What ever were you thinking?

I think I may have typed my last post prematurely like I said I might.

I realized that I do rely on my facebook for a million other things and I am gonna take Desmonds advice and put less emphasis on the shit that drives me nuts. So I guess you will be seeing me around a little longer facebook.

A bit off topic.

Unnamed person from my last post whom I have an obvious distaste for. I know you read this. Game over man. I don't care how you feel about me, and my feelings for you probably wont change, but I am no longer gonna let Gina take heat from you because you have a problem with the things that I say here. I also will not give you the satisfaction of being an important enough aspect of my life for me to take time out of my day to write about you. If you want to be civil, fine, I have no problem extending the peace pipe, but you would be a damn fool to think that I wouldn't find out about you trying to play me and not put an end to it. I'm done man.

IT'S OVER!

This time we're gonna say those words, and cut the ropes that are wrapped around our necks.

Before I get to the real part of this post, I just want to say how nice it is to be back from tumblr.

Now for what I am really typing this for.

I may be writing this a bit prematurely, but I think it is necessary for me to post this as soon as possible, so the few people who care enough to actually read this know, and so I don't bitch out when the time comes to follow through with what I am typing.

I will be deleting my facebook sometime between now and Friday morning.

It has come to my attention that aside from sucking a huge chunk of my life away from doing other things, it has had this hold on my real life and it even dictates actions I make in reality.

I am choosing my relationship with Gina as an example.

Looking back on our relationship, I can pinpoint a few political moves I made in our relationship on facebook based on facebook. And I am sure everyone is guilty of doing something like this. If you aren't, good for you. But there has been times I had tried to tiptoe around a problem or a situation by leaving a status up for her to see that would indicate I was upset with her or to get a rise out of her because something she did online irritated me. I know now that this has a huge role in the problems we are having now. Because instead of being direct with her, and letting her know that something was wrong and we needed to work it out, I threw up a war flag. That war flag of course would attract many other people who would all "like" or comment on my status, rallying behind my cause, and none of them really knew they were doing it. So now I have taken a problem that should have been settled in private, made it public, and assembled a group of people to get my back like a child who is about to fight someone in a school yard.

I know now that is not really good relationship etiquette.

Aside from that, there were plenty of other things about having a relationship on facebook that made having a relationship in reality a lot harder, such as the "relationship status".

Until recently, Gina did not have me displayed on her profile as "in a relationship" with me. For an incredibly long time this bothered me and I didn't say anything about it, because to me facebook wasn't a big deal. But the reality is that facebook IS a HUGE deal. If you put something on facebook, people assume it to be true. It doesn't matter what is up there, people expect you to be honest on facebook. So to me, it was like she was trying to hide me from her friends and family. And of course my brain took that idea and ran with it. "What if I'm not up there cause she has another boyfriend, or she wants to hook up with other people? "What if she is ashamed of me?" and a million other terrible ideas that your brain produces when you are not sure of someone's motives.

The fact that something as minute as that had such a strong mental and emotional hold on me really makes me upset. And what is more upsetting is that I willingly subjected myself to it and did nothing to stop it.

The last major role facebook played in my relationship is probably exclusive to me, maybe not, but probably. Because there can't be as many completely immature people in the world like the one I am about to describe.

Since I am going to be the bigger man, I will just refer to this person in a plethora of different degrading names.

So Gina has this friend, who is a total fucking dildo. I mean it, he is the definition of a bag of dicks. For some reason, he felt it was appropriate to call her things like "Cunt" "Slut" "Whore" and a million other things that most woman I know despite being called, on her facebook wall. Since I tried as hard as a could to not be the over protective boyfriend, I didn't say anything. But the truth is seeing this waste of life publicly humiliate my girlfriend on the internet made my blood boil. And I swear, if I ever see him in reality, I will publicly humiliate him to the point where he is going to want to change countries.

I digress.

In a political move, to make it appear that I was fine with Gina having shitty friends, I never said anything, and it killed me. Every time she told me she was going somewhere with him I would get furious, but I kept my mouth shut. And when he changed his profile picture to one of Gina and him on Valentines Day, it made me realize that cockface was playing a political game as well. He was intentionally trying to get under my skin, and because of facebook, it worked.

And all of these things together put a very real, very big, strain on my relationship with Gina.

I love this girl with all my heart, and it sickens me that I let facebook dictate how I would treat her, when I would tell her how I actually feel, how I feel about her and her friends, and how I felt about our relationship.

My relationship with Gina aside, there are other examples that are not relationship related, but I am not going to write any of them on here, cause if you read to this point, you are probably already pissed with me for going on this long a rant.

I assume that this will be like kicking any other addiction, so any support will be greatly appreciated.

So with all of that said, this is my resignation from facebook. I will be on for another 72 hours at the most. And I will probably post this a bunch of times on there, so brace yourselves.

P.S.

I wont be deleting Twitter.

P.P.S

...Yea thats it, I wont be deleting my Twitter.

The only thing that matters is just following your heart.

I'll just start off by saying that I am not looking for sympathy from this, just trying to express some feelings. This is not a woe-is-me post although it is going to come off as one.

Last night I took Gina out to dinner for Valentines Day. We went to a very romantic little restaurant named Sen in Wantah for some Chinese. We were talking and I don't exactly remember how it was brought up but at one point Gina mentioned that my life is "awesome"

Although my life is in some ways a lot more interesting than others, my life really isn't awesome.

Everyone keep in mind that I am feeling hesitant about what I am about to write, so if I start to go on tangents please excuse me.

I have given my life a lot of thought, and I have come to realize that I live a very depressing life.

I had a conversation with my mom today that was a little devastating. For the first time ever my mom was honest with me, and it sucked. In a nutshell, I am a pretty big disappointment. I believe the exact quote was "My dreams for you were crushed years ago". It stung to hear her say that, but I am glad she did.

I started to think about how miserable my home life is. Everyday my mom is in a terrible mood. Something awful happens to my family everyday. Today, my uncle with Alzheimer almost jumped out of a moving car. I can't even remember what yesterdays fiasco is; it is hard to keep track with my family. Who knows what is gonna happen tomorrow?

For as long as I can remember it has been like this. Even back to when I was an infant I can remember my mom on the phone, in or close to hysterics, smoking a cigarette and drinking wine; always complaining about her job.

She has recently tried to quit smoking. I am proud of her, but it has made her really depressed. She talks about killing herself a lot. I don't know if I should take her seriously.

My dad and I have never really been close. He's never really home. And when he is, he is only getting ready to go to the gym. He doesn't want to talk to my mom and I, he only wants to yell at me about school.

He has been sending me emails all the time. I hate it. He can't even take time out of his day to talk to me face to face.

I told my mom that I am going on tour this summer. I have made up a model that should be able to support us in all aspects of the tour. She doesn't understand that this is what I want to do with my life even though it isn't exactly a comfortable way to live. I'd much rather be on the road doing what I love trying to make a living, rather than be living in a nice house and make a good living but sacrifice my life. It doesn't make sense to me.

My dad wouldn't understand it either, but he isn't around to even explain it to.

She cried today, when I told her about tour and how I felt about school. I felt like I was twisting the knife I put in her back all those years ago when she abandoned hope for me.

They have Zach though. He always was the good son. He will make them proud, hopefully for the both of us.

My mom told me that if I quit school I have 2 month to get a real job and start paying rent before she disowns me. I guess I should start looking for jobs.

It made me think about last night, and taking Gina out. I spent all the money I had on dinner for her last night. I have $18 in my bank account, which I am gonna have to give to my mom for the $20 she gave me before I went out. It sucks having to live paycheck to paycheck.

Coming home tonight I felt a little empty. Walking into my house sucks. Always coming home to the porch light, and thats it. It feels terrible that the only thing that waits up for you to get home is a porch light.

I guess none of that really matters. If things go well this summer, it looks like I won't ever really be coming home anymore.

...I hope.

The Little Things.

Well if the titles of this post is misleading, I will clear things up.

It's gonna be a Valentines Day post.

Recently, I have spent some time talking to my buddy Mike who has fallen on some tough times. While talking to Mike about what has been plauging him, we discussed what really matters in relationships. And some of what he said really made me think.

I know it is a cliche, but it really is the smaller things that make a relationship special. True love is a nickname keyed into a contact list, it is a trip to a comic book store, it is countless hours on the phone, it is surprise sleepovers, it is a favorite place to eat, it is Such Great Heights by the Postal Service, it is a Star Wars themed bear, it is sharing a cigarette, it is pillow talk, it is building a snowman, it is skating at Firestone, it is the game, it is being pool partners, it is matching Halloween costumes, it is sharing an important secret and yes, it is even a facebook relationship status.

In the brilliant words of Kevin Smith:

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

Medi-o-core

This post is going to be really bland, so brace yourselves... for nothing (unless you read some of my other posts, the ones that I didn't promote publicly on twitter from my annual winter depression).

I have recently undergone somewhat of a life change recently. I have been acting a lot less like "Bilder" or "Sloppy Bob" and more like "Normal Andrew". Let me explain the difference between the 3.

Bilder:

You may know Bilder for a lot of different reasons. He's that guy in that band that takes his shirt off all the time. You know Valet Parking, The OverUnder, Bellwether. Or you know him as that guy who lights the shots on fire at parties and he always takes his shirt off. Or you know him as the guy who threw those naked orgy pool parties over the summer and talks about his sex life in vivid detail...

And he never has a shirt on.

This is who I am was most of the time. Loved music, pot, parties, weed, sex, ganja, masturbating, herb, drinking and mary jane. Hopeless romantic who was hardly ever single (still can't figure that one out). Tried to be a good guy but could easily come off as an asshole who had a big ego. Can't blame the guy though, he's like the best Bassist on Long Island. He loved to entertain his friends by getting nude and doing fucked up shit like skate in Jerry's basement. He would also eat/fuck anything.

Sloppy Bob:

If you ever went to a party with "Bilder" you have met Sloppy Bob. This guy is a big mess. He is who "Bilder" becomes after a few Flaming Dr. Peppers. He is loud, sexually provocative and an all around laugh riot. He always ends the night off by dipping his balls in some food. Its not a party unless Sloppy Bob shows up. And thats about it.

Normal Andrew:

Normal Andrew is who I am now. I love all the same things that "Bilder" loves, only I have toned it down a lot more.

Before I go on to explain...

Honorable Mention:

Brett Bretterson- See "Sloppy Bob" and add Hofstra athletic attire.

Now back to "Normal Andrew".

Last week I kind of just stopped being myself for some reason. I couldn't explain it at first. Things that I loved to do just didn't appeal to me the same way they once did. And it all happened at once; there was no gradually change. I stopped wearing hats, I stopped jerking off, I stopped eating. My sex drive isn't even the same. It's like my libido was just murdered. I was even less excited about playing music. It was weird.

I got a call from my friend Tina who I hadn't seen in forever and missed dearly a few days after I underwent this sudden change and decided to go meet up with her. I picked up Derek on the way to meet her in Bethpage and we smoked a joint on the way. Once we met up, we ran inside King Kullen and started to walk around cause it was freezing. Tina and I were catching up and of course it came to the point where she asked me how I was. Normally "Bilder" would blow this kind of question off and give some cop-out like "I'm doing well, can't complain. Just doing the whole life thing, you know?" but I really missed Tina and I actually do care about her and enjoy spending time with her and talking to her so I gave it some thought and thats when it hit me. Thats when I realized why I changed so quickly.

My life is pretty awesome. I won't lie. I have been privileged enough to play in 3 great bands that have all seen some sort of success, I have the best friends in the world and would die for them because my real friends are like family. I have a pretty awesome sex life and have been fortunate enough to meet a girl who can keep up, and sometimes even show me some things. My job is easy as fuck; I just sit and watch [adult swim] all the time. Why would I want to change any of this?

This is what I figured out.

I have been trying to avoid getting my life into a routine for so long, that I wound up falling into one anyway. I have been in a band since I was 11; thats 9 years, and I wouldn't change that, and I am NOT going to. I have jerked off almost everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, since 6th grade; age 12. I lost my virginity at 14 and have had sex with 7 girls, 3 of which were frequent, 1 still is frequent. and I wore a hat almost everyday for 6 years. I went on crazy awesome adventures numerous times since 2005. My life was so awesome that awesome has become boring. "Normal Andrew" is the result of years of having a kick-ass life for 2 decades.

It's like my body and my subconscious just knew that it was time to tone it down for awhile. So I did. And here I am now. Living life as a regular, everyday dildo.

I don't know how long "Normal Andrew" will be around. I don't know if "Bilder" will ever be back. If this is the end of an era; a chapter, in my life, then consider this a eulogy for "Bilder" and a brisk for "Normal Andrew". I don't know if I have any real opinion of who I want to stay around.

Thats about it. If you have read all of this, then thank you, I appreciate your interest and I will leave you with these parting words.

I still love music and all of my friends. I still love my girlfriend Gina and all of my band mates; present band and old. I love all the memories I have made over the years and I can't wait to make more. This is not swearing off everything that I was and everything that I stood for. I guess to put it simply I will quote Blink-182.

"I guess this is growing up"

Fuck you little princess, who the hell do you think you are?

I didn't post the link to this the last few times I wrote in it due to the fact that I was obviously terribly depressed and thinking irrationally. This time, I wont post it because once again I am thinking irrationally, only now I am more rage filled than anything. Fuck it, I may post this on twitter, I really want to. We'll see what happens after my rant.

I have been cutting down on the sexting I do with dumb girls. If you have ever spent anytime with me at around 9pm-2am on any given night then you know that a number of girls (usually still in High School) start texting ridiculous sexual fantasies to me. I never turn down the opportunity to take the ride with them till they cum or till I get bored. If only they knew what I was really doing when I say "My cock is so hard"; if only they knew that I was stoned off my ass in some basement or on some dock with all my friends laughing at them. I wonder what they would say if I told them that Hannah was typing for me when I was too busy to bother with them while I was watching [adult swim] or Weeds or Star Wars?

Now the reason I am typing this is not to confess that I take advantage of naive, hormone enraged High School girls. It is to vent how they make me want to scream. All of them don't see this for what it is on multiple levels. They don't seem to understand that its a rouse, which I guess means I did my job well, but now it has escalated to the point that they think I care about their lives. I don't. And what's worse is that they try to communicate on the same intellectual level as myself. They can't. It is horrifying how dumb they all are and yet have no idea.

If I was actually trying to get a nut off of these girls I would probably wind up killing myself. Having to explain what "get me off" means is not sexy. Typing "layed" instead of "laid" is not sexy. Its like they all think they are mature enough to be sexually active yet can't grasp the simple concepts of sex. I was more sexually savvy at 14 then these girls are at 16-18. And for awhile this made it so much more priceless. Like telling this girl that I wanted her to reach into a bucket of popcorn in a crowded movie theater to find my cock and then fuck her with everyone watching made all of my friends and I crack up when she responded back to me about how hot that would be, cluing to us that she was under the impression that I was serious.

But now its just annoying, because I am getting invited to proms and out to eat with them. They are coming to me with problems and dilemmas. And I just when I thought they couldn't be more dumb, I find myself explaining things like sarcasm and idiosyncrasies.

Well now I'm done. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't keep up the charade. If I have ever sexted with you, understand that there was a good chance I was with all of my friends and we all laughed at you. I am not sorry.

On a closing note, I have much better real sex than any of you girls could ever imagine up.

The bad dreams get worse every week, I think I'm losing a little of me

I sat alone in my car today and cried. I don't know why. I don't know why I get so sad around the holidays.

I went to bed last night, wanting to know what it would feel like to not wake up. I think tonight wont be too different.

I am happy I stopped posting the link to this on my twitter after each entry. It allows me to treat this like a journal, a real one. Cause no one really cares enough to go out of there way to read this. I have to put it out there. But now that I stopped, I don't need to curb myself anymore. I can be as pessimistic as I want. Nothing needs to make sense. I am just writing words. I am just typing what comes to mind. I am just slowly dying at my computer. Wasting every precious minute I could be spending with other people, alone, in my black room.

I noticed that I spend a lot of time playing solitaire in public; it's funny how even when I am surrounded by people, I am alone.