To catch anyone who doesn't know up, my life is just as hectic as it has always been. My mother recently was diagnosed with breast cancer. A few weeks back she had a double mastectomy and reconstruction done. Today she is back for another surgery because the tissues aren't exactly forming right. It has been a really difficult time for my family, mostly my dad and myself. Caring for her is no easy task, and if you know my mother, you know she has a very precise way of doing things and there is no compromising that. The road to recovery is going to be long and painful. At this point, the most I can hope for is that she will be able to return to her normal state of living eventually. My mother is a fighter and a workhorse and I think laying in bed all the time is killing her more than the cancer. Even in the hospital she wanted to work. She may be the toughest woman I know and I hope that the future holds good things.
I have lost track of how many funerals I have attended the last few years between family and friends. It has been a never ending shit storm since 2010. Mentally, I feel completely broken. I find a way to fake a smile in most circumstance, and pretend that the most pressing matters in my life are these trivial things like who will I sleep with this weekend or how will I be getting wasted. I have to say that I probably have become dependent on sex and drugs recently. More or less to numb the feeling of despair that I feel constantly. I have been drinking whiskey regularly. Everyday I fill up my flask and go the entire day drinking. It helps.
The band has been doing pretty well. Another thing that helps counteract the constant feeling of hopelessness. Our first tour was a success and we just recently got back from a weekend out that went pretty well. There is some petty shit going on that I wont delve to deep into. If you know, then you know. A lot of it is politics, a lot of it is hurt feelings. You can't win em all. I do wish that this nonsense could of occurred at a different time. Having to be an ambassador of peace on top of everything else that is going on is just so fucking annoying. I wish that I knew what was going on before everyone up and left, because then maybe this would have already been squashed. But for reasons that I fully understand but only partially agree with, that never happened. I guess if there was one thing I learned from this is to watch what you say to some people. It is very likely that what ever is said can be taken out of context and repeated, and it creates a mess like this. Also, if you hear some shit, take it up with the source. I love my friends, but I will admit that the maturity level of some people is lower than others. And rightfully so. When you look at it, there is a 10 year age spread. You can't expect a kid in high school to act and conduct himself the same way a college graduate would. You just can't. But when you mix all these different types of people up, you are bound to run into some brick walls that will make dudes in their 20's act like teenagers again. All throughout life there will be he said/she said bullshit (praise be to Fred Durst) but it is up to us to make a conscious effort to put that shit behind us and act like adults. The problem may very well be that 1 person dislikes something another person likes, and that is no reason to get all up in arms. It is just a difference in taste. We accept it and move on. No need to turn it into a spectacle. We aren't the U.S. congress, so lets stop pretending we are. At least for my sanity. I have real things to worry about.
I wont get too deep into my intimate life. I have been talking to a lot of girls recently. Part of me is over the past and ready to move on, but another part of me is fucked completely to hell and back, and it makes it difficult to commit knowing that I am so unstable. And not just mentally, but fiscally. My job calls me in about once a month. It is so difficult to maintain a lifestyle of being on the road when you barely work during the time spent at home. Couple that with trying to find a girlfriend. I can't possibly start dating someone when I have $10 in my bank account (no joke). So yea, finding someone to just have sex with to fill the void of feeling empty and alone is all I can do on a week to week basis. Which kind of sucks, cause what I really want is something substantial and permanent. The comfort of knowing someone is there. I guess in a way I still have that in all of my ex girlfriends. They have all been great to me post breakup, but it still doesn't exactly compensate for an actual partner.
I turn 21 in a few weeks. Kind of exciting, kind of terrifying. I need to start acting like an adult a little more frequently, which is terribly hard because I am such a degenerate. I can't imagine graduating in a year. What the fuck am I going to do? There are no jobs. Even if there were jobs, I can't find one that I want. Other than being in a band, there is nothing I really want to do. I have to say that living in a van isn't all that bad. Which brings me to my last point.
I became an atheist a few years back. I remember the exact moment. It was when I heard that Nat, the man who ran The Calvary Shows, was taken into a basement by radical christians and they tried to perform an exorcism on him. That was the moment I became fed up with all the bullshit that surrounds religion. This man did nothing but provide kids with a place to play music and listen to bands, and these fucks wanted to crucify him. Because of this, life has become increasingly difficult. Some people have the afterlife to look forward to, I have nothing. I have to make the most out of my time on Earth, which is incredibly hard to do when society basically forces you into the education system at 5, before you have the mental capacity to make decisions or form opinions on your own, and for 13 years, shovels this idea that if you don't get a job you will be nothing, so you have to do well in school in order to go to college in order to go to graduate school in order to get a job. So we are essentially all brain washed into this idea that there are no other options than the ones that are laid out before you, so you better pick one young and you better be good at it or else you are fucked. And that sucks. There was never any option that really appealed to me. So now I am stuck in this system, adhering to rules and regulations I never agreed to because society wants it that way. This is why music and skating are so important to me, because at the end of it all, I will be nothing more than ashes that will be dumped into a manhole at the Firestone parking lot. When you have no god, you have to believe in what is tangible. For me, skating and playing music is my religion. It is where I go to reflect and to mediate. It is where I go to be spiritual.
I think it is time for me to go renew my drivers licensee and then skate till my mom is out of surgery.
