Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles, facades are a fire on the skin..

I am going to preface this blog by stating that I don't want help, I don't want sympathy, I don't want to talk about it, I don't even want compassion. If you loathe me, continue to fucking loathe me. What I do want is understanding. I am writing this blog, against my better judgement, as a way to vent my feelings and warn anyone who reads this that I am going to be on edge for sometime. So instead of keeping it a secret and waiting for something to go wrong before I sit down and write this, I am just going to get it out of the way now, because truthfully I can't handle much more bullshit than what I am already dealing with.

I can't sleep for shit anymore. I don't know if I am sick or not, but my tonsils are literally touching. Throughout the night I wake up unable to breath. My sleep apnea has been a problem in the past, but never this consistently.

I eventually gave up on trying to sleep and made my way down stairs to spend some time with my family before Zach heads back to college. Instead of this, I am informed that my Great Aunt Flo has died. I know it sounds weird, but I got to know her better than some of my actual grandparents, because they all died when I was much younger. The news upset me, but I guess it annoyed me more than anything else. And here is why.

The day before Thanksgiving my mom received a phone call informing her that she has breast cancer in both breasts. My family has been living in a somewhat numb manner. I personally have revisited some old habits that I am not proud of and coupled that with getting very drunk and very high. This may be why I can't sleep so well. I have literally abused my body to the core every night since we got the news.

This week will start the hell that is the reality of living with a cancer patient. Delegating my time was a hard enough task when I only had to worry about the band, school and working. And working happened so scarcely that it really didn't consume much time. But now I have to make time to take my mom to doctors and all that shit, and I lot of things are going to have to take the back seat.

So like I said at the beginning of this blog, I am only looking for understanding through all of this. Thanks for your time.