It's just a constant headache.

So I flaked on my promise of updating this thing once a week. The past few weeks have kind of been a little overwhelming. I hope you understand.

Before I begin, I would like to state that the opinions and views I am about to express are solely mine, and do not in anyway reflect those of anyone else in Bellwether, or Bellwether as a band.

I also would like to ask anyone who feels so inclined to refrain from reposting this elsewhere. Part of the reason I use a blogspot instead of a tumblr is that I find blogspot to be more intimate. Despite this being on the internet, I know that only the handful of people who bothered to click the link will read this, and that’s the way I like it. It sounds silly, but this is therapeutic for me, and I am writing this to help put my mind at ease, not to stir up any drama.

            For years now, I have worked tirelessly as a musician to write music that meant something to me and share it with as many people who would give me the privilege of listening. Growing up, touring the country and playing music that I had poured my heart into had always been a dream of mine, and that dream was beginning to come into fruition with Bellwether. Having done a handful of tours with Bellwether up until this point, I can say that all the hard work I had put in, not just in this band but my previous endeavors as well, had been starting to pay off. 

            The past few weeks have been especially difficult for me, as well as the rest of the guys in Bellwether, because of the actions that were inappropriately taken by a politically correct obsessed vigilante who orchestrated a witch hunt, a la Joseph McCarthy, with the vindictive, and admitted, intent of ruining Bellwether’s reputation and touring prospects, effectively hindering my ability to pursue my dream. As many of you may know by now, allegations of sexual assault against my drummer, and good friend, Harry, has enticed a mob of ill-informed individuals to take to the internet in hopes of getting us kicked off our anticipated tour with our good friends in Seaway by using scare tactics to intimidate venues and promoters alike; unfortunately, they succeeded.

            I am writing this to say that I personally have no ill will toward Seaway. Words can’t really describe how upset I am that we wont be able to do this tour with them, but I understand fully that this was a decision that was out of their hands and was made strictly with business in mind. Locke, Esh, Ken, PC and Shoji are some of the best dudes I had ever had the pleasure to hit the road with and I wish them a safe and successful tour, and I still consider them some of my best friends. I encourage all of you to go out and support them on this tour and pick up their album “Hoser.”

            I have not had the misfortune of meeting the misled, vicious man-child responsible for spearheading this smear campaign, but I can say with confidence that his parents did not name him aptly. Had he lived up to his name, he wouldn’t have maliciously and irresponsibly attempted to destroy reputations based on hearsay. I have done nothing to provoke this guy and certainly did not deserve to have all of my hard work tarnished, and quite possibly destroyed, because of his vendetta with my band. To deliberately sabotage something that I have spent more than a decade working to achieve, and to cause not just my band and I, but my family who has been a non-stop source of support from the time I expressed interest in music, all this anguish is despicable. Being in a band himself, he must know the struggle you have to go through building something from the ground up, and because of that I have no respect for him.

           

As for the girl involved, I want to express that although I strongly suspect that her story was born out of embarrassment, I do not wish her any harm and I strongly urge everyone to treat her with respect and to desist from directing any spiteful comments at her.  This is a difficult situation for her as well and she doesn't deserve to be attacked the same way my band I have.

Everyone reading this needs to be aware that this could happen to you.  You can work toward realizing your dream and someone you don't even know can post gross misrepresentations about you that can potentially ruin everything you've worked for and cherish. Don’t be afraid to take a stand against this kind of slanderous bullying.  It could be your band, your friend, your sister or brother next. 

            To all the girls out there, please never be intimidated or feel compelled to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing or do not wish to do. Neither I, nor my band, would engage in or condone non-consensual sexual activity of any kind. It is reprehensible and abhorrent to each and every one of us. With that in mind, I stress to all girls to know that you have the power and the right to change your mind, stop, get up and walk away. 

            And finally to everyone who has stood by Bellwether through all of this, thank you. Thank you for seeing us through the hard times, and celebrating the good times. You guys are the fuel that keeps this band going. Without you guys, we wouldn’t be half the band we are today. We say it all the time, but it’s true; this is you band too. Thank you, for everything. We’ll see you guys in 2014. Brace yourself for the best music we have ever written.

I hope to continue on with my “memoirs” next week. I am currently juggling three jobs, as well as working on a new record with Bellwether, so all the time I had when I first started this project has kind of disappeared. But I intend to continue to post here as frequently as possible.

Thank you for reading. 

At your funeral.

The earliest memory I can recall is of my great-grandmother’s funeral. I actually remember it so vividly that a few years ago, when my Aunt Linda died of lung cancer, I was able to locate my great-grandmother’s grave just by looking at the trees.

I was a very little boy. I remember staring at my father’s legs and I remember believing in god. It was the fall and it was cool. There were plenty of leaves on the ground, and they were wet, but it wasn’t raining. My family formed a semi-circle around the grave, and I was near the far left of the circle, in-between my cousins and my parents.

My great-grandmother was very old, close to 100 I believe, so there weren’t many people at her funeral; just my parents, my little brother Zach, my cousins Adam and Jaime, my Uncle Morty and my Aunt Linda, my grandparents Phil and Molly, the Rabbi and maybe one or two other people. The Rabbi was pretty brief with the service. Before I even had a chance to really grasp what was going on, it was my turn to shovel some dirt into her grave. And that was it.

I wasn’t raised in an organized religion. My father is Jewish and my mother is Christian, and they decided to let me figure out what I wanted to believe in as I grew up, so long as I treated everyone the way I would want to be treated. This didn’t really have any adverse effect on me, although it did become confusing at times.

            My grandmother, Molly, died when I was in the fifth grade. That was the only time I had ever seen my grandfather ,Phil, cry. She was my father’s mother, and she was Jewish. Her funeral wasn’t all that different from my great-grandmothers. The same groups of people gathered around her grave, listened to the Rabbi speak briefly, and shovel dirt into her grave. The days that followed were spent sitting Shiva in my grandparent’s house. My family all sat in the living room and I spent my time alone in my grandparent’s bedroom, watching “Speed” and eating bread. For some reason, I didn’t take my grandmother’s death as bad as everyone else did. I was more or less indifferent.

            When I finally returned to school, my teacher Mr. Golding, had me explain to the class where I had been and why I was out from school. I was the first kid in my class to have a family member die. Shortly after I was finished explaining to my class why I was absent for a few days, I received a note. It was from Veronica. The note read:

“I’m sorry to tell you that your grandmother is going to hell for being Jewish.”

At first, I didn’t know how to handle it. This was the first time in my life that I was met with extreme prejudice. I didn’t tell anyone about the note except for my friends Matt and David. 

This world will know my name when I die.

Today is the first day that I am sitting at my desk since I have graduated college. Until now, my laptop has resided exclusively on the small, black, ottoman next my bed since May, and the chair next to my desk has held more jackets than asses.

            My desk was purchased at IKEA, and when it was first assembled, it looked very nice and complimented my room. Years later, my desk has been somewhat worn down. It is covered in scratches from Tech Decks and the paint at the end, where I rest my right arm, has peeled off little by little. Underneath an orgy of scratch marks, the name “Gina” can still be made out next to the gash I put in my desk with the knife I disposed of in the street one night when I was high and nervous about what I would do with it if I ever came across her boyfriend. There are some burn marks from where I would light tape on fire, or let some lighter fluid leak onto my desk before I would ignite it.

            My desk is littered with mementos from life, things that almost killed me, and things that have defined me. At the head of my desk is blink-182’s “Enema of the State,” the first CD I ever purchased and the reason I play Pop-Punk. Next to that is “…but I have to,” which I consider the most important music I have written so far. On the other end of the desk are the two bottles of Brooklyn Local, 1 and 2, the last thing I drank before I began a life changing diet that literally postponed my death.

            The windowsill that overlooks my elementary school bus stop holds the plastic mouthpiece I inhaled at Kasbah, and the nose of my first longboard that sent my hurling toward the pavement so many times. They sit next to the breast cancer awareness bracelet that I bought when I found out my mothers diagnosis and the “Wake Up, East Meadow” bracelet I bought to remind me of all the friends I lost to heroine and pills. And in a Hofstra shot glass is the only jewelry I own. The bracelet I wear to funerals and two necklaces, one with the words “Love Monica” engraved on the back.

            The corkboard that surrounds my window proudly displays the Calvary Show flyer that Valet Parking opened the day before my 14^th birthday. Next to that is the joker card I received at a Theatre Guild function even though I didn’t earn or deserve it. Right below that is the napkin that the stripper from Le Café wrote her number on and gave to me while she smoked cigarettes in the woman’s bathroom and told me how her boyfriend beat her. And underneath that is the New York Giants Christmas stocking that CJ gave to me that holds the Polaroid’s and the notes that Eileen has given to me. On the other side is the plate that Grambo drew my face on at Fawn’s BBQ along with this weird pin that I stole from Real Sports in Toronto. And there are my spare set of car keys, still bent and scratched from when they got caught underneath a skateboard while my friends and I were human bowling in front of Stef’s house.

I guess my desk says a lot about me.

            At the end of my last semester in college, I wrote a piece for my Narrative Voice class that explained, for the most part, why I was so quiet during my time at Hofstra. I could give a large summary, or even rewrite the entire thing, but I feel this excerpt from the conclusion pretty much sums up the entire piece nicely:

“For most people, puberty is the most awkward period of time in their life. For me, it was college. For the first time in my 22 years of existence, I found myself unwilling to invite people into my life out of fear that I was going to come off as a condescending fuck if I let anyone know that I tour the country in a band that is starting to gain recognition on and off of Long Island.”

            After I presented this piece, my professor asked me to stay after class to talk to me, and ultimately what she told me was to not be afraid to write about myself. She told me that I have a story to tell and that I shouldn’t allow the fear of being labeled a narcissist interfere with telling it.

So what did I do with that advice? I took my laptop that was surrounded by stories of my life and moved it across my room to become an exclusive gateway for virtual sex.

            Besides one instance when I wrote a long and winded message to this girl Julie about reconciling our friendship, I had pretty much abstained from writing anything of substance until the other day. Kevin Burke had posted some “article” by some clown who rambled on about how chivalry is dead. I promptly whipped up a rebuttal and posted it, and it felt good. It felt good to finally write something not just for people to read, but also for myself. For a moment I had stopped giving a shit about how people would react to what I had to say, and I just said it.

            I spent a lot of time post-graduation feeling numb. I would read articles online, posts on twitter and statues on facebook that I would completely disagree with and just keep my opinion to myself because I didn’t want to feed the fire. So I stayed silent, like I did in college, and I can say now that I have had a taste, I’m pretty much done reaming quiet.

            This post is my declaration, to myself, that I will take my English Degree and do something with it, even if that something is posting on this blog. I do have a story to tell, and it is damn interesting.

            Back in high school, in one night, I wrote out the story of my life on Live Journal. It was rushed and lacked substance. It was pretty much just a list of cool things I had done up until that point in my life. A lot of people read it, and a lot of people liked it. This is going to be my revision to that. Every week, for the next few months or so, I am going to try and post a different story from my life. I hope that if this interested you enough, you’ll come back and check them out, and I hope that you will enjoy them. But at the end of the day, and as cliché as this sounds, I am going to be writing for myself.

See you in a week. 

Why do I like Walter White?

With the exception of an incredibly long winded and private message to a girl from my past, I have failed to write anything substantial since I graduated Hofstra with a degree in writing. Since graduation, and touring aside, I have pretty much found myself with a complete and utter lack of ambition to do anything productive. If I'm not doing anything, I can't write about anything, so I did what any normal 22 year old, single male who just lost a considerable amount of weight would do with his summer; lay in bed and binge watch Breaking Bad.

As a person, I am not someone who would be considered "ahead of the curve." I have never really bought into hype, whether it be about a band or a TV show. I have found that most of the time the pressure to seem like one is on the cusp of the next big thing makes some people "like" something for the sake of liking it, or fitting in, or whatever. And visa versa. I think a lot of people will outright hate something because everyone else hates it. I mean, Ben Affleck is literally the worst Batman ever, and he hasn't even been Batman yet. So I typically bide my time and wait till the hype dies down before I check anything out. I think this is why I really like Transit's "Young New England," because I waited till everyone had forgot it happened to listen to it and form an unbiased opinion.

Anyway, I have had an ample amount of free time on my hands, and figured that 5 seasons was long enough, bit the bullet and dove in.

I got hooked. It took me 2 weeks to catch up to the new episodes. There were days when I didn't leave bed for hours. Not to go to the bathroom. Not to eat. Not to answer the phone. I just stayed in bed glued to my laptop, engulfed in every second of the show.

The hype did not mislead.

*SPOILERS*

Last night was the Giants season opener, and man was it disappointing. After a few hours at the bar post game, sulking with the guys and distracting myself with Brittany from Mephem, I rushed home and checked to see if last nights episode was on demand, and you can bet your ass it was. So I watched it. I woke up this morning, with the on demand screen saver bouncing around and realized that in my drunken stupor, had either fallen asleep or forgot what happened. So again, without leaving my bed, I watched it a second time.

It was towards the end of the episode, when Hank is arresting Walt, that this thought struck me: "Why am I upset right now?"

Obviously, because I have come to love Walt and hate to see him taken down, but what if this wasn't TV?

Walter White, from the start, has been a huge asshole. He essentially blackmails Jesse into cooking meth with him and traps two complete strangers in an RV filling up with poison in the first episode alone. He goes on to let Jane choke to death on her own vomit, which in turn causes the mental collapse of her father subsequently leading to an airplane tragedy that impacts all of Albuquerque. He invades gang territories and gets Combo killed out of greed, blows up a nursing home to kill one guy, orders the execution of 10 people at the hands of Neo-Nazis, manipulates laundromat employees to clean his meth lab which results in them getting deported and drives his brother-in-law into oncoming traffic. This is all on top shooting Mike (the one guy that Walt can possibly relate to, because he too was in the business for his family), and poisoning Brock. Not to mention using Jesse, at all times, as an expendable pawn and forcing him to kill Gale.

Gale, a fucking weirdo like me. If there was one guy on the show that I could relate to, it was the dude who sang operas in his house alone while he made tea. And it pained me to see him killed, but I forgave Walt.

If this guy existed, everyone would be stoked that he was arrested.

But I sat in my bed, feeling physically sick watching Walt get cuffed. And what was more disturbing to me, was my excitement when the Nazis showed up to save him, despite Walter clearly calling off the hit.

Why do I want to see this man win?

You may be saying: "Bilder, he isn't so bad. He was just doing all this for his family."

And to you I say, I hate his family. Straight up. His family sucks. Skylar sucks. Walt Jr. sucks. Hank sucks. Marie totally sucks. The only person in Walt's family that I like, besides him, is Holly.

Skylar cheats on him, Walt Jr. forsakes him, Hank belittles him and Marie sucks.

I can't agree with his motives, because his family sucks so hard.

Then you can argue: "But Bilder, Bryan Cranston is just such a good actor. That's why you love Walt."
To which I say, yea, you're totally right, but that doesn't excuse the character of his actions.

The only logical answer I can derive at is that I am clearly a sociopath who wants to see this criminal take on the law and succeed.

...well that, and the fact that he is so wood-damn brilliant.

I think the difference between Walt and all the other criminals on TV is that he is the MacGyver of criminals. The dude makes a car battery with sponges and nickels, melts a lock with Etch-a-Sketch crap, blows up a fucking building with a rock. Walter White is a mad genius and I love him because of that.

Other than that, I am truly at a loss. I  can't think of why I like this guy, and as much as I do. Everything this man does is apprehensible, and yet I don't want him to go to jail. And that I why I am urging you to save Walter White.

http://www.savewalterwhite.com/

Feel free to stir up some conversation with me about this.  Like I said, I just started watching the show, so I have totally missed out on having serious discussions about it.

This is my Everest.

Its been 8 months since I last posted a blog. I have attempted many times since then to write something, but I ultimately wound up leaving the posts unfinished and un-posted. Why? Probably because half way through them I felt like I was writing them for selfish reasons when I intended to write them for, I don't know... unselfish reasons? Who even cares? Not what I'm trying to write about.

I intend on finishing this post because I am going into it knowing that I am writing it for selfish reasons. Today, I need this. And to be honest, I don't really give a fuck about anyone other than myself right now.

... Anyway.

I started my last semester of college. It is rather bittersweet. I'll give you all the benefit of the doubt and assume I don't need to spell out why it's bittersweet. I will say that despite taking 18.5 credits, and having an incredibly hard time figuring out what to write for my 3 creative writing courses, this is turning out to be my best semester of college. Finishing on a high note.

Speaking of high notes, I stopped smoking pot... kinda. I don't condemn pot, I just don't think its for me right now. I just can't make it a staple of my escape at the moment; gin suits me just fine.

On to other things that I am "quitting" I think I'm just about done with social media. I am all about expressing yourself, I'm doing it right now, but I actually hate everything everyone posts on the internet. I don't even find anything even slightly amusing anymore. And moments of true spiritual clarity and intelligent insight are essentially extinct. All I see is bland, cliche and redundant attempts to get "likes." And to be honest, I think I'm out of the "getting likes" game. Not to mention that my facebook has basically become a dumpster for event invites. Which is fine, I'm guilty of that myself. But it is the only thing that happens, at least for me, on there anymore. So I'm out, for now. I don't plan on deleting any of my social networking profiles, I'm sure they will prove useful at some point, I just don't feel like seeing everyone post such hackneyed garbage all the time. Which brings me to the "asshole moment" of this post:

Everyone, go get an original voice. Stop posting about how sad you are. Stop posting about the weather. Stop posting about how everyone else is posting about the weather, subsequently making you apart of the very conversation you loathe so very much that you felt it was absolutely necessary to post about. Take those last two sentences and substitute "weather" with "sports." And probably most important, stop posting about why you're single.  Start posting about why you shouldn't be single! I think you'll find yourself in a better predicament.

^Now I know that by that I fall into the category of "people who post about people posting," and often times I do fall into that category, but try not to lose sight of the point I'm attempting to make, which is, you all spend so much time trying to be edgy and different that you wind up being the same as everyone else, and you, and probably your life, suck because of that.

Moving on.

I lost around 80 pounds recently. www.drbos.com if you're interested. No, I didn't exercise. No, it wasn't hard. No, it isn't fake food. Yes, it is expensive. Yes, it really works. To break it down for you, you spend 105 days retraining your metabolism to handle real food. They give everyone a free consultation, and they'll tell you how likely you are to see success. So if you're trying to shed some, check it out.

And now that I am not completely repulsive anymore, I think I am ready to date. I would have ended that last sentence with "again," but I don't think I ever really did the whole "dating" thing as defined by my dictionary widget. I have been talking to a few girls, and whether or not they feel like we connect on any sort of romantic level, I at least proved to myself that I still have the capacity to talk to girls in a quasi-intimate tone. I also, hopefully, put an end to a rather destructive relationship that has carried on well past its time. So now that all the pieces are in place, I can finally, and officially move on.

Alright, I guess I'll get to shit people "care" about now. If you bothered reading this far, congrats. Here is the payoff.

In December, Bellwether entered the studio with Vinnie and Brett of I Am The Avalanche. I think I speak for everyone in the band when I say that it was one of the most enriching experiences any of us have ever had musically. Personally, I learned a lot about the process of putting together songs in a way that was foreign to me and felt a sense of camaraderie that I never felt in this type of setting before. I feel like a better musician because of that. I guess I'll start at the beginning.

Prior to this last recording experience, I had dealt with two kinds of producers: the producer who is out for your wallet, and the producer that flat out doesn't give a fuck. Not to discredit these gentlemen, the products came out great (see Valet Parking's "Black Out" and The OverUnder's "First Come, First Served") but I walked away from these experiences relatively similar to the way I walked in, in terms of knowledge and emotion. Maybe Mike Watts taught me a little about recording bass with a pic and cutting the fat out of songs. And Maybe Paul Leavitt let me use the same bass that was used on Thrice's "The Artist in the Ambulance" (or so he claims). But once you look beyond that, all I have to show for those experiences are two EP's that I had relatively no hand in writing and that sound better than anything either band put out before that.

For the first time with this last EP, I felt a real connection with Vinnie and Brett. Walking away from our first pre-pro session (which I consider the first real pre-pro session I've ever been apart of) I knew that we we're in good hands. Not only did they listen to our demos near religiously, they showed up with a plethora of ideas to change and improve the songs. You could tell they actually gave a shit about the music.

Now this post is already long as fuck, so I'm gonna try not to bore you with too many details, but lets be honest, this post is more for me than you.

 *DISCLAIMER*
What I am about to write is in no way an attempt to discredit the efforts of anyone in Bellwether. Everyone played a huge and integral role in writing and recording all of these songs. And without the collaboration of everyone in the band, as well as Brett and Vinnie, these songs wouldn't be half of what they are. I am incredibly grateful that I was privileged enough to work with people so in tune with each other, and I think if there was any other combination of people in the studio, these songs would have suffered. Desmond, Harry, Dutch, Nick and Kyle are all as much apart of this as I am.

This is the first EP that I have been apart of where I primarily wrote the music. Out of the 5 songs, I essentially wrote the bulk of the guitar and bass parts for 4 songs with a heavy hand in the arrangement of all of them. Lyrically, I worked incredibly hard on two songs and as far as content goes, I believe they are some of the strongest and most meaningful lyrics I have ever written and I feel that people will really connect with them. So needless to say, I am incredibly invested in this product. These songs are all a culmination of a lot of hard work and they reflect the feelings and attitudes of myself and everyone in the band in regards to a collection of times that made us all who we are individually, and as a group. I feel that these songs all stand out from anything I have ever written before and show a more versatile side of Bellwether that may have gone unnoticed otherwise. I am incredibly proud of these songs, and I am eager to share them with everyone. I hope the excitement is mutual.

There are a handful of standout moments from this whole thing that I will remember for the rest of my life. The first came during one of our last pre-pro sessions.

We were essentially done making changes to most of the songs, and were getting ready to buckle down and get the new ideas locked in. Roots (which is going to be the song that closes the EP) was still in limbo. Vinnie felt that the chorus was too wordy and that the melody didn't stand out, and all of us were so used to hearing the songs the way we had originally written them that we couldn't come up with anything else.

The next time we met, Vinnie took out his phone and played us a recording of him in his apartment playing the song on an acoustic guitar with the melody he came up with...

I am having a staggering time putting how this feels into words...

I guess for this to make any sense, you'd have to know that I really look up to Vinnie. When you think about bands from Long Island that really paved the path, you think of Taking Back Sunday, Brand New, maybe Glassjaw, and The Movielife. Without these bands, I probably wouldn't be playing the type of music I am playing. Lets be honest, without them, who would this generation of Long Island musicians in Pop-Punk look up to? They really set the tone for Long Island, and that is why so many great bands in the genre come from here. That is why Long Island has its kind of sound. That is why the scene here prospers. "Long Island Pop Punk" is a genre all its own that is hard to duplicate if you aren't from here.

So to have one of Long Island's finest come to me and play me a recording of him playing my song, and then to actually pick up a guitar and play my song for me was an experience, that for me, someone so invested in my music and in the scene, is so hard to put into words.

The next moment came after we finished our last session at Westfall Studios. Desmond, Brett and I stood out in the cold talking for a bit, and Brett spoke to us about the importance of passing what we learn down to the next band to use and build on. We are nothing if not a community of people striving for the same thing, and when you reach one plateau, you have the choice to move on up alone, or pass the rope down to those who need it next. If my memory serves me correct, for Brett the band that tossed him the rope was RX Bandits. He told us about what he learned from them, and what he passed on to us. The whole conversation made me think about what I'm doing a little differently. I have an obligation to make music for myself, that will never change. It is who I am, and without it, as cliche as it sounds, I have nothing. But now, I have a responsibility to carry on a legacy, a tradition, of helping those who strive as much as I do grow the same way Brett and Vinnie helped me grow. For me, this makes what I'm doing all the more important. It added a layer of depth to the kind of person I want to be.

The last moment came in Vinnie's kitchen, when we officially finished tracking. We were saying our thank yous and good byes when Vinnie and Brett stopped us and showed a sincere sense of caring toward us. We were about to embark on tour, and they left us with some advice that may have been incredibly obvious, but the fact that it came from both of them was incredibly touching. Not to say that I didn't expect them to be caring people, its just that when someone you look up to so greatly shows compassion like that, it means a lot. I never thought they were just out for money, but if anything proved it, it was this moment.

I will forever have an undying sense of gratitude to Vinnie and Brett. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am or who I am now, and I have to say I am a better person and musician because of them. I'm not sure if they will ever see this, but thank you guys, for everything. I can't wait to get to work on a full length with you guys!

The EP is coming into its final stages and should be out in the near future. We are still working on a title, but if I had to choose one, I'd go with "Ranz des Vaches."

Look it up.

Across the room, I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

A few weeks back I posted about a friend who passed and made a vow, if you will, to go to the bar Benchwarmers once a week on Thursday's just to keep in touch with some of my friends that I had fallen out of touch with since High School. So far I have been able to keep this promise to myself.

Throughout the weeks I have seen and spoken to a handful of people that I haven't seen in years. Some of them, like Rich and Dewey from the class of 07 and even kids like Matt G who I really haven't been able to speak to since elementary school. And of course the few kids from my grade that I somewhat got along with like Kevin, Luis and Tom.

In high school I was friendly with everyone, but I wasn't really friends with anyone with the exception of the kids in the music and drama departments with few exceptions. Since I was in Valet Parking in high school, most of my friends we're supplied by the scene. This remains true to this day. Some of my purest and longest friendships happened because our bands happened to be on a bill together. So most of the time when I run into someone who I wasn't particularly close with from my grade, and they happen to acknowledge my existence, the exchange goes a little like this:

Christina: Hey! How are you?
Me: Well. How are you?
Christina: Good!

And then she will continue her way to the bathroom and I will go back to sipping my beer up against the wall. However, last night something unprecedented happened, and that is the reason I am writing this.

Last night a girl I graduated with, Nicole, spotted me at the bar and shouted across the room to get my attention. I finished purchasing my beers and walked over to her and we actually had a conversation. Now I know this doesn't seem like that big of a deal but to a degree it really is.

I personally feel that since social networking sites have basically taken over the majority of peoples lives, the need to be openly social with people outside of your close friends circle is almost unnecessary, because you get enough of those people on your newsfeed.

So for Nicole, a person who I was never really friends with, to initiate a genuine exchange really brightened up my night. In fact, I would say it was the highlight of my night.

I don't know if Nicole will read this (I added her on facebook last night so who knows) but if she does:

Thank you :)

Nobody move, nobody get hurt.

Be prepared to call me an asshole. 

For awhile now I have been hearing this overwhelming outcry for "support" in the scene. "Everyone should be supporting everyone else's bands regardless" seems to be the ethos today. I think this is bullshit. 

I don't know what happened to most people. No one has a backbone or thick skin anymore. Every comment, critique, criticism is taken as a verbal threat and because of this no one is allowed to have an opinion that differs from the masses. 

This may not be the most pleasant thing to read, but it is the reality of things, and that is not everyone gives a fuck about you or your band. I certainly do not and deep down neither do you. It is absurd to say that the scene is "close minded" because not everyone likes everyones band despite genre. If that was the case everyone would of bought tickets to Friday's Bamboozle to see Skrillex because he was once in a band. And do to the 6 degrees of separation, it actually makes more sense to have done that then it does to support every band you ever meet ever. 

Now please don't get me wrong, I believe there should be some comradery in the scene, but it should not be forced or demanded. What makes the scene so wonderful is that it is the truest form of democracy. If a band is good, people stand behind that band and support. Kids will come to their shows, other bands will spread the word and that band will gradually see success if they continue down the right path in the right way. To infringe on that process by denying people the right to decide for themselves what they like and insisting that everyone like everything is tyrannical and will ultimately lead to more people getting upset when they discover a band isn't as supportive of another despite the idea that no matter what we should all support one another. 

Everyone needs to come to grips with these facts: 

1: Everyone perceives things differently. Me not liking your band does not hinder you from what you are doing. 

2: Everyone talks. When someone says they don't like this, that and the other thing about your band, they aren't "talking shit", they are just talking. It means nothing more than that they dislike what you like. It does not hinder you from what you are doing. 

3: The scene doesn't get better if everyone just got along. The scene needs controversy, the scene needs different flavors. It makes things interesting and keeps things fresh. 

4: Some bands suck and are made up of shitty people. Supporting bands like that is stupid and counterintuitive. 

We are all different. Lets just accept that. So if you want to support every band in the scene, go right ahead. Just don't expect me to do the same. And don't try and make an asshole out of me because I disagree with the way some bands conduct themselves and therefore withhold my support from them. I am not shit talking, I am just talking. 

What happened to integrity?

I feel the need to preface what I am about to write (as I do with most of my posts) with a disclaimer. What I am about to write is not an attack on any one entity, person or band. It is merely my opinion about the state of the Pop Punk scene. There is a very good chance that my opinion will differ from yours. This does not mean we can't be friends. This does not mean I hate you. All this is, is a series of observations that lead me to feel the way I do about certain things. I have been an active member of the Pop Punk community for 11 years. What I am about to write is about some things I have noticed in those 11 years. 

Before The Wonder Years released The Upsides, the state of Pop Punk was in a strange place. There was a period of time where the majority of bands we're either catering to the hardcore scene or the pop scene. This is not to say that bands we're not attempting to be Pop Punk bands, they just we're not seeing the success or the attention that was given to pop punk bands before them. For some reason, I don't exactly know why, The Wonder Years changed this. 

When The Wonder Years did release The Upsides, it was as if they took a defibrillator and jump started the heart of the Pop Punk scene. All of a sudden, kids we're very much getting back into Pop Punk. At least that is how it seems. 

The phenomena that The Upsides created needs to qualification. If you are reading this, I am sure you already know what I am talking about. Its like everyone went out and got a "I'm not sad anymore" tattoo, or took a picture of them holding a piece of cardboard that read the same. There was even a company manufacturing bracelets with the slogan on it. It took on a persona much larger than just an album. It became a lifestyle; a mantra. 

Although The Wonder Years helped reboot the Pop Punk scene, they soon became (in my opinion) the scenes greatest liability. In order for a scene to work, many bands need to be apart of it, otherwise we don't have a scene, we have a monopoly.

Lets now juxtapose this with what I will call, for all intents and purposes, the Drive-Thru Era of Pop Punk. If you don't know what I am talking about, I suggest you wikipedia that shit now. Spend the next 3 hours reading about the bands on that label and then come back to this blog.  

Aside from the giants like Blink-182 and Green Day, the bands on Drive-Thru Records dominated the Pop Punk scene. And what was great about them is that each band offered a unique and interesting sound of their own. Bands that really stick out are New Found Glory, The Movielife, Allister, Home Grown, Fenix TX, Something Corporate, The Starting Line, Rx Bandits, Midtown, Senses Fail, Finch, Day at the Fair, Houston Calls, The Early November, Dashboard Confessional, Hidden in Plain View, Hellogoodbye and Halifax. Once again, if you don't know these bands, go look them up. 

These bands offered diversity and flavor to the scene. Chances are if you knew about one of these bands, you were a fan of at least 3 others on the label, and they didn't necessarily had to have been a Pop Punk band. As a whole, they were putting out music that more people could relate to, that had a timeless message and was catchy enough to be on the radio while still preserving the integrity of the scene. The Drive-Thru Era, in my opinion, were the Golden Years of Pop Punk. Not because I like these bands more than the ones that around now (although that is true), but because these bands have longevity. These bands will live on forever in the hearts and minds of the fans that were around when they were popular. Today bands will be remembered for as long as it takes for the next band to release an album that kids can vaguely relate to. 

I feel like there is little to no integrity today. Today it feels like it is less about music and more about who has more reblogs of a picture of themselves wearing a Man Overboard hoodie, eating pizza in one hand and drinking Arnold Palmer in the other. It seems to me that to most kids its about the fashion and the internet. Where as back when Drive-Thru was around, there was no tumblr, so you liked a band for the music. And you liked that band forever. 

When The Wonder Years released The Upsides, it was huge. I couldn't go anywhere without someone talking about it or seeing someone wearing a shirt with Hank the Pigeon on it. Until The Story So Far came out with Under Soil and Dirt. And the cycle repeats. Now I can't escape hearing people rave about that album or wearing The Story So Far merch. 

Please let me make this clear. I am not at all upset that these bands are seeing success. I am a fan of both. The point that I am trying to make clear is that it appears that kids are more caught up in the here and now of the scene and aren't embracing the over all beauty of the culture like everyone did way back when. It kind of sucks to think about it like that, but that is just the way I see things. Today it feels like its about trying to steal another bands thunder. What I would really like to see today is a handful of bands that just feed off of each others momentum and energy, in a big way. 

I can't believe it happened again this year.

This post is coming a little later than I hoped, but the issue, at least to me is still important and is worth mentioning.

2 Thursdays ago, I got out of work at around 2AM and I don't know why, but I felt like going to a bar. I have never been too fond of bars, I'd much rather drink at home or a friends house, but at 2AM I guess I decided it would be easier to just sack up and go to a bar. I went to Benchwarmers, it is right around the block from my house and it is frequented by kids I used to be considerably close with, so I figured what the hell. As I walked in, I wasn't surprised to see some old faces from my past and I was rather pleased upon entry to see these people. I was greeted with a big cheer from my friend Rich, who actually texted me earlier in the week to catch up. We hugged and we both were visibly happy to be with one another. Unfortunately this first sentence that was spoken to me afterwards was "Joey Ryan died today."

Since I have graduated high school, I have lost 3 friends. Joey was the most recent. I was never too close with any of them, but I was close enough that when ever I ran into anyone of the 3, we would have a rather long and in depth conversation. We all got a long and we all had a mutual respect and appreciation for one another. So each one of their deaths has impacted me on some level.

Much to my dismay, I was away both dates of the services for Joey. I send my absolute utmost respects to his family.

Last Thursday, I once again returned to Benchwarmers and was pleased to see even more familiar faces. This time the bar was raising money for Joey's family, so a lot of people I haven't seen in a long, long time were all there. People I once considered at one point close friends, but haven't really kept in touch with.

After speaking to a few people for sometime I decided that I am going to try to come to this bar every Thursday. Not because I want to get drunk, but because I am sick of telling people that "It has been too long." I hope I never have to utter that phrase again. The truth is, there are plenty of people I care about, that I haven't really kept up with since we all started going to college, and I don't want the next time I see them to be when they are in a casket.

We all live in an age where human interaction has been reduced to saying "happy birthday" on someone's facebook wall when they pop up in your feed. That sucks. That is the fucking worst. For me, there are too many people I can't imagine loosing, and I am going to let my actions show that. Sometimes you have to go the extra mile, you can't always be waiting for people to enter your life, because sometimes it's too late. So take some time out of your life and visit the people that you care about, even if you haven't seen each other in awhile. Get the fuck off facebook! Stop staring at pictures of people you once knew and go out and get to know them over again. Lets all start acting more like people. The world will become a better place if we all try a little harder to be more personable and to maintain friendships.

Much love and respect to Brian Cerdelli, D.J. Villegas and Joey Ryan. Forever cherished and missed. All 3 gone too soon.

Nobody else can tell us how to live our lives, we're not running anymore.

I am going to try my hardest to make this short and to the point. My entire life I have been able to overcome every obstacle thrown my way except my parents. For years now they have fought me on pursuing music instead of conforming to the regular conventions of life. Tonight, my parents and I had a fight not to unlike the ones in the past. The bottom line is that they don't get it, and they never will unless they see for themselves.

I don't ask for too much from anyone, but this weekend is my 21st birthday and I am asking anyone who cares enough to read this to do me this one favor. Please come to the show this Sunday at Broadway and go ape shit. I am going to try my hardest to get my parents to come out to the show, because they haven't been to a show of mine in years. I want to show my parents why I am as passionate about music as I am, and why I wont settle for anything else. And I can't do that without your help. Some people may never understand why we do what we do. The least we can do is attempt to explain ourselves.

I look around and I hate everything, my only friends are the people that dream.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on here. Mostly because I was going to that memoir thing. I still want to get around to that, but I in a different way. I think when I have some down time I'll do video journals or some shit recounting stories of my past, because I really do feel I have something to offer to anyone who is interested enough in watching and listening to what I have to say, if its a new perspective on an age old problem or just a good laugh. But looking in retrospect, I started the last memoir from a shallow place, and ultimately would have written something lack luster that wasn't genuine. So some day I will get back to that.

To catch anyone who doesn't know up, my life is just as hectic as it has always been. My mother recently was diagnosed with breast cancer. A few weeks back she had a double mastectomy and reconstruction done. Today she is back for another surgery because the tissues aren't exactly forming right. It has been a really difficult time for my family, mostly my dad and myself. Caring for her is no easy task, and if you know my mother, you know she has a very precise way of doing things and there is no compromising that. The road to recovery is going to be long and painful. At this point, the most I can hope for is that she will be able to return to her normal state of living eventually. My mother is a fighter and a workhorse and I think laying in bed all the time is killing her more than the cancer. Even in the hospital she wanted to work. She may be the toughest woman I know and I hope that the future holds good things.

I have lost track of how many funerals I have attended the last few years between family and friends. It has been a never ending shit storm since 2010. Mentally, I feel completely broken. I find a way to fake a smile in most circumstance, and pretend that the most pressing matters in my life are these trivial things like who will I sleep with this weekend or how will I be getting wasted. I have to say that I probably have become dependent on sex and drugs recently. More or less to numb the feeling of despair that I feel constantly. I have been drinking whiskey regularly. Everyday I fill up my flask and go the entire day drinking. It helps.

The band has been doing pretty well. Another thing that helps counteract the constant feeling of hopelessness. Our first tour was a success and we just recently got back from a weekend out that went pretty well. There is some petty shit going on that I wont delve to deep into. If you know, then you know. A lot of it is politics, a lot of it is hurt feelings. You can't win em all. I do wish that this nonsense could of occurred at a different time. Having to be an ambassador of peace on top of everything else that is going on is just so fucking annoying. I wish that I knew what was going on before everyone up and left, because then maybe this would have already been squashed. But for reasons that I fully understand but only partially agree with, that never happened. I guess if there was one thing I learned from this is to watch what you say to some people. It is very likely that what ever is said can be taken out of context and repeated, and it creates a mess like this. Also, if you hear some shit, take it up with the source. I love my friends, but I will admit that the maturity level of some people is lower than others. And rightfully so. When you look at it, there is a 10 year age spread. You can't expect a kid in high school to act and conduct himself the same way a college graduate would. You just can't. But when you mix all these different types of people up, you are bound to run into some brick walls that will make dudes in their 20's act like teenagers again. All throughout life there will be he said/she said bullshit (praise be to Fred Durst) but it is up to us to make a conscious effort to put that shit behind us and act like adults. The problem may very well be that 1 person dislikes something another person likes, and that is no reason to get all up in arms. It is just a difference in taste. We accept it and move on. No need to turn it into a spectacle. We aren't the U.S. congress, so lets stop pretending we are. At least for my sanity. I have real things to worry about.

I wont get too deep into my intimate life. I have been talking to a lot of girls recently. Part of me is over the past and ready to move on, but another part of me is fucked completely to hell and back, and it makes it difficult to commit knowing that I am so unstable. And not just mentally, but fiscally. My job calls me in about once a month. It is so difficult to maintain a lifestyle of being on the road when you barely work during the time spent at home. Couple that with trying to find a girlfriend. I can't possibly start dating someone when I have $10 in my bank account (no joke). So yea, finding someone to just have sex with to fill the void of feeling empty and alone is all I can do on a week to week basis. Which kind of sucks, cause what I really want is something substantial and permanent. The comfort of knowing someone is there. I guess in a way I still have that in all of my ex girlfriends. They have all been great to me post breakup, but it still doesn't exactly compensate for an actual partner.

I turn 21 in a few weeks. Kind of exciting, kind of terrifying. I need to start acting like an adult a little more frequently, which is terribly hard because I am such a degenerate. I can't imagine graduating in a year. What the fuck am I going to do? There are no jobs. Even if there were jobs, I can't find one that I want. Other than being in a band, there is nothing I really want to do. I have to say that living in a van isn't all that bad. Which brings me to my last point.

I became an atheist a few years back. I remember the exact moment. It was when I heard that Nat, the man who ran The Calvary Shows, was taken into a basement by radical christians and they tried to perform an exorcism on him. That was the moment I became fed up with all the bullshit that surrounds religion. This man did nothing but provide kids with a place to play music and listen to bands, and these fucks wanted to crucify him. Because of this, life has become increasingly difficult. Some people have the afterlife to look forward to, I have nothing. I have to make the most out of my time on Earth, which is incredibly hard to do when society basically forces you into the education system at 5, before you have the mental capacity to make decisions or form opinions on your own, and for 13 years, shovels this idea that if you don't get a job you will be nothing, so you have to do well in school in order to go to college in order to go to graduate school in order to get a job. So we are essentially all brain washed into this idea that there are no other options than the ones that are laid out before you, so you better pick one young and you better be good at it or else you are fucked. And that sucks. There was never any option that really appealed to me. So now I am stuck in this system, adhering to rules and regulations I never agreed to because society wants it that way. This is why music and skating are so important to me, because at the end of it all, I will be nothing more than ashes that will be dumped into a manhole at the Firestone parking lot. When you have no god, you have to believe in what is tangible. For me, skating and playing music is my religion. It is where I go to reflect and to mediate. It is where I go to be spiritual.

I think it is time for me to go renew my drivers licensee and then skate till my mom is out of surgery.

Gonna Take A Trip Down Memory Lane: Part 1, Early Childhood

One of my earliest memories is of my Great Grandmothers funeral. I was too young to really understand what had happened, but the day itself sticks out in my mind in vivid detail. It was during autumn. I remember this because there were brown leaves all over the ground. I was wearing a little suit, and I remember standing as still as I could. I remember trying to be sad, because everyone else was sad. But thats it.

According to my mom, I became very preoccupied with dying and death, and I assume it had to be around this time. I don't remember being so curious, but I do remember the trips to the therapist with my mom. According to her, I became too much to handle and she took me to a therapist, and rightfully so. How do you explain to an infant the complexities of dying? More importantly, why would an infant be so concerned?

I used to love going to that therapist. I guess it was because I was once again too young to understand what was happening. This therapist's office was in that big office building on Hempstead Turnpike, right by Lowes Theaters and Best Buy in Levittown. I don't remember what the rest of the building looked like, but the therapist's office was a small, dim lit room, with soft carpet. Every time my mom and I went, the three of us would sit on the floor and play Candy Land or with Lincoln Logs. I guess I was asked a bunch of questions, but I think in the end, the therapist ultimately distracted me long enough to not care about the inevitable and sent me on my way. I guess this is why I never cry or really feel anything when someone I know, someone I love, dies. I can't say for sure, but if I had to guess, I would say these early childhood therapy sessions were responsible.

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I don't ever recall a stage in my life where I found the opposite sex unappealing. The first girl I ever had feelings for, in the most remote sense, was Catherine from Pre-School. Looking back, I wouldn't say that I "loved" her, it was more infatuation. If we were playing house, and she wanted to be "the dog", I wanted to be "the other dog". If she wanted a toy that someone else was playing with, I made sure she got that toy. I was pussy whipped way before the term was even coined, and way before I would ever understand it.

I don't know why, but at some point I "graduated" from Pre-School to Nursery School. The difference being... well I really couldn't tell you. But Nursery School would be where I met my first real friends. Dominick and Alexa. The three of us were all from East Meadow, and oddly enough we all go to Hofstra now, weird. We typically did all the things you would expect kids in Nursery School to do: play with Legos and Play-Doh, run around outside, nap, pretend to be some dumb cartoon, all the things I wish I could do today without being diagnosed with some social disorder.

Other than making my first real friends, Nursery School remains important to me for two big reasons. The first being my first near death experience.

It was a rainy day. My mom had just arrived to pick me up and even though I probably had a great day with Dominick and Alexa, nothing was better than going home. I ran to collect my things, and slipped on some water from the rain and fell out of a window. My back was cut up from the glass and my ass hurt like hell from landing on the rocks placed outside, yet I did not cry a single tear until my mom found me a bloody and wet mess. I found out in psychology that most kids don't realize how hurt they are until the see the reaction on their parents face. I guess this is a textbook example. I don't know the statistics for toddlers who fell from a second floor window and lived, but I am sure I am apart of the smaller ratio.

The second reason Nursery School was important to me was a girl named Sarah.

Sarah was a blonde hair, blue eyed girl from North Bellmore. She lived at the second house on the right on North Jerusalem Ave after you make the left from East Meadow Ave. Sarah and I were incredibly close. Play-dates were frequent at both of our houses. After swimming in my pool, the two of us would bathe together. Sarah was the first girl I played "doctor" with. In other words, she was the first girl I ever sexually explored. A lot of our play dates resulted in us wearing only our underwear. I will never forget the day her older brother caught us. That was the last day I ever saw Sarah. Once again, I don't know if I would use the word "love" to describe how I felt about Sarah, but I do recall being devastated knowing that I was never going to see her again. Every time I pass her house, I think about stopping and knocking on the door and seeing if she still lives there. One day I might.

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The first day of Kindergarden marks the day I ever really felt overwhelming emotions for a girl. Her name was Kaleigh. She lived around the block from me, but we would take the same bus to and from school. When I first saw her at the bus stop, I immediately felt a change from within me. I was overcome with warmth and all I wanted to do was take her to my house and show her my fake pet fish. Kaleigh and I would spend everyday together for years and yes, we were in love. One of my moms favorite stories to tell about my childhood is about a conversation she overheard me and Kaleigh having that went something like this:

K: "I can't have a job, I need to take care of the baby. What job are you going to get?"

A: "I'm gonna be a paleontologist!"

K: "That doesn't sound like you'll be making a lot of money."

A: "Thats ok, we can live in an apartment."

K: "No, I want to live in a house!"

And so on.

Throughout Elementary School, Kaleigh and I would show our affection for one another by creating some really bizarre, whacked out version of tag that involved a lot of boys and girls chasing each other for no particular reason. Looking back, it really didn't make much sense, but I guess at the time there was no other way for me to show her I cared for her than to have my friends chase hers for the length of recess.

Kaleigh would eventually move to Levittown, putting our friendship on a hiatus of sorts.

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The kids I would meet in Elementary School would eventually to turn out to be the most important in my life, and if you care enough about the Long Island Music Scene, this will now apply to you.

Two of the first kids I ever looked up to were Jason Lopes and Matt Lagattuta.

Yes, that Matt Lagattuta.

Matt, Jay and I all took the same bus home from school. They may not remember this, but they were responsible, partially, for getting me into "serious" trouble for the first time in my life. As Second Graders, Matt and Jay found joy in cursing on the bus. Myself, being in first grade, also found it to be an enjoyable pass time, until the driver reported to my mother that I had been yelling "fuck" during the ride home. I started taking a different bus home after this.

When I was in Second Grade, my mother had to start working late on some days and enrolled me into Scope, a program where kids could do homework and play until their parents could come and pick them up. Once again, two very important things in my life happened during my time at Scope.

The first was my first kiss. Her name was Erica. Unfortunately, there is no cute story to accompany this tale. It doesn't make it any less important though.

The second would be the second meeting of Matt Lagattuta and myself, but I will get more into that later.

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Third Grade would mark the year that I officially became a "trouble maker". I began to use profanity liberally when my friend John has showed me how much fun it is when you don't get in trouble for it. During recess, we would run into the field and yell obscenities far out of ear shot of the guides, and for the first time I tasted what freedom was like. Being able to get away with even the most heinous of crimes and not need to worry about it.

I also learned how to solve my problems with violence in Third Grade. There are two instances that stand out in my mind. The first one being when Jordan, someone a considered a friend, took my Lego Pod Racer and broke it. My immediate reaction was to slam his head into the wall as hard as I can, as many times as I can. The second one was when Steve, someone I didn't really care for but I didn't hate him, stole my Pokemon Cards. I got them back from him that day, but the morning after, I close-lined him outside before school started and left him on the ground until my teacher asked where he was.

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Perhaps the most important event in my entire life happened in Third Grade, and that was my discovery of blink-182. Due to my neighbors David and Amanda turning me on to MTV, I spent most of the time I should have spent watching cartoons witnessing the only time when music would be played on MTV. Lucky for me, there are plenty of awesome cartoons for me to watch now, so I guess it evens out. I digress.

I was watching the VMA's terribly excited to watch artists I was barely familiar with win awards for more things that I was barely familiar with. Sure enough blink-182 would play "All the Small Things" and I would be forever changed. This was the performance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TIEUCMtosM

That 2 minutes and 42 seconds would be the best 2 minutes and 42 seconds of my life, making me completely forget about my trip to Disney World the summer earlier.

The day after this I went to Coconuts with my dad and he bought me my first CD ever, "Enema of the State". I didn't have the CD for too long though. It was promptly taken away from me when my mother heard the lyrics "He's a fucking weasel!" during "Dysentery Gary". She was double pissed when she saw the album artwork. But by that point, it was too late to save me. blink-182 stole my heart and soul.

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Matt and I would meet again when I was in Fourth Grade at Scope. Like me, Matt also had an undying love for blink. It didn't take us long to hit it off, spending most of our time at Scope listening to his blink CDs on his walkman and discussing which songs we liked the best, essentially "fan girling" way before the term was coined (I'm just gonna break here and say that I will probably deliberately repeat phrases like this throughout the memoir, just fucking deal). This would be the planting of the seeds that would eventually grow to form the band Valet Parking.

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I hit puberty in Fifth Grade. Needless to say it did not take long for me to get used to it. In fact, I embraced it whole heartedly. This became a problem when I was found going to www.assfuckers.com on a school computer with my friend Amin. The entire East Meadow School District lost computer use for two weeks because of this. Amin and I of course lost computer privileges for the rest of the year.

My Grandmother Molly died when I was in Fifth Grade, and this was the first time I was ever exposed to racism. I of course was absent from school for a few days and when I returned, I explained to my class that my Grandmother had died and my family and I sat Shiva, as is custom in Judaism. Sure enough, I was passed a note from a girl named Veronica that explained to me that my Grandmother was in Hell because she was Jewish. My response to this was rather... interesting to say the least, and years ahead of my time. I became a Satanist, in the loosest form.

I don't know why worshiping Satan seemed like the correct response to Veronica telling me my Grandmother was in hell, but I guess it made sense at the time. Sure enough, my two friends Matt and David (both different from my neighbor and Lagattuta) joined me, and each day we would "sacrifice" toys to Satan during recess and dedicated a shrine at a tree to him. I think this probably scared the shit out of Veronica more than anything. I assume she thought that Satan would drive up from Hell with my Grandma sitting shotgun ready to drag her down to hell and rape her or some shit, because she spent a lot of time pleading with me to stop and even pleaded with me in her message that she wrote in my year book.

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By the end of Elementary School, I was eager to move on to Middle School, so I can join Matt and all his friends in everything from school dances to joining sports teams. Little did any of us know then of how quickly things would change.

Gonna Take A Trip Down Memory Lane: Prologue

I think it was my senior year in high school when I first attempted to write out the story of my life. It was rather well received when I wrote it and I was pretty proud of it then. I have recently went back to read it again today and, well, it really wasn't written too well. Some huge parts of my life were completely left out and to be completely honest, I wasn't that great of a writer.

If I am guessing correctly, it is about 3 years later and my writing has improved greatly. Going to college will do that I guess. So I am going to attempt to do it again, but this time a little differently. The first time I did this, I tried to finish it in one night. This time I am going to take my time, and flesh it out over a few weeks.

I am doing this because I feel like it is a good way to let people know who I am, not just some guy in a band who is naked all the time.

Another reason I am doing this is because I truly do think I have a noteworthy life. Not to say that other people do not, it is just that I am kind of a much different person than most people, and my closest of friends can confirm that for you.

I guess I picked a shitty week to start this, because I do have important papers that I need to finish by the end of the week, but the truth is, I really don't feel like writing about anything else at the moment.

So here it is. What I am about to write, and what you are about to read, is the story of a boy who couldn't keep himself out of trouble, grew up too fast, fell in love with music, made great and lost great friends, made a name for himself, struggled with many hardships, stuck to his guns and tried his hardest to be an honest and genuine person throughout his existence. This is the full story of me, Andrew Bilder, free of falsehoods and exaggerations.

Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles, facades are a fire on the skin..

I am going to preface this blog by stating that I don't want help, I don't want sympathy, I don't want to talk about it, I don't even want compassion. If you loathe me, continue to fucking loathe me. What I do want is understanding. I am writing this blog, against my better judgement, as a way to vent my feelings and warn anyone who reads this that I am going to be on edge for sometime. So instead of keeping it a secret and waiting for something to go wrong before I sit down and write this, I am just going to get it out of the way now, because truthfully I can't handle much more bullshit than what I am already dealing with.

I can't sleep for shit anymore. I don't know if I am sick or not, but my tonsils are literally touching. Throughout the night I wake up unable to breath. My sleep apnea has been a problem in the past, but never this consistently.

I eventually gave up on trying to sleep and made my way down stairs to spend some time with my family before Zach heads back to college. Instead of this, I am informed that my Great Aunt Flo has died. I know it sounds weird, but I got to know her better than some of my actual grandparents, because they all died when I was much younger. The news upset me, but I guess it annoyed me more than anything else. And here is why.

The day before Thanksgiving my mom received a phone call informing her that she has breast cancer in both breasts. My family has been living in a somewhat numb manner. I personally have revisited some old habits that I am not proud of and coupled that with getting very drunk and very high. This may be why I can't sleep so well. I have literally abused my body to the core every night since we got the news.

This week will start the hell that is the reality of living with a cancer patient. Delegating my time was a hard enough task when I only had to worry about the band, school and working. And working happened so scarcely that it really didn't consume much time. But now I have to make time to take my mom to doctors and all that shit, and I lot of things are going to have to take the back seat.

So like I said at the beginning of this blog, I am only looking for understanding through all of this. Thanks for your time.

We've got the dream alive in us.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that this blog is gonna be about what has been going on today.

First and foremost, I just want to start off by saying that I am blown away about how positively the split, and more importantly, the cause are being received. It is truly amazing how a community can pull together for a cause like this and spread it like wild fire.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about in this blog.

A few years ago, you would hear people saying the scene on Long Island is dead. I must admit that I agreed with that statement. But you no longer hear people say that anymore. Is it because more bands are writing music from an admirable place? Perhaps that has something to do with it. But I think it is something much deeper than that.

What I realized today is that the morale of the scene is a lot stronger than it was a few years ago. And I think it has to do with bands trying to support other bands again, just as much as I think it is fans taking a proactive approach and really getting involved, creating a dynamic between bands and fans that is more like a family. Today I noticed 4 bands, Life Between Sleep, Giants at Large, With The Punches and A Loss For Words all post about the split for Mitch. It made me ecstatic. Because for the first time in a long time, bands are supporting bands, fans are supporting bands and bands are supporting fans.

I think it is this dynamic that is necessary to keep the scene on Long Island thriving. If we can keep rivalries to a low and support at a high, there is no reason for the scene to ever die again.

If you haven't already, check out this split, and try to give a little. If you can't give, spread the word.

Thank you all so much.

<3

http://music.meadowbrookrecords.com/album/for-our-friend-mitch

You let me down for the last time, truth prevails, and there's nothing you can hide. And I wash my hands of you, getting on with my life.

It has been almost a month since I posted a blog entry. I do recall a few times that I attempted at writing something, but a lot of the time it just kind of felt contrived and selfish, so I opted out of ever finishing them. However, I do feel it is healthy for me to post in here, so if this is nothing more than a bunch of ramblings (which most of these posts are), at least I wrote something.

College life still doesn't seem to be working out for me. I feel like I am always being consumed by a cluster fuck of papers and exams. I am doing well on most of these, I just kind of really need a moment to breath. I am always worrying about deadlines, and I get so caught up with other things that I kind of lose sight of the point of all of this, which makes completing these tasks so much more difficult. My social life at Hofstra has taken a turn for the better though. I have been hanging out on campus a lot more and I have met some really interesting people who aren't totally brain dead, a quality that is hard to come by in this school. So if anything, at least I am having a good time.

Bellwether just bought a van. I am pretty stoked to tour this winter. If anything, I am just excited to be away from Long Island for a bit. Of course playing music with the guys is the number one most important thing, I just feel like I haven't gotten away in awhile. The past few out of state shows were great. I had a blast in MA and VA, and I can't wait to do it again.

I have recently been talking to this girl Molly. I am pleased to say that we are building the foundations of what I hope will be a healthy relationship in any sense. I still have a lot to learn about her, and I am excited to take the plunge. The fact that she is intelligent, caring, funny, modest, open minded and mature is such a breath of fresh air. And I couldn't ask for it at a better time. I don't know what will come of all of this. It is difficult being in a touring band and having a stable relationship back at home, but she seems really special. I mean she has me talking in hashtags all the time. But regardless of what happens, I am happy to say that she is in my life.

I have been a little more stable recently. I have stopped going out of my way to make myself crazy. I don't know why, but for a long time I felt the need to continuously search for information that no longer concerns me but bothered me as if it still did. I needed to move on, and it took me awhile, but I am finally done and over it. I am defiantly in a better place now.

I guess that sums it up. I get to see Hannah for a bit tomorrow. I am very stoked. I miss her like hell.

I'm constantly goin through crisis, so maybe I could remain silent, but I ain't got no reason to hide it.

I find that it is much easier for me to write in this blog when I feel stressed out. I guess its just more fun to bitch and complain. And I guess I kind of need a break from typing up papers to type something that will alleviate a little stress.

Life right now... well life is a big mess for me. And its not necessarily a bad mess, its just that my life is in general is messy. I have a lot of things going on in my life and I guess I can just be easily overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago was Bellwethers EP release, and I think that was probably around the last time I felt sane. The show itself was defiantly something that I needed. Nothing could ever make me feel like I'm not worthless the way playing music does. It always doesn't hurt to have the most incredible fan base a band could ask for. They come out and give their all no matter what. It really does mean the world to me. Without all you guys, I probably would of been a statistic for the Verrazano Bridge by now.

Big things are coming up for Bellwether too. I am not sure how much I am allowed to say, but we are getting out of state very soon, and fairly frequently.

I met a lovely girl recently. She is me with vagina. Loves music, loves Star Wars is terribly adorable. It just so happens that as soon as things were starting to build up momentum, I lose it. I just couldn't handle it. I don't know if its still too soon for me to get into anything serious, or if I am just so consumed by all thats going on recently that I just bailed like an asshole, but whatever I am having anxiety about, I hope it passes soon. I haven't spoke to her in about a day, and I am conscious of how shitty that is, especially because she is so sweet, but I think, at least for now, its best if I just keep to myself till I can get a grip on all this shit.

I have been acting rather reckless recently.

I did the Broadway Bomb last Saturday with James, Bob, Rob and Nick. It was truly one of the greatest experiences of my life. I have to say that there was something about the race that just made me feel whole. Perhaps its the liberating feeling of totally disregarding the law and risking your life competing to cross through red lights and not get annihilated between a bus and a taxi that I needed to reassure me that life isn't this completely dark and abysmal waste land that we occupy until we die.

Aside from the Bomb, there were a few instances of anonymous group sex that took place since my last post, which basically sums up my reckless behavior. Wild times.

I guess I really should get back to my papers. I can honestly say that I feel a little more calm and relaxed having wrote this.

Good job Andrew, good job.

This is me coming clean.

As I sit in my room mulling over the new EP, I can feel the tears swell up and out of my eyes. This band has existed over a little more than a year and it has been a roller-coaster ride, and everything we have ever said or done in this band will all accumulate this Saturday.

I am writing this not to promote the show, not to promote the EP and not to rant on about some nonsense. I am writing this to say all the things that I feel need to be said in regards to all of this. I have a feeling that emotions will be running high on Saturday, so it is best that I say all of this now before I become too overwhelmed and can't phrase it just right.

This band started with the intention of 5 dudes coming together to make some music that others might enjoy. We had no idea that THIS was going to come out of it.

From the absolute bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you to everyone who stood by us. Thank you to everyone who learned the words to the songs simply by coming to as many shows as possible and for making those shows seem like the most important thing happening in the world at that moment. Thank all of you for spreading our word like wild fire. Thank you for being so patient for this EP. And thank you for being our friends.

The line between friend and fan gets blurred pretty often. I think that this is the exception to the rule. When no one else was there to listen, you guys were.

So thank you guys for everything.

If you haven't checked out the EP yet...

Listen to it here:

http://www.xeasycorex.net/2011/09/exclusive-bellwether-elephant-in-room.html

Pre-order it here:

http://meadowbrookrecords.bandcamp.com/album/the-elephant-in-the-room

Watch it happen here:

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=237278002975264

Thank all of you so much, this means the world to me.

I'm not sad anymore...

I am just slightly irritated and beyond flabbergasted.

Guys, I think it is great that you have all found a band that has said something that bands like H2O, to a lesser extent Set Your Goals and countless others have been saying for years. But this shit has got to stop. The Upsides was great for what it stood for a year ago. Now it has become like an oath for anyone associated with pop punk. When Kevin posted a link to a facebook page for a company that is going to be making profit off selling bracelets that say "I'm not sad anymore", I died a little inside. I am beginning to fear that this overwhelming influence that The Wonder Years seems to have is going to result in a loss of creativity and originality.

I guess my main point is this, and I'll even say it in a way everyone can understand: '

Can someone tell these kids liking the rain "I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE" no longer counts as an idiosyncrasy.

P.S. I would like to state that I do in fact like The Wonder Years and I do enjoy listening to The Upsides. However, by putting a price on a message severely decreases the value of the sentiment itself (as if it wasn't cheapened enough by its seemingly never ending utterance).

The entire idea of selling this message is no different and no better than pop bands selling their image.

I saw your ghost tonight.

As promised, here is the blog about blink, and the a whole bunch of other seemingly unrelated nonsense.

So on Friday, Travis, Nick, Hannah, Ally, Heather and Ian all took a trip out to Hershey Park to go camping, ride some coasters and see blink. I had been looking forward to this weekend for a long time because it was really like a vacation. I was able to escape the hellish life that is sitting in my room till its time to go to class, work or band practice.

Each night camping was absolutely great. We cooked food over a fire, drank a lot of rum, ate at Sheetz and walked around the camp grounds nude. This was my first time to Hershey, and although I enjoyed the roller coasters, I could of been more thrilled with them. My buddy Rob pointed out that Great Adventure is amongst some of the highest ranking theme parks in the world, so I guess that may have been a contributing factor to my expectations. Regardless, I had a good time.

So the entire point of this weekend was to see blink. I have to say that they did not disappoint. They played the best I have heard them play live, through in some songs that weren't on the original set-list and sprinkled hilarious banter throughout the set. I am really stoked to hear the new album after that night. The 4 new songs sound really, really good, and quite frankly, they give me erections.

Worthy side note: There was a very attractive young lady sitting behind us at blink. Her and I spoke a little bit and I was able to get her to perform felatio on me while My Chemical Romance was playing. That was pretty cool, but some of the parents there didn't think so.

So I started my last summer class last week, and I will finish it next week. It is another Shakespeare course, and I am enjoying it a lot. I have to say that the English Department at Hofstra is fucking incredible. The faculty there treats me like an equal, rather than subordinate.

I am happy to announce that I have put an end to what seemed to be a never ending conflict this weekend. If you are reading this, thank you for putting up with my shit, I'm sorry it went on for so long.

And finally, this week is a busy one for Bellwether. We got a show today in Hicksville, our listening party tomorrow at F and S in East Meadow, and we have another show Friday in Queens. Go to facebook for all the info, and get your ass to at least all of these things. It's gonna be a killer time. Good music, good food, good people, good sex.