. Today I found out that my friend Ryan Finn is joining The Navy. I got a bad taste in my mouth as soon as I read that. I am not upset that he joined The Navy, I am upset that I did not get to see him one last time before he left. He is only gone for 8 months, but because I haven't seen him in what feels like a life time, I anticipate these next 8 months to feel like a life time as well.

When I come to think of it, I have not seen any of my Oceanside friends in a considerably long time, with the exception of Cereny who I see at Vibe frequently. But I have not seen Tina since her birthday last summer, I have not seen Zach since Bamboozle, I have not seen Boha since Blink-182, I have not seen Mike since I went through a terrible heartbreak 2 summers ago. I have not seen Jon, Taco, Persall, Joe and Spencer in god knows how long.

If any of you read this, please understand that I am going to get out there as soon as I can.

It is so odd. If Ryan told me that he was joining The Navy the last time I saw him, I probably would have laughed, thats how long its been.

This very moment, nothing else is this important

I hit the apex of my depression this week. I am happy to say that I am finally happy. And with good reason.

Reason 1) My attorney called me after my court date on Tuesday. The great state of Maryland will drop all charges and records thanks to, believe it or not, Hofstra. I never thought making the deans list would benefit me... EVER! But it kept me out of trouble, so thank you Hofstra.

Reason 2) My bands music video is almost done. I got to take a look at 2 versions of it so far. It looks incredible. Now we just need to work out some minor bugs within the band, but for reasons I can't disclose, I have a good feeling about that as well.

Reason 3) Tonight, my friend Danny and I will attempt to recreate the high point of both our childhoods. We are running a show that mimics every good quality of The Calvary Shows. It looks like the show is gonna be packed so I am incredibly stoked. But even if it is not packed, I will still be happy. I am looking to build a legacy, a dynasty, with these shows, not looking for it to hit its climax the first show and have that be it. So we shall see what happens tonight.

Reason 4) After a battle royal with my... you know something? I don't know what to call Gina at this point in my life. Girlfriend? Partner? Friend? Lady friend? Well, what ever she is, we finally got to a point where we have agreed to work things out. I am just happy that this mess is over and I have someone to speak to now.

Reason 5) My final reason is that I got to speak to Hannah. For some reason, she has always been the one person I can turn to no matter what. I don't know if it is because the both of us go through similar situations at different points in our lives, I can't explain it. But for some reason we just click, even when we're not clicking, we click.

I feel like Hannah and I were sent to a rehab center together. Rehab for life, and we are each others rehabilitation partners. The one that is there to encourage you through the process of rehab. Whether or not she feels the same way is unbeknownst to me, but I assume that doesn't matter much.

Well I guess thats about all that I have to talk about. Its a little after 7 am, and I can't believe I am awake. I guess being able to sleep easy for a change does that.

There is one last thing that I want to talk about, but I can't so I will just continue alluding to it until the time is right. Desmond, if you are reading, thank you for this.

When Dogs Dream...

This awkward silence drives me crazy

My friends all think that I am crazy, that I set myself up for disaster and disappointment. I am not too sure what I believe anymore. Everything is starting to become a blur. In one instant, things go from fine to terrible to fine to terrible. Biting my tongue is starting to burn, like a lit cigarette on my flesh. I don't want to be just friends, but I can't find it in me to say that. I am braced for the worse as I walked naked into hell. I am scared out of my mind and I have no idea what is going to come from this. I find myself, an atheist, praying a lot. Praying for this to work its self out, for things to be okay. I am lost. Do I want to be found or do I want to find myself? I wish I had a heart in me to say everything I want to say, but my heart belongs to someone else now. She will do with it as she pleases, and I will sit and hope that in the end, it was all worth it.

Believe me when I say I'm not afraid, I heard the devil call me by my name.

In complete and total honesty, I am happy today happened. I was pretty miserable for a the majority of the day, but for the first time in a long time I lived life. I am in a pretty vulnerable state right now and as crazy as it sounds, I love it. I am braced for the worst and hoping for the best. I'm in a boat with my closest friends and we all have different expectations for each other, but none for ourselves. My heart is in her hands now, what she does with it is her choice. The thrill is preventing me from sleep. I have said it a million times tonight, if I walk away from this alive and with one good song, job well done. 2012 is a hoax, the apocalypse is now, and I say bring it on! I have nothing left to loose...

I looked out on the big field, on the big field it opens like the cover of an old bible And out come the wolves! Out come the wolves!

I have spent a lot of time staring at my cell phone. I scroll through all my archived texts and I read a lot of them over and over again. Its almost scary that the majority of my texts messages are from my ex girl friends and complete strangers. What is even scarier is the level in which I am connecting with these people. I get texts from fans of my band from literally all over the world. People from Tennessee to Sweden text me and we talk as if we have known each other for years, when in reality I have never met these people. 3 out of 4 of my ex girl friends text me regularly. Its not too odd for Steph and I because we see each other everyday, but I don't have the same kind of relationships with Monica and Ashley. Monica texts me once in awhile to see how I'm doing, I do the same. I hope one day we can meet up and catch up for real. Its been too long. We used to be so close, even before we dated, and then we broke up and...

Ashley and I talk far more frequently. It's weird that her and I connect better broken up then we did dating. I can't explain it but for what ever reason, we talk as if nothing ever happened, I mean that. We talk like we never dated, although it frequently comes up in conversation. We talk as if we have always just been really good friends. And I like that. It's nice to have someone to talk to like her.

It's not much but even these small things are helping me overcome life at the moment, and for that sole reason I am posting this blog. So the people who I have been talking to can see how much I appreciate them and so everyone else who reads this can finally read something that isn't overwhelmingly depressing.

Till next time.

Rhetoric can't raise the dead I'm sick of always talking when there's no change

Earlier today, I read my guitar players take on the problems with the present state of the scene. He made very valid points and I agreed with basically everything he had to say. I hope that he chooses to make it public, because it is a really deep blog, and was a big eye opener.

What Dutch did not write about in his blog were the problems I saw tonight, not even just tonight, I have seen these problems for awhile.

For quite some time, the hardcore scene on Long Island has gotten increasingly more violent. In 2005, a fight might have broken out at a show. Flash forward to 2009, it is almost mandatory that there is a fight. Not only did I witness two fights break out, one of which I had to get into the middle of to protect my friend, but I witnessed big twenty-something year old guys punching petite teenage girls. I have never been the biggest fan of hardcore, and I probably never will be, but it truly does kill me to hear my best friend have to say that he is done, he is done booking hardcore shows.

Its incredibly lame that a handful of people have to ruin something for everyone else. I know a lot of kids with PMA, and it really sucks that those kids won't be able to attend more hardcore shows at Vibe. That not what music should be about. If you need to inflict physical pain on to someone to enjoy music, your doing something wrong.

I try not to be confrontational, but I have to say this. If you are apart of Thug Squad, get off my island.

Our ethos, it's all we know. We can't let go.

Last night I stayed up late talking to Hannah on oovoo. I was supposed to go see her this weekend but for a plethora of reasons I was unable to make it. But non the less, her and I spoke last night.

I was able to vent out all my problems, and she was able to provide some insight on the ones she could, which was a huge help. Somethings, like my aunts cancer and what happened last Saturday night can't be controlled. But she helped me come to terms with the fact that I do still hold some control over certain aspects of my life, and now that I have a grip on that I might start making some changes. At this point I still need a little recovery time.

Of course she vented her problems to me, and it turns out her and I share one problem: we don't know what we are doing.

Both of us are going to school for music education. I can't speak for Hannah but I am pretty sure that isn't really what she wants to be doing, and as for me, I know what I want to do and no college degree is going to give it to me.

Music, for me, is like heroine. I take one hit, and I am hooked for life. It runs through my veins. I would rather play the same 4 chords over and over and over, the read Plato. I would rather write a song about the girl who tore my back to shreds the other night then write about Theodore Roosevelt's childhood is essay format.

I know after college I am going to be right back where I started before college. A guy with a guitar and a dream, and no level of education is ever going to change that for me.

I have been listening to a lot of Set Your Goals lately. These lyrics seem to stick out to me the most:

I found a name for what I am.
I was searching, trying to figure out why I did not belong.
It separates me from the rest
As the only thing that I identify with and I am still hear to say it!

I am never alone.
THIS IS A PLACE TO CALL OUR OWN.

Traditions, our mission:
To listen, learn, and pass them on.
Our ethos, it's all we know.
We can't let go.
The time is now to stand, be proud.
We all are part of something more.
Our ethos, don't let it go.
Don't let it....

When there is no one there to hear you the music will listen,
And when there's no one there to tell the words will write themselves.
So you say that this is trapping me. Yeah, and maybe I agree,
But there are ways in which I'm free that you will never be.

Been around long enough by now to know I see things differently than most.
But here, like-minded souls surround and I found a name for what I've always been.
So come with me if you feel what I feel.
We'll turn these words into something real.
Follow these footsteps, come into your own.
You'll never walk alone. We'll never walk alone!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll end off with that.

We'll keep on doing our best, even though our lives are a mess.

Tonight was yet another terrible night. I can't even go into details but I am pretty shook up right now.

I'm not here, this isn't happening

My optimistic attitude has been crushed. Its almost funny how once I thought I was in the clear, I get crushed by more terrible news. My Aunt has cancer. The doctors thought they got rid of it a few months ago, guess they were wrong.

To make things worse, I feel completely alienated. All my friends are caught up with their lives while mine falls apart. I was supposed to spend the day with just my girl friend. I waited from 8am till 2pm to even hear from her. Then I waited 3 hours to even see her and with the 3 hours time I spent with her and our friends, she acted as if we had never met. Didn't even kiss me. With no explanation she apologized and said she would call me later. I am doubtful that will even happen.

My email is overflowing with messages from professors about work they want done, I haven't even opened them. I can't bring myself to do anything but sit in the dark and play guitar like nothing else matters.

I am starting to worry that as people read this, they will see this dark, depressed individual. I am not really like this. I am usually very lively and fun, I promise. Hopefully by mid semester this is filled with more positive things then negative, once again, I am doubtful.

By the way, the beach was amazing.

I'd rather live life beyond my means the spend my life on my knees.

Life is finally looking up. My moms biopsy came back benign. Big weight off everyones shoulders. We are all happy here which is a nice change.

I have also got myself out of the rut I was speaking about last time. Also good news I guess.

I really don't have too much to say, I kinda said a lot last time. I think I might go to the beach now. I have never been there while it was snowing, might be a fun experience. The thought of going to the beach makes me feel a little foolish for writing in this now. Lets say I actually do go, and I do have this profound experience. I then come back here and write about it. It actually makes more sense to put this off until I get back, but I am still undecided on if I'm going or not. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up: These are the best days of our lives.

I have recently been consumed by indifference. It's kind of sad really. I am surrounded by friends who I know I can rely on for anything, yet I find it hard to confide in any of them. Not because I can't trust them. It's more like I don't want to burden anyone. So this seems like a much better outlet.

Cabin fever is starting to kick in. Other then going to school, I have only left my house once since I got sick. Communication with people other then my immediate family is very scarce, and I think the lack of contact with my band, my friends and Gina (my girl friend) is starting to drive me a little mad. I started smoking cigarettes again. I can't even explain why. I had no urge to smoke. Maybe I am just really stressed and playing my guitar isn't sufficing. Who knows?

Out of all my friends I miss Hannah the most. I am in need for one of our late night talks on the swings. I think I am going to take a personal weekend to Jersey to visit her soon. I swear this is like a cliche love story, only in the end we are right back where we started.

The semester just started and I am ready for it to be over. How sad? Not that I dislike school, I just long for summer. I long for the days that start at sundown and end at sunrise. I long for tour.

I think I have rambled enough. I will end with the second half of the lyrics in the title:

The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

P.S.S!

And the name of my blog, "Give me a chance to shine and I'll blind the world" is from the song "D.J. D.J." by The Transplants.

P.S!

I totally forgot to explain the title of my blog. Since I am completely consumed by music, I mean that, I am always listening or thinking about music. Really, watch me in class, chances are I will be tapping on something. Regardless. Since I am consumed by music all the time, I thought it would be cool to take song lyrics that I really like and make them the titles of my blogs. That last title comes from the song "The Fallen" by Set Your Goals if anyone was wondering

May I never loose my youth

So this is my first post. I guess the proper thing to do is introduce myself.

Name:Andrew (most people just call me Bilder)

Age:18 (19 in a month)

Location: 516

Now I guess I talk about what ever I want, right? Right! So lets start with my present day life.

My second semester is starting to shape up like my first semester. Everything at school as fine and everything else is not. I have been to the hospital twice this semester so far. Very exciting I know. It turns out that I am experiencing extreme chest pain due to a hole in my esophagus. It turned up on my cat scan that I took last Thursday, no one told me till Wednesday, how professional. It doesn't look serious, I just need to lay off the spicy food for a bit, which may prove to be more difficult then I once thought. I have become very comfortable with putting hot sauce on EVERYTHING! But I am sure I'll live.

My mom just went for her breast biopsy. Things aren't looking to great for her either. We all have our fingers crossed that its nothing too serious. I guess we will find out soon.

Seeing that my first post was overwhelmingly depressing, I will end off on a positive note. My bands music video should be finished soon. I can't wait to see the final product. The directors girl friend told us that it looks better then anything he has ever done, and if this is true I am stoked, because all his other work is amazing.

So I guess that about sums up my life as of present. Till next time.

-Bilder