Gonna Take A Trip Down Memory Lane: Part 1, Early Childhood

One of my earliest memories is of my Great Grandmothers funeral. I was too young to really understand what had happened, but the day itself sticks out in my mind in vivid detail. It was during autumn. I remember this because there were brown leaves all over the ground. I was wearing a little suit, and I remember standing as still as I could. I remember trying to be sad, because everyone else was sad. But thats it.

According to my mom, I became very preoccupied with dying and death, and I assume it had to be around this time. I don't remember being so curious, but I do remember the trips to the therapist with my mom. According to her, I became too much to handle and she took me to a therapist, and rightfully so. How do you explain to an infant the complexities of dying? More importantly, why would an infant be so concerned?

I used to love going to that therapist. I guess it was because I was once again too young to understand what was happening. This therapist's office was in that big office building on Hempstead Turnpike, right by Lowes Theaters and Best Buy in Levittown. I don't remember what the rest of the building looked like, but the therapist's office was a small, dim lit room, with soft carpet. Every time my mom and I went, the three of us would sit on the floor and play Candy Land or with Lincoln Logs. I guess I was asked a bunch of questions, but I think in the end, the therapist ultimately distracted me long enough to not care about the inevitable and sent me on my way. I guess this is why I never cry or really feel anything when someone I know, someone I love, dies. I can't say for sure, but if I had to guess, I would say these early childhood therapy sessions were responsible.

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I don't ever recall a stage in my life where I found the opposite sex unappealing. The first girl I ever had feelings for, in the most remote sense, was Catherine from Pre-School. Looking back, I wouldn't say that I "loved" her, it was more infatuation. If we were playing house, and she wanted to be "the dog", I wanted to be "the other dog". If she wanted a toy that someone else was playing with, I made sure she got that toy. I was pussy whipped way before the term was even coined, and way before I would ever understand it.

I don't know why, but at some point I "graduated" from Pre-School to Nursery School. The difference being... well I really couldn't tell you. But Nursery School would be where I met my first real friends. Dominick and Alexa. The three of us were all from East Meadow, and oddly enough we all go to Hofstra now, weird. We typically did all the things you would expect kids in Nursery School to do: play with Legos and Play-Doh, run around outside, nap, pretend to be some dumb cartoon, all the things I wish I could do today without being diagnosed with some social disorder.

Other than making my first real friends, Nursery School remains important to me for two big reasons. The first being my first near death experience.

It was a rainy day. My mom had just arrived to pick me up and even though I probably had a great day with Dominick and Alexa, nothing was better than going home. I ran to collect my things, and slipped on some water from the rain and fell out of a window. My back was cut up from the glass and my ass hurt like hell from landing on the rocks placed outside, yet I did not cry a single tear until my mom found me a bloody and wet mess. I found out in psychology that most kids don't realize how hurt they are until the see the reaction on their parents face. I guess this is a textbook example. I don't know the statistics for toddlers who fell from a second floor window and lived, but I am sure I am apart of the smaller ratio.

The second reason Nursery School was important to me was a girl named Sarah.

Sarah was a blonde hair, blue eyed girl from North Bellmore. She lived at the second house on the right on North Jerusalem Ave after you make the left from East Meadow Ave. Sarah and I were incredibly close. Play-dates were frequent at both of our houses. After swimming in my pool, the two of us would bathe together. Sarah was the first girl I played "doctor" with. In other words, she was the first girl I ever sexually explored. A lot of our play dates resulted in us wearing only our underwear. I will never forget the day her older brother caught us. That was the last day I ever saw Sarah. Once again, I don't know if I would use the word "love" to describe how I felt about Sarah, but I do recall being devastated knowing that I was never going to see her again. Every time I pass her house, I think about stopping and knocking on the door and seeing if she still lives there. One day I might.

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The first day of Kindergarden marks the day I ever really felt overwhelming emotions for a girl. Her name was Kaleigh. She lived around the block from me, but we would take the same bus to and from school. When I first saw her at the bus stop, I immediately felt a change from within me. I was overcome with warmth and all I wanted to do was take her to my house and show her my fake pet fish. Kaleigh and I would spend everyday together for years and yes, we were in love. One of my moms favorite stories to tell about my childhood is about a conversation she overheard me and Kaleigh having that went something like this:

K: "I can't have a job, I need to take care of the baby. What job are you going to get?"

A: "I'm gonna be a paleontologist!"

K: "That doesn't sound like you'll be making a lot of money."

A: "Thats ok, we can live in an apartment."

K: "No, I want to live in a house!"

And so on.

Throughout Elementary School, Kaleigh and I would show our affection for one another by creating some really bizarre, whacked out version of tag that involved a lot of boys and girls chasing each other for no particular reason. Looking back, it really didn't make much sense, but I guess at the time there was no other way for me to show her I cared for her than to have my friends chase hers for the length of recess.

Kaleigh would eventually move to Levittown, putting our friendship on a hiatus of sorts.

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The kids I would meet in Elementary School would eventually to turn out to be the most important in my life, and if you care enough about the Long Island Music Scene, this will now apply to you.

Two of the first kids I ever looked up to were Jason Lopes and Matt Lagattuta.

Yes, that Matt Lagattuta.

Matt, Jay and I all took the same bus home from school. They may not remember this, but they were responsible, partially, for getting me into "serious" trouble for the first time in my life. As Second Graders, Matt and Jay found joy in cursing on the bus. Myself, being in first grade, also found it to be an enjoyable pass time, until the driver reported to my mother that I had been yelling "fuck" during the ride home. I started taking a different bus home after this.

When I was in Second Grade, my mother had to start working late on some days and enrolled me into Scope, a program where kids could do homework and play until their parents could come and pick them up. Once again, two very important things in my life happened during my time at Scope.

The first was my first kiss. Her name was Erica. Unfortunately, there is no cute story to accompany this tale. It doesn't make it any less important though.

The second would be the second meeting of Matt Lagattuta and myself, but I will get more into that later.

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Third Grade would mark the year that I officially became a "trouble maker". I began to use profanity liberally when my friend John has showed me how much fun it is when you don't get in trouble for it. During recess, we would run into the field and yell obscenities far out of ear shot of the guides, and for the first time I tasted what freedom was like. Being able to get away with even the most heinous of crimes and not need to worry about it.

I also learned how to solve my problems with violence in Third Grade. There are two instances that stand out in my mind. The first one being when Jordan, someone a considered a friend, took my Lego Pod Racer and broke it. My immediate reaction was to slam his head into the wall as hard as I can, as many times as I can. The second one was when Steve, someone I didn't really care for but I didn't hate him, stole my Pokemon Cards. I got them back from him that day, but the morning after, I close-lined him outside before school started and left him on the ground until my teacher asked where he was.

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Perhaps the most important event in my entire life happened in Third Grade, and that was my discovery of blink-182. Due to my neighbors David and Amanda turning me on to MTV, I spent most of the time I should have spent watching cartoons witnessing the only time when music would be played on MTV. Lucky for me, there are plenty of awesome cartoons for me to watch now, so I guess it evens out. I digress.

I was watching the VMA's terribly excited to watch artists I was barely familiar with win awards for more things that I was barely familiar with. Sure enough blink-182 would play "All the Small Things" and I would be forever changed. This was the performance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TIEUCMtosM

That 2 minutes and 42 seconds would be the best 2 minutes and 42 seconds of my life, making me completely forget about my trip to Disney World the summer earlier.

The day after this I went to Coconuts with my dad and he bought me my first CD ever, "Enema of the State". I didn't have the CD for too long though. It was promptly taken away from me when my mother heard the lyrics "He's a fucking weasel!" during "Dysentery Gary". She was double pissed when she saw the album artwork. But by that point, it was too late to save me. blink-182 stole my heart and soul.

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Matt and I would meet again when I was in Fourth Grade at Scope. Like me, Matt also had an undying love for blink. It didn't take us long to hit it off, spending most of our time at Scope listening to his blink CDs on his walkman and discussing which songs we liked the best, essentially "fan girling" way before the term was coined (I'm just gonna break here and say that I will probably deliberately repeat phrases like this throughout the memoir, just fucking deal). This would be the planting of the seeds that would eventually grow to form the band Valet Parking.

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I hit puberty in Fifth Grade. Needless to say it did not take long for me to get used to it. In fact, I embraced it whole heartedly. This became a problem when I was found going to www.assfuckers.com on a school computer with my friend Amin. The entire East Meadow School District lost computer use for two weeks because of this. Amin and I of course lost computer privileges for the rest of the year.

My Grandmother Molly died when I was in Fifth Grade, and this was the first time I was ever exposed to racism. I of course was absent from school for a few days and when I returned, I explained to my class that my Grandmother had died and my family and I sat Shiva, as is custom in Judaism. Sure enough, I was passed a note from a girl named Veronica that explained to me that my Grandmother was in Hell because she was Jewish. My response to this was rather... interesting to say the least, and years ahead of my time. I became a Satanist, in the loosest form.

I don't know why worshiping Satan seemed like the correct response to Veronica telling me my Grandmother was in hell, but I guess it made sense at the time. Sure enough, my two friends Matt and David (both different from my neighbor and Lagattuta) joined me, and each day we would "sacrifice" toys to Satan during recess and dedicated a shrine at a tree to him. I think this probably scared the shit out of Veronica more than anything. I assume she thought that Satan would drive up from Hell with my Grandma sitting shotgun ready to drag her down to hell and rape her or some shit, because she spent a lot of time pleading with me to stop and even pleaded with me in her message that she wrote in my year book.

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By the end of Elementary School, I was eager to move on to Middle School, so I can join Matt and all his friends in everything from school dances to joining sports teams. Little did any of us know then of how quickly things would change.

Gonna Take A Trip Down Memory Lane: Prologue

I think it was my senior year in high school when I first attempted to write out the story of my life. It was rather well received when I wrote it and I was pretty proud of it then. I have recently went back to read it again today and, well, it really wasn't written too well. Some huge parts of my life were completely left out and to be completely honest, I wasn't that great of a writer.

If I am guessing correctly, it is about 3 years later and my writing has improved greatly. Going to college will do that I guess. So I am going to attempt to do it again, but this time a little differently. The first time I did this, I tried to finish it in one night. This time I am going to take my time, and flesh it out over a few weeks.

I am doing this because I feel like it is a good way to let people know who I am, not just some guy in a band who is naked all the time.

Another reason I am doing this is because I truly do think I have a noteworthy life. Not to say that other people do not, it is just that I am kind of a much different person than most people, and my closest of friends can confirm that for you.

I guess I picked a shitty week to start this, because I do have important papers that I need to finish by the end of the week, but the truth is, I really don't feel like writing about anything else at the moment.

So here it is. What I am about to write, and what you are about to read, is the story of a boy who couldn't keep himself out of trouble, grew up too fast, fell in love with music, made great and lost great friends, made a name for himself, struggled with many hardships, stuck to his guns and tried his hardest to be an honest and genuine person throughout his existence. This is the full story of me, Andrew Bilder, free of falsehoods and exaggerations.

Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles, facades are a fire on the skin..

I am going to preface this blog by stating that I don't want help, I don't want sympathy, I don't want to talk about it, I don't even want compassion. If you loathe me, continue to fucking loathe me. What I do want is understanding. I am writing this blog, against my better judgement, as a way to vent my feelings and warn anyone who reads this that I am going to be on edge for sometime. So instead of keeping it a secret and waiting for something to go wrong before I sit down and write this, I am just going to get it out of the way now, because truthfully I can't handle much more bullshit than what I am already dealing with.

I can't sleep for shit anymore. I don't know if I am sick or not, but my tonsils are literally touching. Throughout the night I wake up unable to breath. My sleep apnea has been a problem in the past, but never this consistently.

I eventually gave up on trying to sleep and made my way down stairs to spend some time with my family before Zach heads back to college. Instead of this, I am informed that my Great Aunt Flo has died. I know it sounds weird, but I got to know her better than some of my actual grandparents, because they all died when I was much younger. The news upset me, but I guess it annoyed me more than anything else. And here is why.

The day before Thanksgiving my mom received a phone call informing her that she has breast cancer in both breasts. My family has been living in a somewhat numb manner. I personally have revisited some old habits that I am not proud of and coupled that with getting very drunk and very high. This may be why I can't sleep so well. I have literally abused my body to the core every night since we got the news.

This week will start the hell that is the reality of living with a cancer patient. Delegating my time was a hard enough task when I only had to worry about the band, school and working. And working happened so scarcely that it really didn't consume much time. But now I have to make time to take my mom to doctors and all that shit, and I lot of things are going to have to take the back seat.

So like I said at the beginning of this blog, I am only looking for understanding through all of this. Thanks for your time.

We've got the dream alive in us.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that this blog is gonna be about what has been going on today.

First and foremost, I just want to start off by saying that I am blown away about how positively the split, and more importantly, the cause are being received. It is truly amazing how a community can pull together for a cause like this and spread it like wild fire.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about in this blog.

A few years ago, you would hear people saying the scene on Long Island is dead. I must admit that I agreed with that statement. But you no longer hear people say that anymore. Is it because more bands are writing music from an admirable place? Perhaps that has something to do with it. But I think it is something much deeper than that.

What I realized today is that the morale of the scene is a lot stronger than it was a few years ago. And I think it has to do with bands trying to support other bands again, just as much as I think it is fans taking a proactive approach and really getting involved, creating a dynamic between bands and fans that is more like a family. Today I noticed 4 bands, Life Between Sleep, Giants at Large, With The Punches and A Loss For Words all post about the split for Mitch. It made me ecstatic. Because for the first time in a long time, bands are supporting bands, fans are supporting bands and bands are supporting fans.

I think it is this dynamic that is necessary to keep the scene on Long Island thriving. If we can keep rivalries to a low and support at a high, there is no reason for the scene to ever die again.

If you haven't already, check out this split, and try to give a little. If you can't give, spread the word.

Thank you all so much.

<3

http://music.meadowbrookrecords.com/album/for-our-friend-mitch

You let me down for the last time, truth prevails, and there's nothing you can hide. And I wash my hands of you, getting on with my life.

It has been almost a month since I posted a blog entry. I do recall a few times that I attempted at writing something, but a lot of the time it just kind of felt contrived and selfish, so I opted out of ever finishing them. However, I do feel it is healthy for me to post in here, so if this is nothing more than a bunch of ramblings (which most of these posts are), at least I wrote something.

College life still doesn't seem to be working out for me. I feel like I am always being consumed by a cluster fuck of papers and exams. I am doing well on most of these, I just kind of really need a moment to breath. I am always worrying about deadlines, and I get so caught up with other things that I kind of lose sight of the point of all of this, which makes completing these tasks so much more difficult. My social life at Hofstra has taken a turn for the better though. I have been hanging out on campus a lot more and I have met some really interesting people who aren't totally brain dead, a quality that is hard to come by in this school. So if anything, at least I am having a good time.

Bellwether just bought a van. I am pretty stoked to tour this winter. If anything, I am just excited to be away from Long Island for a bit. Of course playing music with the guys is the number one most important thing, I just feel like I haven't gotten away in awhile. The past few out of state shows were great. I had a blast in MA and VA, and I can't wait to do it again.

I have recently been talking to this girl Molly. I am pleased to say that we are building the foundations of what I hope will be a healthy relationship in any sense. I still have a lot to learn about her, and I am excited to take the plunge. The fact that she is intelligent, caring, funny, modest, open minded and mature is such a breath of fresh air. And I couldn't ask for it at a better time. I don't know what will come of all of this. It is difficult being in a touring band and having a stable relationship back at home, but she seems really special. I mean she has me talking in hashtags all the time. But regardless of what happens, I am happy to say that she is in my life.

I have been a little more stable recently. I have stopped going out of my way to make myself crazy. I don't know why, but for a long time I felt the need to continuously search for information that no longer concerns me but bothered me as if it still did. I needed to move on, and it took me awhile, but I am finally done and over it. I am defiantly in a better place now.

I guess that sums it up. I get to see Hannah for a bit tomorrow. I am very stoked. I miss her like hell.

I'm constantly goin through crisis, so maybe I could remain silent, but I ain't got no reason to hide it.

I find that it is much easier for me to write in this blog when I feel stressed out. I guess its just more fun to bitch and complain. And I guess I kind of need a break from typing up papers to type something that will alleviate a little stress.

Life right now... well life is a big mess for me. And its not necessarily a bad mess, its just that my life is in general is messy. I have a lot of things going on in my life and I guess I can just be easily overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago was Bellwethers EP release, and I think that was probably around the last time I felt sane. The show itself was defiantly something that I needed. Nothing could ever make me feel like I'm not worthless the way playing music does. It always doesn't hurt to have the most incredible fan base a band could ask for. They come out and give their all no matter what. It really does mean the world to me. Without all you guys, I probably would of been a statistic for the Verrazano Bridge by now.

Big things are coming up for Bellwether too. I am not sure how much I am allowed to say, but we are getting out of state very soon, and fairly frequently.

I met a lovely girl recently. She is me with vagina. Loves music, loves Star Wars is terribly adorable. It just so happens that as soon as things were starting to build up momentum, I lose it. I just couldn't handle it. I don't know if its still too soon for me to get into anything serious, or if I am just so consumed by all thats going on recently that I just bailed like an asshole, but whatever I am having anxiety about, I hope it passes soon. I haven't spoke to her in about a day, and I am conscious of how shitty that is, especially because she is so sweet, but I think, at least for now, its best if I just keep to myself till I can get a grip on all this shit.

I have been acting rather reckless recently.

I did the Broadway Bomb last Saturday with James, Bob, Rob and Nick. It was truly one of the greatest experiences of my life. I have to say that there was something about the race that just made me feel whole. Perhaps its the liberating feeling of totally disregarding the law and risking your life competing to cross through red lights and not get annihilated between a bus and a taxi that I needed to reassure me that life isn't this completely dark and abysmal waste land that we occupy until we die.

Aside from the Bomb, there were a few instances of anonymous group sex that took place since my last post, which basically sums up my reckless behavior. Wild times.

I guess I really should get back to my papers. I can honestly say that I feel a little more calm and relaxed having wrote this.

Good job Andrew, good job.

This is me coming clean.

As I sit in my room mulling over the new EP, I can feel the tears swell up and out of my eyes. This band has existed over a little more than a year and it has been a roller-coaster ride, and everything we have ever said or done in this band will all accumulate this Saturday.

I am writing this not to promote the show, not to promote the EP and not to rant on about some nonsense. I am writing this to say all the things that I feel need to be said in regards to all of this. I have a feeling that emotions will be running high on Saturday, so it is best that I say all of this now before I become too overwhelmed and can't phrase it just right.

This band started with the intention of 5 dudes coming together to make some music that others might enjoy. We had no idea that THIS was going to come out of it.

From the absolute bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you to everyone who stood by us. Thank you to everyone who learned the words to the songs simply by coming to as many shows as possible and for making those shows seem like the most important thing happening in the world at that moment. Thank all of you for spreading our word like wild fire. Thank you for being so patient for this EP. And thank you for being our friends.

The line between friend and fan gets blurred pretty often. I think that this is the exception to the rule. When no one else was there to listen, you guys were.

So thank you guys for everything.

If you haven't checked out the EP yet...

Listen to it here:

http://www.xeasycorex.net/2011/09/exclusive-bellwether-elephant-in-room.html

Pre-order it here:

http://meadowbrookrecords.bandcamp.com/album/the-elephant-in-the-room

Watch it happen here:

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=237278002975264

Thank all of you so much, this means the world to me.

I'm not sad anymore...

I am just slightly irritated and beyond flabbergasted.

Guys, I think it is great that you have all found a band that has said something that bands like H2O, to a lesser extent Set Your Goals and countless others have been saying for years. But this shit has got to stop. The Upsides was great for what it stood for a year ago. Now it has become like an oath for anyone associated with pop punk. When Kevin posted a link to a facebook page for a company that is going to be making profit off selling bracelets that say "I'm not sad anymore", I died a little inside. I am beginning to fear that this overwhelming influence that The Wonder Years seems to have is going to result in a loss of creativity and originality.

I guess my main point is this, and I'll even say it in a way everyone can understand: '

Can someone tell these kids liking the rain "I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE" no longer counts as an idiosyncrasy.

P.S. I would like to state that I do in fact like The Wonder Years and I do enjoy listening to The Upsides. However, by putting a price on a message severely decreases the value of the sentiment itself (as if it wasn't cheapened enough by its seemingly never ending utterance).

The entire idea of selling this message is no different and no better than pop bands selling their image.

I saw your ghost tonight.

As promised, here is the blog about blink, and the a whole bunch of other seemingly unrelated nonsense.

So on Friday, Travis, Nick, Hannah, Ally, Heather and Ian all took a trip out to Hershey Park to go camping, ride some coasters and see blink. I had been looking forward to this weekend for a long time because it was really like a vacation. I was able to escape the hellish life that is sitting in my room till its time to go to class, work or band practice.

Each night camping was absolutely great. We cooked food over a fire, drank a lot of rum, ate at Sheetz and walked around the camp grounds nude. This was my first time to Hershey, and although I enjoyed the roller coasters, I could of been more thrilled with them. My buddy Rob pointed out that Great Adventure is amongst some of the highest ranking theme parks in the world, so I guess that may have been a contributing factor to my expectations. Regardless, I had a good time.

So the entire point of this weekend was to see blink. I have to say that they did not disappoint. They played the best I have heard them play live, through in some songs that weren't on the original set-list and sprinkled hilarious banter throughout the set. I am really stoked to hear the new album after that night. The 4 new songs sound really, really good, and quite frankly, they give me erections.

Worthy side note: There was a very attractive young lady sitting behind us at blink. Her and I spoke a little bit and I was able to get her to perform felatio on me while My Chemical Romance was playing. That was pretty cool, but some of the parents there didn't think so.

So I started my last summer class last week, and I will finish it next week. It is another Shakespeare course, and I am enjoying it a lot. I have to say that the English Department at Hofstra is fucking incredible. The faculty there treats me like an equal, rather than subordinate.

I am happy to announce that I have put an end to what seemed to be a never ending conflict this weekend. If you are reading this, thank you for putting up with my shit, I'm sorry it went on for so long.

And finally, this week is a busy one for Bellwether. We got a show today in Hicksville, our listening party tomorrow at F and S in East Meadow, and we have another show Friday in Queens. Go to facebook for all the info, and get your ass to at least all of these things. It's gonna be a killer time. Good music, good food, good people, good sex.

Can't fight against the youth.

This weekend I skated down to Jones Beach twice to listen to blink-182 in the parking lot. Both nights they were incredible. But as much as I would love to talk about that, this blog isn't about that. The blink blog will come next week though, after I see them in PA, don't worry.

This blog is about how the cops at the beach were nothing less than a bunch of assholes and bullies!

When I first showed up on Saturday, I met up with all my buddies and began to party in the parking lot. A cop car circles us a few time and finally parks to confiscate our beer. Normally this wouldn't bother me because they were just doing there job. What did piss me off about this is that when they opened up their trunk for us to put the beer in, the had a cooler of ice, just empty ready for our beers. While this was happening, they made our friends who were drinking much cheaper beer just pour it out. This infuriated me. They weren't looking to keep anyone safe or enforce the law, or ever do their job. They were looking to get drunk off our beer.

Tonight made me much more angry though. Tonight the cops totally abused their power. Pushing my friends and I around the parking lot like captives in a concentration camp. Some cops would drive up on the sidewalk, get as close as they could to a group of kids and sound the most annoying horn I have heard repeatedly and forced them to all move or risk getting hit by a car.

I am beyond irritated, and anyone who was there tonight knows exactly why. I hope that if you were harassed by the cops tonight, that you join me in writing a series of angry letters and emails. It is our right to enjoy music and it is our right to enjoy the beach. And it is my god damn right to enjoy beer!

Can't fight against the youth!

I guess I kept everyone waiting for this blog long enough.

Well here it is guys, and it is going to be cram fucking packed with all the awesome shit that happened this week.

First and foremost, I would like to thank all the kids that came out to the show on Sunday and totally went apeshit, Tim Shortell for filming and putting together that sick trailer, and Dob for putting on such a sick show.

Overall the show was incredible. The energy was high and the crowd response to our set was unreal. The big slip up during our set was of course my good buddy Sebastian getting thrown out for dancing. I heard a lot of bullshit about this like "He swung at the bouncer" or that "The bouncer was just doing his job". I watched the whole thing happen right before me and I can assure you that Sebastian, who is small as fuck, did not swing at the bouncer. And as for the bouncer doing his job, well lets just put it like this. At a bar like Ollie's Point, that hosts very different events, you would think that the staff would learn how to diffuse certain situations without it escalating. Sebastian was thrown out of the venue like he was 6 feet tall, 220 pounds and 14 beers deep. In reality, he probably weighs a little over 100 pounds, cant be more than 5'5'' and doesn't drink. For a short time I was a "security guard" at the Vibe Lounge, and I have never put my arms around some ones throat, no matter how rowdy they were. The bouncer could have handled the situation a lot better than he did. In the end though, the problems were resolved and the crowd was able to go nuts for With the Punches and Hit the Lights, so I am happy that there was a resolution.

Other than that slip up, the show was probably one of the best shows I have ever played.

So, anyone who has been on facebook this weeks knows that their has been a campaign for my friends in No Good News to open up for Stereo Skyline at Vibe this summer. I have gotten several messages from guys in the bands that are already playing that show and I figured I would address that here.

What has been happening in regards to that show is all in good fun. I am not looking to ruin anyones time, just to stir the pot a little bit. Not everyone is going to like your band, in fact, I am not a big fan of any band playing that show, and they probably aren't the biggest fans of me, and that is fine. Wether or not you agree with what has been said for or against any of the parties involved, one fact is undeniable: Everyone has gotten a little more attention than if no one said anything. Don't feel attacked or discriminated against, cause the truth is wether No Good News plays or not, I probably wont be at that show, nor will any of the other kids that hopped on that band wagon, we are just having a good time dickin' around.

To put it simply, our case holds no water.

Well thats about it. I hope to see you guys at the show tomorrow!

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=167479929979836

Check out the trailer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlNSo4JFZ4I&feature=youtu.be&hd=1

And check this out too!

http://touchdownboyli.bandcamp.com/

Up All Night.

I figured this deserved its own post.

When I was in 3rd grade, I discovered blink-182. I was watching the VMA's on MTV and they performed All The Small Things.

Here is the footage:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRMkD5n6WuY

Since then I have been a die hard fan.

Today was the first time I have heard any new material from them since the release of Not Now in 2005.

I have noticed that a lot of people really don't like the song; most of them are complaining that it sounds too much like AVA. And thats fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I however, have a much different opinion, and it is not because I will just like anything they put out. This list is why.

-Listening to the intro brings me to a place I have never been with blink, or any other band really. The phaser on the guitar isn't simply just used as an effect, it is a melodic device. If you listen to it, it descends with the bass and it compliments the chord progression without having to put to much emphasis on the descending line. Not to mention that Travis is totally fucking killing it. Listen to all the shit going on in that beat, on the hi-hat and the ride. Dudes a monster.

-Now we are at the second part of the intro. The transition from what is a spacey and ambient part to a heavier part is flawless. This part reminds me a lot of Box Car Racer, very much like I Feel So. Fast and dirty.

-I am assuming the verse is the part of the song at which people start to feel like they are listening to AVA. Well guys, I hate to break this news to you all, but both bands have the same lead singer. If you listen to the guitar, Tom is just pounding out one octave the whole time, while Mark plays the chord progression over it. This is very Take Off Your Pants And Jacket; just listen to the song Shut Up. And still during the verse that descending guitar with the phaser is going, linking the verse to the intro very nicely.

-Now the chorus does the opposite of the intro, the chord progression is ascending, giving the song a good contrast. I will admit that I am not the biggest fan of Tom's vocals here, but it suits the song well. At the end of the chorus, the song progresses into a bridge/post chorus that sounds very similar in vibe to the bridge after the first verse in Asthenia off the self titled.

-Back to the second intro and then into the second verse. Mark is playing a different chord progression here, although this verse sounds identical to the first verse due to that one octave chord. Non-the-less, the subtle difference here holds your attention even if you aren't aware of it. The phaser is still going on here too.

-After the second chorus, there is a slight pause before they go into that second intro again. Only this time, its in half-time, giving it a breakdown type feel. The song comes to a close with the into returning to how we first heard it, and then double time, and finally with heavily accented eight notes. So now we have heard that one idea done numerous ways.

-Just like the self titled, the verses are split between Mark and Tom, once again giving the song a nice contrast between vocalists.

After analyzing the song, I don't see how anyone can say it sounds like AVA, cause it sounds very much like blink.

In the end I think the song is great, not everyone will agree and thats fine. I think this is a logical step forward for them, but if you listen close enough, you can see that they are still the same old blink!

Shameless plug:

Check out my new, and old, songs!

http://touchdownboyli.bandcamp.com/

Well here I am, I don't know how to say this.

I haven't written a full blog post in awhile. And I didn't announce my last few post publicly. I'm gonna try and fix this now.

As always, I have a few things I want to write about.

I guess the first thing I should tackle is my breakup with Gina. I am still not positive how it happened, all I know is that it did.

I don't know how to make this short, so I wont.

Lets rewind a little bit. For those of you who read this regularly, you may have noticed that in a few posts I have called out a friend of Gina's who will remain nameless out of respect. I had a few problems with him due to the terribly inappropriate things he wrote on her Facebook wall. After finding out that he too reads this blog, I made a point to let him know, that I know, that he is following me on the internet and that this shit has got to stop. Sure enough he messaged me his points, I messaged him my counter points and that was it. I wish he had sent another reply. I would of liked to maybe work things out with him to a point at which both of us can coexist, and I would of also loved to hear what I did to him that made him hate me and act so hostile towards me, but that never happened. Regardless, I think I got my message across, and sure enough the horrible comments stopped appearing.

Fast forward to this Saturday. I wake up and see that my friend Ben has left me a post urging me to control my anger. At first I am unaware as to why, until I made my way to Gina's page. Not so much to my surprise, this friend of hers hacked her facebook and made some childish gibberish her status. This didn't really upset me. I understand why Ben thought it would, and I appreciate him looking out for me, but dumb people will do dumb things, so I wasn't going to lose my shit over childish antics.

Later that night, Gina admits to me that the conversation that Ben and I had upset her. We argued a little bit, and this is where I start to forget exactly what happened. I think I got her to subconsciously admit that she was aware that her friends had gone out of their way to torment me over the internet and did nothing to stop it, but I guess we resolved the issue temporarily. However, I didn't feel like anything was accomplished, because one fact remained: I hate her friends for no real reason other than the way they all interact with one another on the internet. I guess what irritated me more than anything was how alienated I felt as her boyfriend, never being asked to spend time with her and her friends, having secrets kept from me about their relationships etc.

As usual, we started texting when both of us were awake on Sunday. Forgive me once again because the details are fuzzy, but I believe I brought up the events of the previous night and we began to fight once more.

In the midst of all of this, I admitted to feeling shitty about how I will post "I love you", "Marry me" and all other cute shit on her wall and never receiving a response. Furthermore, I admitted to how it sucks to not be displayed as her boyfriend on FB. Aside from the constant questioning from people about wether or not we were still dating due to me not being mentioned in her relationship status, it sucked having to reason out why. Why does she not have me displayed as her boyfriend? Is she ashamed of me? Does she not want people to know that we are dating?

To all of this, she simply replied "I don't give a shit about facebook!"

But to me, it wasn't about facebook. It was about being able to be an item in public, outside of my bedroom. It was about being able to flaunt the one I love carelessly without being a nag. How hard is it to type "I love you too."? Really, I don't think I was being unreasonable.

I recalled that the last time something like this happened, I changed our relationship status to "It's complicated" and she had a fit about that. So I called her out on it, and did it again.

With no hesitation, she told me that I might as well change it to "Single". So I did.

Later that night I went to a party. I had plenty of time to think about the whole thing. In the end I realized that after 2 years of dating, we barely left my bed, she never met my extended family (who are always asking about her), I had to force my way to meeting her family through her cousin, I was unable to even attempt to make peace with her friends, I was seeing strangers on a more regular basis than her, we had only spoke over the phone twice, never got her email address or screen name, never got her oovoo to video chat, never really got a birthday gift from her (not to mention that on my last birthday she bailed on me to hang with her friends, and if I recall correctly, they were treating her like shit that night, irony), and the list goes on.

When she texted me in an attempt to make up, my mind was set. I had been in that position too many times to fool myself into thinking that things would get better.

I don't hate Gina. I still love her. I always will. We just weren't compatible. My wants and needs exceeded her willingness to give. I hope that one day she finds someone a little less needy than I, and I hope they will be happy.

As for me, I think I am gonna take some time off from playing house. I have pretended that I was married to a bunch of different girls since 2003, and I am just a little tired of pretending. I am gonna try and take my Aunt's advice and "play the field" a little bit. The summers still young, and there are plenty of opportunities for Bellwether to play out of state. Lets see if I can get some fine young ladies off of the island to ride the L.I.E.

If you are still reading this, you deserve a reward. But since I have nothing to give you, I will just start talking about something completely unrelated.

So on the 4th I had some friends over. We grilled, set off fireworks, swam, smoked and drank. I have to say that even though all of that was great, I was just stoked to be with so many great people. I really can't express how lucky I feel to be surrounded by really great people who are so accepting. I hope that this is a precursor for the rest of the summer. I would really like to have some sweet #GTFN Parties soon. I think we are all well over due.

So back tracking a little bit. Went to a nude beach with Hannah and Ally about a week or so ago. Have to say that it was an awesome experience. Fucking, why can't we all just be nude? Life would be a lot better if clothes didn't exist. I think my balls would be a lot less sweaty. But anyway, we met some interesting characters and I am pretty stoked to go back. Hopefully we can get more people on board next time, make a big event out of it.

NEXT TOPIC!

I started my next summer class. Its a gym class. Like, we go to the gym. I think it will prove to be a good experience for me. I am enjoying it so far.

...I guess thats all I have to say about that.

Bellwether has officially finished tracking "The Elephant in the Room" and we should be getting rough mixes back soon. I can't wait for everyone to hear it. We put a lot of effort into it, and we have good feelings about it. We also just received sketches for a limited addition shirt from our good buddy Bob Wulff. So be on the look out for more news to come!

Now before I get serious, I would like to mention that I may lose my job due to pissing off a "celebrity" who is years removed from having a commercial on TV. So if you know of places where I can work, let me know. I might need one. I think my dad got me a valet parking job. Amazing.

Ok, serious note.

I think my younger brother is bipolar, possible manic depressive. He has terrible mood swings, refuses to let anyone know what's bothering him, gets very hostile. It's bad. But literally within a few hours of one of these episodes he will be happy and fun and a joy to be around. I have tried reaching out to him, but he wont have it. My parents refuse to get him help, because the refuse to admit that he has a problem. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do, but I am tired of feeling like I'm a hostage in my own house. I hope I don't have to get him help on my own, but it looks like it might be that way.

Finally, I should be releasing a new song for Touchdown Boy, my acoustic side project. It has been years since I have put anything out, so I hope everyone enjoys it. Its about how Gina and I met and our relationship. I am just waiting for Mark to get home and send me the file. I have an odd feeling that it wont be till tomorrow, but thats ok. I really put a lot of effort into this song, I have been writing it for about a year and a half and I refused to half ass anything. So once its out, I hope you give it a listen, and I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you tell your friends about it. If it gets a good reception, it may become a Bellwether song on the next EP. I also have 2 old Touchdown Boy songs that will be posted with it. Listen to them too. I have been pushing to convert them into full band songs, but no luck yet.

Well, if you read all of this, god damn. You either love me or are bored as fuck. But I guess I end every post with a similar comment. So for this one I will end with a funny quote, to lighten the mood a bit.

"Wait a minute! Hesh is gonna hunt Chewbacca? I'm a big fan! This is gonna be great! To kill a hero!"- mc chris as Hesh on Sealab 2021

I know just how you feel tonight.

I am pleased to say that yesterday was exactly what I needed. After an emotionally and mentally exhausting weekend I really just need to hang out with my friends, cook a lot of food, drink a lot of beers and light a lot of explosives. I know its a cliche, but I really do feel honored and blessed to have the friends that I do.

The revisionist never gets you perfect.

Gina and I broke up today. In retrospect, it seems like this was bound to happen, we just weren't compatible. I am still letting the feeling settle. I don't know when things will be ok. I don't know if they are ok now.

I am hoping this is the start of better times.

I don't think I will publicly post this. I wonder if anyone will stumble on this simply out of habit.

You fucking look at me like when girls are jealous!

I want to talk about a few different things in this post, so bare with the gaping holes in continuity.

So this is the first summer that I don't really have a summer. Well, to put it more clearly, this is the first summer where I will be taking classes ALL summer. Believe it or not, I don't mind it. I am currently in my first Shakespeare class, and I am actually enjoying it. I am learning a lot about writing through the class, even though that isn't the classes intention. I also am enjoying the plays we are reading. It's so weird. I guess this is growing up, as they say.

Now on to things less boring.

A little background for those who don't know. I have a friend named Joe, and Joe is a professional wrestler. I finally went out to one of his matches the other day. It was absolutely incredible. I was blown away by how well planned the entire event was, and each wrestler delivered a spectacular show. Heres a video of the highlights from the event.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1geSY6lZqvY&feature=youtu.be

My heart goes out to Joe. Keep doing your thing man.

The last thing I want to talk about is something that happened to me a few months ago, and has been bothering me since I walked into work today.

There was this one lady that I was helping at the store. While I walked to the back to pack up what ever it was that she was shipping, she went to her young son and said something to the effect of "Look at that fat boy with his pants falling down." Now I am a thick skinned guy, I can certainly emotionally handle someone pointing out the obvious about me. What makes me so utterly furious about this particular scenario is that this woman was teaching her young son that not only is it ok to judge people, but to judge them while they do you a service.

I didn't find out that she said this until she left the store and my co-worker Joe let me know. I wish I had actually heard her say it though. Cause I would of loved to go off on her.

Let me make this clear for everyone. WE ARE ALL PEOPLE! Next time you are getting fed up with someone at their job, just take a step back and realize that they are not machines put there for your convenience, they are people with emotions and lives.

And I am sure that wasn't the first or the last time that woman has murmured something judgmental to her kid, and I am damn sure she isn't the only one doing it.

I guess what I am trying to say here is this.

As people, it is in our nature to judge other people. But if we all become a little more conscious of the fact that everything we do has repercussions, we will be able to overcome nature; we will be able to evolve. And finally, if we can't overcome nature, then don't perpetuate the idea that it is ok to judge a person based on their looks or beliefs. We may be able to prevent the next terrible tragedy if we all just think a little more than speak.

Traditions, our mission: To listen, learn, and pass them on.

Wow, 2 posts in 1 day. I'm a machine...

Anyway, about a week or so ago I posted an entry on here about the backyard show at Tom Fasano's. One thing that I mentioned in it was that 2 bands packed up and left after they played. Well, little did I know that more people read this blog than I thought and I recently got a response to that comment.

Ben Ross of the band Butterfly Convict sent me a message on FaceBook apologizing and explaining the circumstances under which they had to depart after playing. Although I greatly appreciated the message, this is not why I am posting this blog.

While I was reading and responding to Ben's message, I was thinking about the current state of things in the Long Island Scene. To be honest, I could not be more pleased.

There is a group of kids still in high school that are inheriting the scene, just as I once did when I was 16.

...I am having such a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think there is anyone out their more deserving of the Long Island Scene and and all of its glory than these kids today. Finally, there are kids that are hell bent on preserving the scene and making it better rather than tearing it apart with violence and destruction of property.

I can't speak highly enough of all of these kids. Chris Regan, Kevin Burke, Bobby Sciacca, Pete and Matt Boonshaft (even though Pete is in college), Teddy Sahr, Rob Pietrzak all from No Good News, Ben Ross from Butterfly Convict, Mark Masterson who at 15 started LIMS Radio and at 16 started Meadowbrook Records, the mastermind behind the Long Island Local Bands page Matt Reddan, Sal Salamone and Jon Argondizza and the dudes from Last Great Hero, Sebastian Paba and Alex Melnyczuk, Tom Fasano and Kevin Calame and We Took First, Tom Wherring and Jonathan DiMitri from State Lines. And there really are so many more out there to name, like Bryan McElwain.

When my generation inherited the scene, we let it fall through the cracks. We gave into ridiculous standards and stood by when dicks like the ones in Thug Squad came and fucked up shows. Its up to all you guys to uphold a moral and ethical code of arms and shun any assholes that try and impede on it. You need to preserve the integrity of the scene by supporting each other and all the bands that work their asses off to bring music to you and the rest of the scene. Support DIY ethics so people like Jake Zimmerman can bring an end to Pay to Play and scene monopolies.

We have worked so hard to bring the scene back, don't let it fall apart again. Keep these traditions, and when you get to be where I am, pass them on down to the next batch of kids singing their hearts out.

Veterans like myself, Travis McGee, Mike Ventimiglia, Desmond Zantua and Matt Lagatutta all have really high hopes for you guys, so don't let us down!

Go out their and rewrite the history books!

http://longislandmusicscene.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page

Thats the closest thing to getting away...

Last night was one of the better nights I have had in a long, long time. The Vision was one of my all time favorite local bands, and to see them one last time was truly breath taking. I feel sorry for anyone who wasn't there last night.

I was really stoked that the after party was so intimate. Its not often that I get to be surrounded by all of my closest friends and just drink to the night while we bullshit about everything and anything. I feel so blessed to have my friends. Without them, I would be nothing more than an empty shell. And I really do mean that. We all define each other, in one way or another, and I am happy that my friends define me well.

I walked into my house at around 6 AM, after a few of us hit up Bagel Boss. It was really weird walking into Bagel Boss and it being dark, and then walking out and it being light. I'm glad that we really did dance the night away though. Haven't done that in a long time.

These past few weeks have been a little odd. I can't believe I am actually enjoying my summer class. I don't know if its because I genuinely enjoy the class, or if its because its an excuse to leave my house and experience human contact. I have this strange feeling that its the latter, because on days like today, I just sit in my room, alone, and stare out the window hopelessly. It sucks. And once again thats why I am so grateful to have such an awesome group of friends.

I have been leaving my house a lot to work with James in his basement. I have come to love working down there. Once again for the aspect of being able to be out of my house in the company of a good friend. But also because I really do enjoy constructing things. I can't wait till the basement is done. All this hard work and effort is gonna pay off big time.

I guess thats all I really have to say.

My best friends and late night drives are all I need stay alive

It's been awhile since I had anything remotely positive to write here, so this should be a breath of fresh air for anyone who reads this.

Yesterday may have been one of the most fun shows I ever had the privilege of playing. I am having an incredibly hard time articulating my words to even express how awesome yesterday was. Seeing everyone come together for every band, even the 2 bands that did not fit the bill (who ultimately disappointed me by packing up their shit and leaving with all of the kids they brought after they were done playing) was such a surreal feeling. It is good to know that local music still has a chance thanks to the kids who come out and give it their all. Huge shout out to Tom and his family for letting the show happen and I hope to be apart of more soon!

After the show and post show activities came to a close, Matt stayed up till about 4:20 AM and talked about a lot of things. One of the things that we talked about was why we pursue music when we know the success rate is low, that it is a constant source of debt and that it isn't the most practical way to make a living. Well shows like yesterday are why. I don't care what my living situation is, if I am able to continue making music and touching lives I'll put up with the worst. Its what I live for.

You guys, the kids that show up to every show and sing their hearts out, you guys are the reason I don't blow my brains out due to crippling depression.

Thank you all.

As long as you guys have your ears and hearts open, I'll be happy.

Send transmission to the one armed scissor...

Tomorrow, well I guess technically today, is my last day of class. Its kinda weird that I don't feel absolved of any of my stress. I know for a fact that I am going to get good grades in all of my classes. I know that I finished all of my work. Yet I still feel as if the weight of the world is still on my shoulders. I don't know if it is because I am taking classes all summer. I don't know if its because I am going to school to appease my parents. Its just so odd.

On a lighter note, Jerry's party was bitchin'. I was really glad that so many people came together so harmoniously. I got to see all of my friends in one place which is always great. I'm sure it goes with out saying that I miss 2008 greatly.

I set up my yard today. GTFN parties are right around the corner, so I guess I'm looking forward to that. I should be planning what I hope will become an annual nude beach outing. So that too should be great.

I realized today how fortunate I am not only to have great friends, but to have great friends who are completely ok with social behavior that most other people look down on.

I guess thats all I really have to say. I guess when I feel like the way I do now I instinctively come to this blog to write. I don't really have a reason for why I am feeling the way I do right now, so I guess this is the end of this post.

... I guess one last thing wont hurt.

You know who you are, and if you still read this, I am expecting a response from our last conversation.

16 just held such better days.

I write this post at the risk of sounding redundant, but what ever.

I have been feeling a little crumby about getting older, as usual. I think what's different this time is that I kinda figured out why I am having such a hard time coming to grips with the facts that it is inevitable.

The other night, James, Bob, Jerry, Rob and myself were all Long Boarding in the parking garage at Roosevelt Field Mall. Jerry and I are some what bigger pussies when it comes to bombing the garages, so we kinda sat up and talked while James, Bob and Rob skated. They would occasionally stop by us and join in the conversation.

It is pretty typical for me on a night like this one to get nostalgic, so of course we started talking about Calvary and how much becoming an adult sucks.

Just to back track real quick. I am becoming an English Teacher, and I am super bummed about it. I am convinced that I am going to live a miserable life. So I was bitching about it pretty hard.

Anyway...

At one point Rob turned to me and asked "Why am I so reluctant to grow up?" I thought about it for a little bit, and my answer came back to Calvary.

When you're a kid, you fall in love with things and then grow out of them. This is the natural cycle of things. When I was a kid, I was in love with Calvary. I can't think of a better time to have been in a band, to be in the scene. I have made life long friends there. I will forever be in debt to Calvary. But I will never grow out of Calvary. There is a huge chunk of my life that is missing, and I don't think that void can ever be filled.

See, unlike most things, I wasn't really given the chance to out grow Calvary. Calvary was stripped away from me... from us. There will never be any closure thanks to ass hole kids who showed up with the sole intent of fucking it up for everyone else, thanks to the fucking crooked followers of that church who went as far as to perform an exorcism on Nat for running these shows. God forbid this man from getting kids off the streets and giving them something to do.

And I think this is why I really don't want to take on responsibility as an adult, because I never out grew my childish things, I never out grew Calvary. And I don't think I ever will.

...I visit that church from time to time. I never really told anyone before. I'll go alone, I'll look around. (I feel the tears) Memories, they all come flooding back. I don't know what I am looking for there. I don't think I'll ever find it. I can't bare to look into Nat's office, and it pains me to see the stage without the banner hanging up. It's almost as if stealing it away from me, from us, wasn't enough. They had to destroy any evidence of it ever happening.

In some ways, it feels great to have been apart of something so special. It sucks that kids today will only hear the stories about the legendary Calvary Shows. It truly wasn't its time to go.

So once again, I find myself fumbling through memories of better days as I listen to Travis tell me about Mike and his new, REAL, job at a bank with benefits and a paid vacation, and how he is applying to Harvard and becoming an adult. Just a constant reminder knocking at my sub-conscious, telling me the end is near.

What I would give for just one more show...

for closure...

I'm your Rock N' Roll Jesus.

After years and years and years of going to shows, I have decided to take it upon myself to make the TEN COMMANDMENTS OF POP PUNK! These commandments are not to be broken! If they are, you will forever walk around with the label "THAT GUY".

In all seriousness though, these are 10 things that happen at shows that piss me the fuck off. If you want, feel free to print it on a shirt and be sure to cite "BILDER 5:16" on the bottom.

I: Thou shalt not wear the shirt of the band you are going to see perform.

II: Thou shalt show up before doors open.

III: Thou shalt stay till doors close.

IV: Thou shalt buy merch from as many bands as possible, starting with touring bands and ending with local bands.

V: Thou shalt encourage friends to come to the show

VI: Thou shalt go hard as a mother fucker in the pit.

VII: Thou shalt not hit any girl, in or out of the pit.

VIII: Thou shalt not intentionally harm to the venue.

IX: Thou shalt not spend more than a cigarettes worth amount of time outside the venue.

X: Thou shalt not yell "PLAY FREEBIRD!" under any circumstance.

My life is just a scrapbook of old friends and faded memories.

There is no particular thing I want to talk about in this post. I just didn't feel like going to my first class so I am stuck on campus for about an hour till my last one starts and writing in this kinda helps me remain sane and it should probably kill a lot of time.

I had a pretty bitchin' weekend last week. Nick, Mike, Jon and myself took a drive up to Connecticut to go to the birth place of the modern Hamburger. That then turned into food tour. We wound up going to one of the oldest pizzerias in America, Frank Pepe's, and then finished up at Katz Deli. We were the definition of gluttons.

Aside from the food being awesome, I think the trip itself was really therapeutic. I kind of just needed to do something for the sake of doing it. Just driving up and laughing the whole time, it kind of made me more human.

Recently I have been thinking more and more about becoming a proactive member of society. If you have ever read this blog, I don't need to tell you that I am not excited in the slightest about becoming an "adult".

I took a step back and looked at my life, and the lives of others, and the way we all were raised, and the way we will probably raise younger generations eventually.

The way I see things is a little scary and depressing. But I feel like we are all almost like machines. From 5 years old(sometimes younger) we are thrown onto a conveyor-belt and just passed down the assembly line of educational grades. You start at Kindergarden and then are passed down to first, second, third, fourth grade and so on. Each year teacher after teacher is adding onto the machine. Finally you make it to middle school, then high school, then college. All of them doing the same thing, building a machine to be used in the work force. Passing tests all along the way to make sure we are up to par with factory standards. And if we aren't, we get sent back to repeat the most recent failed process, so that way maybe we can continue on the assembly line near flawlessly and emerge a well oiled machine, eager and ready to perform menial and degrading tasks for George Jetson, the new CEO of some big future company, for a wage that I would argue is way less than our lives are worth. Eventually, Mr. Jetson will dispose of us when the fresh new batch of robots come in from graduate school, fully equipped with everything we were and all the things we weren't discovered or invented when we were being assembled, making us obsolete, just like you iphone 4 will be when the iphone 5 comes out.

Thinking like that makes me super depressed, but I can't help it.

Thats why that trip with the guys was so important to me. We had no reason to go other than that we wanted to, just like this post. And its these small things that make me feel less like a machine, and more like a human.

I think it is really time to start rethinking our values. It is time for a revolution. We owe it to ourselves to stray from the path every now and then, even if its just for a burger.

Hey Hey President.

I am not even gonna explain this post. If you can't figure it out on your own, then I won't be expecting your vote.

I have decided I am going to run for President of the United States in 2028. In case you are confused why 2028, that is the nearest election that I will legally be able to run. I would of done 2012, but for the sake of me not wanting to jump off of a bridge due to the excessive amount of assholes that I know will tell me I can't be president till I am 35, I decided I would just go with 2028 and start campaigning now.

Since I don't know what the future will bring, I will focus on political issues plaguing us now.

I will also be starting my own political party:

The Common Sense Party.

The Common Sense Party will take the best of both worlds and put them together. We will have socially liberal views and economically conservative views.

So what this means is I need a conservative running mate. I also need conservative secretaries of Treasury, Defense, Homeland Security, Urban Development, Labor, Commerce and Veteran Affairs . As well as a liberal secretaries of Justice, Interior, Agriculture, Human Services, Transportation, Energy, State and Education.

So as you can see, the party will be made up of an even mix of conservatives and liberals in order to make for well balanced decisions all based on COMMON SENSE!

Here is a brief view of my stance on most of the issues, all of which will be developed more after meeting with my cabinet. Some fiscal issues I will leave out until I consult my cabinet.

Abortion: Keep it safe and legal.

Budget and Economy: Pay athletes and reality TV stars less. Pay people who do things (teachers, cops, firemen doctors etc) more.

Civil Rights: Make Gay Marriage Legal.

Drugs: Legalize and Tax Marijuana and Hemp.

Education: Get rid of standardize tests so that way students can actually learn as opposed to prepare for a test. The effectiveness of a teacher will be weighed on a new scale in development.

Energy and Oil: Use hemp oil grown domestically for fuel. Fund projects like Solar Road Way that will create green energy.

Environment: Keep the reserves and National Parks the way they are, alive.

Gun Control: Crack down on automatic weapons. No one is hunting with M-16s.

Immigration: Pass a language bill. Make illegal immigrants become citizens.

Jobs: More jobs will be created with the legalization of Hemp and prostitution.

If you are interested in being in my cabinet, let me know. I want to have an in depth stance on all the issues fairly soon so we can start making some noise on capital hill. Also, we need an animal to represent our party, so let the ideas fly.

We Are The World...

We Are The People...

We Will Be Heard...

The Common Sense Party.

Andrew Bilder for President 2028

One day the dreamers died within us.

There is a lot I want to write about, so I am going to try my hardest to make it all coherent and cohesive.

I guess aside from the 2 recent deaths in my family, which I am not going to get into cause I wasn't terribly close with either of my now late relatives, the biggest news in my life is my new life path. I have officially decided against being a music major and am now pursuing english.

Thinking back to high school, its almost scary how dead set I was on studying music academically, and how quickly that changed when I started college. I guess most of it is the fault of the people in the Hofstra Music Department. I can't explain why, but all of them have this superiority complex. Faculty and students a like, they are all a bunch of pretentious fucks.

Lets get real for a second. You are in the Hofstra Music Department, you are by no means special. You aren't even in an actual music conservatory. You have no right to feel more important than anyone else.

Long story short, I couldn't take the egos, and I couldn't possibly afford to finish a degree in music there. Since I was never told that Music Theory 1 is only a fall course, and that no matter what your score is on the placement exam, you place in Theory 1, I'd be there an extra year and a half longer than I am supposed to be. Fuck that.

As an English Ed major, I am now 2.5 credits away from graduating on time. Well 5.5 since I just dropped the only music class I was taking this semester.

Just to put closure on this segment of my blog, to anyone who is in High School and actually reads this, don't go to college for music. Out of all of my friends, it basically only worked out well for one of them, and not to make excuses, but the kid is a prodigy.

Anyway...

I have been feeling stressed to the max lately. I think I am trying to do too many things at once. Basically, school is a nightmare. With the entire dilemma I mentioned above aside, it is just incredibly fucking difficult to manage school right now. I have to apply to redeclare as an English Ed, but first I need to do a whole bunch of bullshit for the English Department, and I have to start my application to the School of Ed. Which isn't going to be hard, I just don't have time to do it. I have to finish 20 hours of observation at the High School, which is actually a lot of fun, but I am observing gym, so I can't even get work done while I observe.

And on top of all of this, Bellwether is being pushed to the limit.

Now I am stoked beyond belief that BW is doing so many great things at the same time, I am in no way complaining about that. It's just so much to do on top of school.

So I have been pulling my hair out a little bit.

Finally,

Things have been getting better with Gina. We worked through a really tough time together, and I have to say that it really is a testament to our feelings for each other. I am willing to admit that I was responsible for a good portion of what happened to us. This blog is a perfect example of that. Similar to using FB statuses to convey emotions, I used this to vent them. Which helped for awhile. But the fact of the matter is, there is no substitute for actually talking problems out. I also understand now that this blog made some aspects of our relationship public that shouldn't have been, and understandably that made her upset and contributed to the problem.

So I am going to put my best for forward and try to use this blog as less of a crutch when it comes to relationship nonsense. I can't promise that some won't slip in, but at least I know I am going to make an effort to ween myself off of this.

Its kinda sad. We are all so disconnected through connection. Everyone is always somewhere else, even when they are right in front of you. Thats the beauty and horror of the internet and cell phones...

till next time...

What ever were you thinking?

I think I may have typed my last post prematurely like I said I might.

I realized that I do rely on my facebook for a million other things and I am gonna take Desmonds advice and put less emphasis on the shit that drives me nuts. So I guess you will be seeing me around a little longer facebook.

A bit off topic.

Unnamed person from my last post whom I have an obvious distaste for. I know you read this. Game over man. I don't care how you feel about me, and my feelings for you probably wont change, but I am no longer gonna let Gina take heat from you because you have a problem with the things that I say here. I also will not give you the satisfaction of being an important enough aspect of my life for me to take time out of my day to write about you. If you want to be civil, fine, I have no problem extending the peace pipe, but you would be a damn fool to think that I wouldn't find out about you trying to play me and not put an end to it. I'm done man.

IT'S OVER!

This time we're gonna say those words, and cut the ropes that are wrapped around our necks.

Before I get to the real part of this post, I just want to say how nice it is to be back from tumblr.

Now for what I am really typing this for.

I may be writing this a bit prematurely, but I think it is necessary for me to post this as soon as possible, so the few people who care enough to actually read this know, and so I don't bitch out when the time comes to follow through with what I am typing.

I will be deleting my facebook sometime between now and Friday morning.

It has come to my attention that aside from sucking a huge chunk of my life away from doing other things, it has had this hold on my real life and it even dictates actions I make in reality.

I am choosing my relationship with Gina as an example.

Looking back on our relationship, I can pinpoint a few political moves I made in our relationship on facebook based on facebook. And I am sure everyone is guilty of doing something like this. If you aren't, good for you. But there has been times I had tried to tiptoe around a problem or a situation by leaving a status up for her to see that would indicate I was upset with her or to get a rise out of her because something she did online irritated me. I know now that this has a huge role in the problems we are having now. Because instead of being direct with her, and letting her know that something was wrong and we needed to work it out, I threw up a war flag. That war flag of course would attract many other people who would all "like" or comment on my status, rallying behind my cause, and none of them really knew they were doing it. So now I have taken a problem that should have been settled in private, made it public, and assembled a group of people to get my back like a child who is about to fight someone in a school yard.

I know now that is not really good relationship etiquette.

Aside from that, there were plenty of other things about having a relationship on facebook that made having a relationship in reality a lot harder, such as the "relationship status".

Until recently, Gina did not have me displayed on her profile as "in a relationship" with me. For an incredibly long time this bothered me and I didn't say anything about it, because to me facebook wasn't a big deal. But the reality is that facebook IS a HUGE deal. If you put something on facebook, people assume it to be true. It doesn't matter what is up there, people expect you to be honest on facebook. So to me, it was like she was trying to hide me from her friends and family. And of course my brain took that idea and ran with it. "What if I'm not up there cause she has another boyfriend, or she wants to hook up with other people? "What if she is ashamed of me?" and a million other terrible ideas that your brain produces when you are not sure of someone's motives.

The fact that something as minute as that had such a strong mental and emotional hold on me really makes me upset. And what is more upsetting is that I willingly subjected myself to it and did nothing to stop it.

The last major role facebook played in my relationship is probably exclusive to me, maybe not, but probably. Because there can't be as many completely immature people in the world like the one I am about to describe.

Since I am going to be the bigger man, I will just refer to this person in a plethora of different degrading names.

So Gina has this friend, who is a total fucking dildo. I mean it, he is the definition of a bag of dicks. For some reason, he felt it was appropriate to call her things like "Cunt" "Slut" "Whore" and a million other things that most woman I know despite being called, on her facebook wall. Since I tried as hard as a could to not be the over protective boyfriend, I didn't say anything. But the truth is seeing this waste of life publicly humiliate my girlfriend on the internet made my blood boil. And I swear, if I ever see him in reality, I will publicly humiliate him to the point where he is going to want to change countries.

I digress.

In a political move, to make it appear that I was fine with Gina having shitty friends, I never said anything, and it killed me. Every time she told me she was going somewhere with him I would get furious, but I kept my mouth shut. And when he changed his profile picture to one of Gina and him on Valentines Day, it made me realize that cockface was playing a political game as well. He was intentionally trying to get under my skin, and because of facebook, it worked.

And all of these things together put a very real, very big, strain on my relationship with Gina.

I love this girl with all my heart, and it sickens me that I let facebook dictate how I would treat her, when I would tell her how I actually feel, how I feel about her and her friends, and how I felt about our relationship.

My relationship with Gina aside, there are other examples that are not relationship related, but I am not going to write any of them on here, cause if you read to this point, you are probably already pissed with me for going on this long a rant.

I assume that this will be like kicking any other addiction, so any support will be greatly appreciated.

So with all of that said, this is my resignation from facebook. I will be on for another 72 hours at the most. And I will probably post this a bunch of times on there, so brace yourselves.

P.S.

I wont be deleting Twitter.

P.P.S

...Yea thats it, I wont be deleting my Twitter.

The only thing that matters is just following your heart.

I'll just start off by saying that I am not looking for sympathy from this, just trying to express some feelings. This is not a woe-is-me post although it is going to come off as one.

Last night I took Gina out to dinner for Valentines Day. We went to a very romantic little restaurant named Sen in Wantah for some Chinese. We were talking and I don't exactly remember how it was brought up but at one point Gina mentioned that my life is "awesome"

Although my life is in some ways a lot more interesting than others, my life really isn't awesome.

Everyone keep in mind that I am feeling hesitant about what I am about to write, so if I start to go on tangents please excuse me.

I have given my life a lot of thought, and I have come to realize that I live a very depressing life.

I had a conversation with my mom today that was a little devastating. For the first time ever my mom was honest with me, and it sucked. In a nutshell, I am a pretty big disappointment. I believe the exact quote was "My dreams for you were crushed years ago". It stung to hear her say that, but I am glad she did.

I started to think about how miserable my home life is. Everyday my mom is in a terrible mood. Something awful happens to my family everyday. Today, my uncle with Alzheimer almost jumped out of a moving car. I can't even remember what yesterdays fiasco is; it is hard to keep track with my family. Who knows what is gonna happen tomorrow?

For as long as I can remember it has been like this. Even back to when I was an infant I can remember my mom on the phone, in or close to hysterics, smoking a cigarette and drinking wine; always complaining about her job.

She has recently tried to quit smoking. I am proud of her, but it has made her really depressed. She talks about killing herself a lot. I don't know if I should take her seriously.

My dad and I have never really been close. He's never really home. And when he is, he is only getting ready to go to the gym. He doesn't want to talk to my mom and I, he only wants to yell at me about school.

He has been sending me emails all the time. I hate it. He can't even take time out of his day to talk to me face to face.

I told my mom that I am going on tour this summer. I have made up a model that should be able to support us in all aspects of the tour. She doesn't understand that this is what I want to do with my life even though it isn't exactly a comfortable way to live. I'd much rather be on the road doing what I love trying to make a living, rather than be living in a nice house and make a good living but sacrifice my life. It doesn't make sense to me.

My dad wouldn't understand it either, but he isn't around to even explain it to.

She cried today, when I told her about tour and how I felt about school. I felt like I was twisting the knife I put in her back all those years ago when she abandoned hope for me.

They have Zach though. He always was the good son. He will make them proud, hopefully for the both of us.

My mom told me that if I quit school I have 2 month to get a real job and start paying rent before she disowns me. I guess I should start looking for jobs.

It made me think about last night, and taking Gina out. I spent all the money I had on dinner for her last night. I have $18 in my bank account, which I am gonna have to give to my mom for the $20 she gave me before I went out. It sucks having to live paycheck to paycheck.

Coming home tonight I felt a little empty. Walking into my house sucks. Always coming home to the porch light, and thats it. It feels terrible that the only thing that waits up for you to get home is a porch light.

I guess none of that really matters. If things go well this summer, it looks like I won't ever really be coming home anymore.

...I hope.

The Little Things.

Well if the titles of this post is misleading, I will clear things up.

It's gonna be a Valentines Day post.

Recently, I have spent some time talking to my buddy Mike who has fallen on some tough times. While talking to Mike about what has been plauging him, we discussed what really matters in relationships. And some of what he said really made me think.

I know it is a cliche, but it really is the smaller things that make a relationship special. True love is a nickname keyed into a contact list, it is a trip to a comic book store, it is countless hours on the phone, it is surprise sleepovers, it is a favorite place to eat, it is Such Great Heights by the Postal Service, it is a Star Wars themed bear, it is sharing a cigarette, it is pillow talk, it is building a snowman, it is skating at Firestone, it is the game, it is being pool partners, it is matching Halloween costumes, it is sharing an important secret and yes, it is even a facebook relationship status.

In the brilliant words of Kevin Smith:

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

Medi-o-core

This post is going to be really bland, so brace yourselves... for nothing (unless you read some of my other posts, the ones that I didn't promote publicly on twitter from my annual winter depression).

I have recently undergone somewhat of a life change recently. I have been acting a lot less like "Bilder" or "Sloppy Bob" and more like "Normal Andrew". Let me explain the difference between the 3.

Bilder:

You may know Bilder for a lot of different reasons. He's that guy in that band that takes his shirt off all the time. You know Valet Parking, The OverUnder, Bellwether. Or you know him as that guy who lights the shots on fire at parties and he always takes his shirt off. Or you know him as the guy who threw those naked orgy pool parties over the summer and talks about his sex life in vivid detail...

And he never has a shirt on.

This is who I am was most of the time. Loved music, pot, parties, weed, sex, ganja, masturbating, herb, drinking and mary jane. Hopeless romantic who was hardly ever single (still can't figure that one out). Tried to be a good guy but could easily come off as an asshole who had a big ego. Can't blame the guy though, he's like the best Bassist on Long Island. He loved to entertain his friends by getting nude and doing fucked up shit like skate in Jerry's basement. He would also eat/fuck anything.

Sloppy Bob:

If you ever went to a party with "Bilder" you have met Sloppy Bob. This guy is a big mess. He is who "Bilder" becomes after a few Flaming Dr. Peppers. He is loud, sexually provocative and an all around laugh riot. He always ends the night off by dipping his balls in some food. Its not a party unless Sloppy Bob shows up. And thats about it.

Normal Andrew:

Normal Andrew is who I am now. I love all the same things that "Bilder" loves, only I have toned it down a lot more.

Before I go on to explain...

Honorable Mention:

Brett Bretterson- See "Sloppy Bob" and add Hofstra athletic attire.

Now back to "Normal Andrew".

Last week I kind of just stopped being myself for some reason. I couldn't explain it at first. Things that I loved to do just didn't appeal to me the same way they once did. And it all happened at once; there was no gradually change. I stopped wearing hats, I stopped jerking off, I stopped eating. My sex drive isn't even the same. It's like my libido was just murdered. I was even less excited about playing music. It was weird.

I got a call from my friend Tina who I hadn't seen in forever and missed dearly a few days after I underwent this sudden change and decided to go meet up with her. I picked up Derek on the way to meet her in Bethpage and we smoked a joint on the way. Once we met up, we ran inside King Kullen and started to walk around cause it was freezing. Tina and I were catching up and of course it came to the point where she asked me how I was. Normally "Bilder" would blow this kind of question off and give some cop-out like "I'm doing well, can't complain. Just doing the whole life thing, you know?" but I really missed Tina and I actually do care about her and enjoy spending time with her and talking to her so I gave it some thought and thats when it hit me. Thats when I realized why I changed so quickly.

My life is pretty awesome. I won't lie. I have been privileged enough to play in 3 great bands that have all seen some sort of success, I have the best friends in the world and would die for them because my real friends are like family. I have a pretty awesome sex life and have been fortunate enough to meet a girl who can keep up, and sometimes even show me some things. My job is easy as fuck; I just sit and watch [adult swim] all the time. Why would I want to change any of this?

This is what I figured out.

I have been trying to avoid getting my life into a routine for so long, that I wound up falling into one anyway. I have been in a band since I was 11; thats 9 years, and I wouldn't change that, and I am NOT going to. I have jerked off almost everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, since 6th grade; age 12. I lost my virginity at 14 and have had sex with 7 girls, 3 of which were frequent, 1 still is frequent. and I wore a hat almost everyday for 6 years. I went on crazy awesome adventures numerous times since 2005. My life was so awesome that awesome has become boring. "Normal Andrew" is the result of years of having a kick-ass life for 2 decades.

It's like my body and my subconscious just knew that it was time to tone it down for awhile. So I did. And here I am now. Living life as a regular, everyday dildo.

I don't know how long "Normal Andrew" will be around. I don't know if "Bilder" will ever be back. If this is the end of an era; a chapter, in my life, then consider this a eulogy for "Bilder" and a brisk for "Normal Andrew". I don't know if I have any real opinion of who I want to stay around.

Thats about it. If you have read all of this, then thank you, I appreciate your interest and I will leave you with these parting words.

I still love music and all of my friends. I still love my girlfriend Gina and all of my band mates; present band and old. I love all the memories I have made over the years and I can't wait to make more. This is not swearing off everything that I was and everything that I stood for. I guess to put it simply I will quote Blink-182.

"I guess this is growing up"

Fuck you little princess, who the hell do you think you are?

I didn't post the link to this the last few times I wrote in it due to the fact that I was obviously terribly depressed and thinking irrationally. This time, I wont post it because once again I am thinking irrationally, only now I am more rage filled than anything. Fuck it, I may post this on twitter, I really want to. We'll see what happens after my rant.

I have been cutting down on the sexting I do with dumb girls. If you have ever spent anytime with me at around 9pm-2am on any given night then you know that a number of girls (usually still in High School) start texting ridiculous sexual fantasies to me. I never turn down the opportunity to take the ride with them till they cum or till I get bored. If only they knew what I was really doing when I say "My cock is so hard"; if only they knew that I was stoned off my ass in some basement or on some dock with all my friends laughing at them. I wonder what they would say if I told them that Hannah was typing for me when I was too busy to bother with them while I was watching [adult swim] or Weeds or Star Wars?

Now the reason I am typing this is not to confess that I take advantage of naive, hormone enraged High School girls. It is to vent how they make me want to scream. All of them don't see this for what it is on multiple levels. They don't seem to understand that its a rouse, which I guess means I did my job well, but now it has escalated to the point that they think I care about their lives. I don't. And what's worse is that they try to communicate on the same intellectual level as myself. They can't. It is horrifying how dumb they all are and yet have no idea.

If I was actually trying to get a nut off of these girls I would probably wind up killing myself. Having to explain what "get me off" means is not sexy. Typing "layed" instead of "laid" is not sexy. Its like they all think they are mature enough to be sexually active yet can't grasp the simple concepts of sex. I was more sexually savvy at 14 then these girls are at 16-18. And for awhile this made it so much more priceless. Like telling this girl that I wanted her to reach into a bucket of popcorn in a crowded movie theater to find my cock and then fuck her with everyone watching made all of my friends and I crack up when she responded back to me about how hot that would be, cluing to us that she was under the impression that I was serious.

But now its just annoying, because I am getting invited to proms and out to eat with them. They are coming to me with problems and dilemmas. And I just when I thought they couldn't be more dumb, I find myself explaining things like sarcasm and idiosyncrasies.

Well now I'm done. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't keep up the charade. If I have ever sexted with you, understand that there was a good chance I was with all of my friends and we all laughed at you. I am not sorry.

On a closing note, I have much better real sex than any of you girls could ever imagine up.