I don’t think I wanna live here dying all alone...

Contrary to my last blog, summer has yet to yield any real greatness with the exception of a few parties and shows. I don't know if we have grown apart or if we are just getting older, but I feel that the fire in most of my friends has died. I am aware its only May and there is still all of summer, but last year this time, we were up till 5 AM just talking and having a good time. Now everyone goes in at 12 despite the fact that school is over. Yea some of my friends have work and responsibilities, its just a little lame, or at least I think so.

I guess I am a little stressed and I am desperately looking to relive the care free days of last summer. Lately I have been up to my neck in shit for the band, the label Mark and I are starting, the shows Danny and I are booking. And now I have just taken on the responsibility of promoting for an organization called Choose Responsibility, which is aiming to lower the drinking age to 18. All of these things are great and exciting, they just all give me a huge headache when they all need to get done at once.

What is killing me more than ever is the fact that I don't see Gina as much as I would like to. Recently our schedules have just been in constant conflicts. And it all really sucks, because now my psyche is in constant conflict.

I used to tell myself that I would never truly fall in love due to the fact that I want to live a tour type life style and because of that I would not have the time for a full time partner. But I am in love with Gina, and my whole perception of my life has been flipped around.

I guess I can only hope that things will get more exciting and that I will be taken out of this funk.

Totally off topic but I fell in love with this quote tonight!

"Well, it's a crazy fucked up world and we're all just floating along waiting for someone who can walk on water, man."- Michael A. Goorjian as Heroine Bob in SLC Punk

Here in this Diary I write you visions of my summer.

School is officially over and summer is shaping up to be a good one. So far there have been 2 bat shit insane parties and it looks like there will be plenty more to come. So I am glad about that.

Tonight was a little different though, it was much more low key. Evan got home from NEC today so we met up with Rob and got cold cheese. On our way home we picked up Lisa, a few cigars and we sat in Rob's cool shed type thing just listening to music and enjoying sweet tobacco.

I discovered that I absolutely treasure these moments. I have come to enjoy simple evenings with good company. We all agreed that the evening would of been complete with some beer or wine, but there is always next time. I can't wait till the weather is nicer so things like that can happen a little more frequently.

In other spectrums of my life, be on the look out for big things from The OverUnder and a few other projects I've been working on. This summer is gonna be BIG!

I'm another day late and one year older.

So I just finished all my finals. Most people would say I should be stoked. But I'm not. Sure I'm glad its over, but this semester handed me my ass on a silver platter. I am almost positive I just failed the easiest math class Hofstra has to offer, which I have to say I don't want to take over. My GPA Dropped from 3.5 to 3.2 and only one of my classes has been factored in. I guess I really just have to pray for a good grade in psych and a decent grade in history. I know I got an A in writing which is awesome, but the fact that out of 6 classes that was the only good grade I'm getting is really bumming me out.

How appropriate that its raining today.

I dropped my car off to get serviced a little while ago and I walked home in the rain. It felt so right to sulk as I walked home soaking wet. I guess I'll be taking some winter and summer courses next year to make up for this nonsense.

I'm thinking about dropping the whole music aspect of college. Sure I love it, but in the end, I am a Pop Punk musician and no matter how much I can fool my parents and friends, there is no way I will ever be a music teacher with that mentality, unless I teach Pop Performance at the New School.

I am thinking about taking up acting. I have been told that I am pretty good at it. So what the hell. If Keanu Reeves can do it, I can. Plus, Christopher Walken graduated from Hofstra, that has to say something good about the drama department there. I guess I'll see what next semester does for me. I'm taking 3 music classes out of 5 classes in total. Maybe I'll change my mind again.

I have to say that even though I am not obligated to write in this blog anymore, I'm happy I am.

I feel a lot better having spewed all my feelings out onto this. My attitude now (from my attitude when I started writing this blog) is if I fail, I fail. No ones dead right? Life carries on.

As cliche as this sounds, I guess this is my failure by design.

Don't ever talk to me like you think you know me or what I've been through. I am nothing like you!

There are a few things that have been bothering me lately. I try and vent them out, but I usually stop myself before I go on a tirade and subsequently make all my friends hate me. So I figured I would write them here. The problem with that is, I am not sure who reads this blog outside of my close friends and my written expressions class. So I finally decided to write this blog at the risk of becoming less popular amongst some people.

I am really starting to get to a point in my life where I can't put up with nonsense. And it seems that nonsense just seems to follow me where I go. People that I barely know are starting to talk to me like I have known them for years, and it bothers me. I try to be friendly to everyone, but just because I am friendly to you does not mean I want to be your friend.

Example: The other day, when I was playing that show in Hicksville, some kid came up to me and started talking to me about how much he hates the church and religion. I'm an atheist, and that bothered me. This kid knew nothing about me other than my last name is Bilder and I knew his friend. I never even got this kids name, yet within 5 minutes of meeting him he did not hesitate to start bashing religion. I don't understand what part of my personality even led him to believe that I would be ok with that, let alone even care about what he had to say.

The truth is. 90% of the time, I don't care what people have to say. And I hope people start to understand that. I have enough problems in my life already without people spilling their life stories into my lap.

There are 2 people specifically that annoy me on an extreme level and don't realize it, and one other person who does it, but I only see her in my philosophy class.

These 2 other people, are the type of people who are under the impression that I want to hang out with them and be friends. In reality, I never want to see them ever. Both of them just talk about themselves all the time, and it drives me insane. One of them has been trying to psychoanalyze me and that is also getting on my nerves. I kinda just want to tell them both to just stay out of my life, but I really don't have the heart to. They are both nice people, they just don't understand when someone isn't interested.

And as for the other girl, she sits in my philosophy class and waits for the right moment to interrupt and tell us all some convoluted story about how what we're learning applies to her life. But everyone can't stand her and we all vent to one another about how she needs to shut up, so she doesn't bother me as much as these people who don't understand I want nothing to do with them.

I apologize to anyone who actually read this rant. In a lot of ways, I feel like a huge hypocrite, cause why would any of you want to hear about my problem? But I guess if you are reading this it is completely free will with a few exceptions. In the end though, I feel a lot better having said all of that.

I promise next time will be more upbeat, unless this weekend turns out to be a disaster, but I highly doubt it.

MC HAMMER IS PLAYING THE BAMBOOZLE.

Well, not this year, but it was the only song I could think of with Bamboozle in the title.

So this weekend is Bamboozle and I am pretty excited to take a step back from college and spend two days in my element. I have already mapped out my weekend.

May 1st

12:55-1:25: Title Fight at Zumiez South

1:25-1:50: Score 24 at The Break Contest

2:30-3:00: Four Year Strong at Skate and Surf

3:00-3:30: Relient K at Sony Bloggie

3:30-4:00: The Aquabats at Skate and Surf

4:30-5:00: Escape The Fate at Skate and Surf

5:30-6:05: Saves The Day at Skate and Surf

6:40-7:15: Angels And Airwaves at Skate and Surf

7:15-7:55: Something Corporate at Sony Bloggie

7:55-8:25: Ke$ha (just for the hell of it) at Skate and Surf

8:25-8:55: Protest The Hero at Zumiez North

9:55-10:25: Architects at Zumiez South

Then it would be off the The Meadowlands Plaza Hotel where Robby, Desmond, Fawn, Sarah, Hannah, Anthony and I will live large in our

Two Room Suites: û Features King bed in private room û Queen sleeper sofa in parlor û TV and phone in each room û Refrigerator û Microwave û Whirlpool Tub in bathroom

May 2nd 1:20-1:50: Gabriel The Marine at The Aquarian 2:10-2:45: Mc Chris at Zumiez South 2:45-3:15: Polar Bear Club at Zumiez North 4:00-4:30: Ke$ha (this time to fill the huge gap in time) at the Sony Bloggie 5:05-5:40: Motion City Soundtrack at the Sony Bloggie 5:40-6:15: Say Anything at Skate and Surf 6:15-6:50: Mute Math at the Sony Bloggie 6:50-7:30: Matt And Kim at Skate and Surf 7:30-8:10: Girl Talk at the Sony Bloggie 8:10-9:00: MGMT at Skate and Surf 9:00-10:15: Weezer at the Sony Bloggie Needless to say, I am stoked!

I'm sorry you had to know me When I'm so fit to be tied.

Last Thursday was another sad day for music.

My band was set to play a show at a hall in Hicksville. This was not an important show and therefore it was just an excuse to get together and play music. Unfortunately, not everyone felt the same way. My guitar player Drew was unable to attend the show due to restraints with school. No big deal. We were just going to play the show without him. Or so I thought. Throughout most of the day, I was on the phone with either my singer Jimmy, my drummer Mark or my other guitar player Dutch. Not everyone felt the show was worth playing and for some reason made a very big deal out of nothing. Personally, I don't care if the show is big or small, with full band or just a few people, I will look for any excuse to get on stage to perform. Its what I live for. Nothing gets me more high then the rush I get from playing music.

After all the nonsense was done and we got all available members to the show, things seemed to be shaping up. Things did not shape up for long. The real problems came more or less towards the end of the show, when we were set to perform. I walked up on stage to set up my equipment and was very stoked to play for a fairly decent sized crowd. Another band comes up and tells me that my band is not performing yet. I was confused because we were literally just announced to play next. I told them that I had to get a 17 year old girl home by 10. This was no fabrication. They assured me they would play a quick set.

An hour later and the front man of this particular band had the nerve to ask how much time they had left in their set. Needless to say I was furious. They played one more song and then left the venue and took most of the crowd. This did not deter me from trying to have a good time. I did not mind playing in front of just my friends. What irritated me more than anything is that even after all the garbage I put up with; from getting all the available members to show up, to dealing with the antics of an immature band, our set was cut short. At that point, I grabbed my stuff and the girl, packed my car to the brim, and did 90 the entire way on the Northern State to get this girl home at 11:30, an hour and a half after she was supposed to be home.

Yesterday, I read my old friend's and old guitar player's, Matt Villani, blog. He wrote about how when he was 16, everyone in the scene was in it for everyone. Now everyone is in it for themselves. I could not agree with him more.

These dark times the scene has found themselves in show no sign of letting up and it is kind of killing me inside.

Sad enough to say that alone I could barely light a match, but together we can burn this place down!

Happy to say that life is still on the upside. A few nights ago I spent a few hours on the phone with Hannah. It was really good to hear her voice. We had another one of those talks that I can't have unless it is with her, so another big load was lifted off my shoulders.

I feel like every time Hannah and I speak I realize something new about myself. She truly knows me better then anyone, self included. It is that sole reason that I treasure the talks I share with her.

Friday was the Launch Conference. Given the circumstances, I felt the show went really well. I didn't get there in time to see any of the panels, but my singer Jimmy did. According to him, when he went to give our EP to CI Records, they informed him that they had heard of us. So I am pretty stoked about that, and I have my fingers crossed that something big comes from that.

Today might have been one of the best days in my life. Gina and I went out for breakfast, hung out at guitar center, and wandered around Brooklyn for awhile. It was a really great day.

I guess the best news I have on top of all of this is with the exception of History, I am basically on top of all my work as it pertains to college. I am almost done with my paper for written expression. A lot of revisions need to be made but at least the bulk is out of the way. I think I have one last test for math. I believe that I have completed my required work for philosophy. I am almost done with my research credits for psych. And to top all of this off, I got a job!

I guess that change I was talking about a few entries back might be happening a bit sooner than I expected! On that note, I am going to try and take a nap before band practice.