This awkward silence drives me crazy

My friends all think that I am crazy, that I set myself up for disaster and disappointment. I am not too sure what I believe anymore. Everything is starting to become a blur. In one instant, things go from fine to terrible to fine to terrible. Biting my tongue is starting to burn, like a lit cigarette on my flesh. I don't want to be just friends, but I can't find it in me to say that. I am braced for the worse as I walked naked into hell. I am scared out of my mind and I have no idea what is going to come from this. I find myself, an atheist, praying a lot. Praying for this to work its self out, for things to be okay. I am lost. Do I want to be found or do I want to find myself? I wish I had a heart in me to say everything I want to say, but my heart belongs to someone else now. She will do with it as she pleases, and I will sit and hope that in the end, it was all worth it.