Across the room, I hope to watch you writhe again soon.

A few weeks back I posted about a friend who passed and made a vow, if you will, to go to the bar Benchwarmers once a week on Thursday's just to keep in touch with some of my friends that I had fallen out of touch with since High School. So far I have been able to keep this promise to myself.

Throughout the weeks I have seen and spoken to a handful of people that I haven't seen in years. Some of them, like Rich and Dewey from the class of 07 and even kids like Matt G who I really haven't been able to speak to since elementary school. And of course the few kids from my grade that I somewhat got along with like Kevin, Luis and Tom.

In high school I was friendly with everyone, but I wasn't really friends with anyone with the exception of the kids in the music and drama departments with few exceptions. Since I was in Valet Parking in high school, most of my friends we're supplied by the scene. This remains true to this day. Some of my purest and longest friendships happened because our bands happened to be on a bill together. So most of the time when I run into someone who I wasn't particularly close with from my grade, and they happen to acknowledge my existence, the exchange goes a little like this:

Christina: Hey! How are you?
Me: Well. How are you?
Christina: Good!

And then she will continue her way to the bathroom and I will go back to sipping my beer up against the wall. However, last night something unprecedented happened, and that is the reason I am writing this.

Last night a girl I graduated with, Nicole, spotted me at the bar and shouted across the room to get my attention. I finished purchasing my beers and walked over to her and we actually had a conversation. Now I know this doesn't seem like that big of a deal but to a degree it really is.

I personally feel that since social networking sites have basically taken over the majority of peoples lives, the need to be openly social with people outside of your close friends circle is almost unnecessary, because you get enough of those people on your newsfeed.

So for Nicole, a person who I was never really friends with, to initiate a genuine exchange really brightened up my night. In fact, I would say it was the highlight of my night.

I don't know if Nicole will read this (I added her on facebook last night so who knows) but if she does:

Thank you :)

Nobody move, nobody get hurt.

Be prepared to call me an asshole. 

For awhile now I have been hearing this overwhelming outcry for "support" in the scene. "Everyone should be supporting everyone else's bands regardless" seems to be the ethos today. I think this is bullshit. 

I don't know what happened to most people. No one has a backbone or thick skin anymore. Every comment, critique, criticism is taken as a verbal threat and because of this no one is allowed to have an opinion that differs from the masses. 

This may not be the most pleasant thing to read, but it is the reality of things, and that is not everyone gives a fuck about you or your band. I certainly do not and deep down neither do you. It is absurd to say that the scene is "close minded" because not everyone likes everyones band despite genre. If that was the case everyone would of bought tickets to Friday's Bamboozle to see Skrillex because he was once in a band. And do to the 6 degrees of separation, it actually makes more sense to have done that then it does to support every band you ever meet ever. 

Now please don't get me wrong, I believe there should be some comradery in the scene, but it should not be forced or demanded. What makes the scene so wonderful is that it is the truest form of democracy. If a band is good, people stand behind that band and support. Kids will come to their shows, other bands will spread the word and that band will gradually see success if they continue down the right path in the right way. To infringe on that process by denying people the right to decide for themselves what they like and insisting that everyone like everything is tyrannical and will ultimately lead to more people getting upset when they discover a band isn't as supportive of another despite the idea that no matter what we should all support one another. 

Everyone needs to come to grips with these facts: 

1: Everyone perceives things differently. Me not liking your band does not hinder you from what you are doing. 

2: Everyone talks. When someone says they don't like this, that and the other thing about your band, they aren't "talking shit", they are just talking. It means nothing more than that they dislike what you like. It does not hinder you from what you are doing. 

3: The scene doesn't get better if everyone just got along. The scene needs controversy, the scene needs different flavors. It makes things interesting and keeps things fresh. 

4: Some bands suck and are made up of shitty people. Supporting bands like that is stupid and counterintuitive. 

We are all different. Lets just accept that. So if you want to support every band in the scene, go right ahead. Just don't expect me to do the same. And don't try and make an asshole out of me because I disagree with the way some bands conduct themselves and therefore withhold my support from them. I am not shit talking, I am just talking. 

What happened to integrity?

I feel the need to preface what I am about to write (as I do with most of my posts) with a disclaimer. What I am about to write is not an attack on any one entity, person or band. It is merely my opinion about the state of the Pop Punk scene. There is a very good chance that my opinion will differ from yours. This does not mean we can't be friends. This does not mean I hate you. All this is, is a series of observations that lead me to feel the way I do about certain things. I have been an active member of the Pop Punk community for 11 years. What I am about to write is about some things I have noticed in those 11 years. 

Before The Wonder Years released The Upsides, the state of Pop Punk was in a strange place. There was a period of time where the majority of bands we're either catering to the hardcore scene or the pop scene. This is not to say that bands we're not attempting to be Pop Punk bands, they just we're not seeing the success or the attention that was given to pop punk bands before them. For some reason, I don't exactly know why, The Wonder Years changed this. 

When The Wonder Years did release The Upsides, it was as if they took a defibrillator and jump started the heart of the Pop Punk scene. All of a sudden, kids we're very much getting back into Pop Punk. At least that is how it seems. 

The phenomena that The Upsides created needs to qualification. If you are reading this, I am sure you already know what I am talking about. Its like everyone went out and got a "I'm not sad anymore" tattoo, or took a picture of them holding a piece of cardboard that read the same. There was even a company manufacturing bracelets with the slogan on it. It took on a persona much larger than just an album. It became a lifestyle; a mantra. 

Although The Wonder Years helped reboot the Pop Punk scene, they soon became (in my opinion) the scenes greatest liability. In order for a scene to work, many bands need to be apart of it, otherwise we don't have a scene, we have a monopoly.

Lets now juxtapose this with what I will call, for all intents and purposes, the Drive-Thru Era of Pop Punk. If you don't know what I am talking about, I suggest you wikipedia that shit now. Spend the next 3 hours reading about the bands on that label and then come back to this blog.  

Aside from the giants like Blink-182 and Green Day, the bands on Drive-Thru Records dominated the Pop Punk scene. And what was great about them is that each band offered a unique and interesting sound of their own. Bands that really stick out are New Found Glory, The Movielife, Allister, Home Grown, Fenix TX, Something Corporate, The Starting Line, Rx Bandits, Midtown, Senses Fail, Finch, Day at the Fair, Houston Calls, The Early November, Dashboard Confessional, Hidden in Plain View, Hellogoodbye and Halifax. Once again, if you don't know these bands, go look them up. 

These bands offered diversity and flavor to the scene. Chances are if you knew about one of these bands, you were a fan of at least 3 others on the label, and they didn't necessarily had to have been a Pop Punk band. As a whole, they were putting out music that more people could relate to, that had a timeless message and was catchy enough to be on the radio while still preserving the integrity of the scene. The Drive-Thru Era, in my opinion, were the Golden Years of Pop Punk. Not because I like these bands more than the ones that around now (although that is true), but because these bands have longevity. These bands will live on forever in the hearts and minds of the fans that were around when they were popular. Today bands will be remembered for as long as it takes for the next band to release an album that kids can vaguely relate to. 

I feel like there is little to no integrity today. Today it feels like it is less about music and more about who has more reblogs of a picture of themselves wearing a Man Overboard hoodie, eating pizza in one hand and drinking Arnold Palmer in the other. It seems to me that to most kids its about the fashion and the internet. Where as back when Drive-Thru was around, there was no tumblr, so you liked a band for the music. And you liked that band forever. 

When The Wonder Years released The Upsides, it was huge. I couldn't go anywhere without someone talking about it or seeing someone wearing a shirt with Hank the Pigeon on it. Until The Story So Far came out with Under Soil and Dirt. And the cycle repeats. Now I can't escape hearing people rave about that album or wearing The Story So Far merch. 

Please let me make this clear. I am not at all upset that these bands are seeing success. I am a fan of both. The point that I am trying to make clear is that it appears that kids are more caught up in the here and now of the scene and aren't embracing the over all beauty of the culture like everyone did way back when. It kind of sucks to think about it like that, but that is just the way I see things. Today it feels like its about trying to steal another bands thunder. What I would really like to see today is a handful of bands that just feed off of each others momentum and energy, in a big way. 

I can't believe it happened again this year.

This post is coming a little later than I hoped, but the issue, at least to me is still important and is worth mentioning.

2 Thursdays ago, I got out of work at around 2AM and I don't know why, but I felt like going to a bar. I have never been too fond of bars, I'd much rather drink at home or a friends house, but at 2AM I guess I decided it would be easier to just sack up and go to a bar. I went to Benchwarmers, it is right around the block from my house and it is frequented by kids I used to be considerably close with, so I figured what the hell. As I walked in, I wasn't surprised to see some old faces from my past and I was rather pleased upon entry to see these people. I was greeted with a big cheer from my friend Rich, who actually texted me earlier in the week to catch up. We hugged and we both were visibly happy to be with one another. Unfortunately this first sentence that was spoken to me afterwards was "Joey Ryan died today."

Since I have graduated high school, I have lost 3 friends. Joey was the most recent. I was never too close with any of them, but I was close enough that when ever I ran into anyone of the 3, we would have a rather long and in depth conversation. We all got a long and we all had a mutual respect and appreciation for one another. So each one of their deaths has impacted me on some level.

Much to my dismay, I was away both dates of the services for Joey. I send my absolute utmost respects to his family.

Last Thursday, I once again returned to Benchwarmers and was pleased to see even more familiar faces. This time the bar was raising money for Joey's family, so a lot of people I haven't seen in a long, long time were all there. People I once considered at one point close friends, but haven't really kept in touch with.

After speaking to a few people for sometime I decided that I am going to try to come to this bar every Thursday. Not because I want to get drunk, but because I am sick of telling people that "It has been too long." I hope I never have to utter that phrase again. The truth is, there are plenty of people I care about, that I haven't really kept up with since we all started going to college, and I don't want the next time I see them to be when they are in a casket.

We all live in an age where human interaction has been reduced to saying "happy birthday" on someone's facebook wall when they pop up in your feed. That sucks. That is the fucking worst. For me, there are too many people I can't imagine loosing, and I am going to let my actions show that. Sometimes you have to go the extra mile, you can't always be waiting for people to enter your life, because sometimes it's too late. So take some time out of your life and visit the people that you care about, even if you haven't seen each other in awhile. Get the fuck off facebook! Stop staring at pictures of people you once knew and go out and get to know them over again. Lets all start acting more like people. The world will become a better place if we all try a little harder to be more personable and to maintain friendships.

Much love and respect to Brian Cerdelli, D.J. Villegas and Joey Ryan. Forever cherished and missed. All 3 gone too soon.

Nobody else can tell us how to live our lives, we're not running anymore.

I am going to try my hardest to make this short and to the point. My entire life I have been able to overcome every obstacle thrown my way except my parents. For years now they have fought me on pursuing music instead of conforming to the regular conventions of life. Tonight, my parents and I had a fight not to unlike the ones in the past. The bottom line is that they don't get it, and they never will unless they see for themselves.

I don't ask for too much from anyone, but this weekend is my 21st birthday and I am asking anyone who cares enough to read this to do me this one favor. Please come to the show this Sunday at Broadway and go ape shit. I am going to try my hardest to get my parents to come out to the show, because they haven't been to a show of mine in years. I want to show my parents why I am as passionate about music as I am, and why I wont settle for anything else. And I can't do that without your help. Some people may never understand why we do what we do. The least we can do is attempt to explain ourselves.

I look around and I hate everything, my only friends are the people that dream.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on here. Mostly because I was going to that memoir thing. I still want to get around to that, but I in a different way. I think when I have some down time I'll do video journals or some shit recounting stories of my past, because I really do feel I have something to offer to anyone who is interested enough in watching and listening to what I have to say, if its a new perspective on an age old problem or just a good laugh. But looking in retrospect, I started the last memoir from a shallow place, and ultimately would have written something lack luster that wasn't genuine. So some day I will get back to that.

To catch anyone who doesn't know up, my life is just as hectic as it has always been. My mother recently was diagnosed with breast cancer. A few weeks back she had a double mastectomy and reconstruction done. Today she is back for another surgery because the tissues aren't exactly forming right. It has been a really difficult time for my family, mostly my dad and myself. Caring for her is no easy task, and if you know my mother, you know she has a very precise way of doing things and there is no compromising that. The road to recovery is going to be long and painful. At this point, the most I can hope for is that she will be able to return to her normal state of living eventually. My mother is a fighter and a workhorse and I think laying in bed all the time is killing her more than the cancer. Even in the hospital she wanted to work. She may be the toughest woman I know and I hope that the future holds good things.

I have lost track of how many funerals I have attended the last few years between family and friends. It has been a never ending shit storm since 2010. Mentally, I feel completely broken. I find a way to fake a smile in most circumstance, and pretend that the most pressing matters in my life are these trivial things like who will I sleep with this weekend or how will I be getting wasted. I have to say that I probably have become dependent on sex and drugs recently. More or less to numb the feeling of despair that I feel constantly. I have been drinking whiskey regularly. Everyday I fill up my flask and go the entire day drinking. It helps.

The band has been doing pretty well. Another thing that helps counteract the constant feeling of hopelessness. Our first tour was a success and we just recently got back from a weekend out that went pretty well. There is some petty shit going on that I wont delve to deep into. If you know, then you know. A lot of it is politics, a lot of it is hurt feelings. You can't win em all. I do wish that this nonsense could of occurred at a different time. Having to be an ambassador of peace on top of everything else that is going on is just so fucking annoying. I wish that I knew what was going on before everyone up and left, because then maybe this would have already been squashed. But for reasons that I fully understand but only partially agree with, that never happened. I guess if there was one thing I learned from this is to watch what you say to some people. It is very likely that what ever is said can be taken out of context and repeated, and it creates a mess like this. Also, if you hear some shit, take it up with the source. I love my friends, but I will admit that the maturity level of some people is lower than others. And rightfully so. When you look at it, there is a 10 year age spread. You can't expect a kid in high school to act and conduct himself the same way a college graduate would. You just can't. But when you mix all these different types of people up, you are bound to run into some brick walls that will make dudes in their 20's act like teenagers again. All throughout life there will be he said/she said bullshit (praise be to Fred Durst) but it is up to us to make a conscious effort to put that shit behind us and act like adults. The problem may very well be that 1 person dislikes something another person likes, and that is no reason to get all up in arms. It is just a difference in taste. We accept it and move on. No need to turn it into a spectacle. We aren't the U.S. congress, so lets stop pretending we are. At least for my sanity. I have real things to worry about.

I wont get too deep into my intimate life. I have been talking to a lot of girls recently. Part of me is over the past and ready to move on, but another part of me is fucked completely to hell and back, and it makes it difficult to commit knowing that I am so unstable. And not just mentally, but fiscally. My job calls me in about once a month. It is so difficult to maintain a lifestyle of being on the road when you barely work during the time spent at home. Couple that with trying to find a girlfriend. I can't possibly start dating someone when I have $10 in my bank account (no joke). So yea, finding someone to just have sex with to fill the void of feeling empty and alone is all I can do on a week to week basis. Which kind of sucks, cause what I really want is something substantial and permanent. The comfort of knowing someone is there. I guess in a way I still have that in all of my ex girlfriends. They have all been great to me post breakup, but it still doesn't exactly compensate for an actual partner.

I turn 21 in a few weeks. Kind of exciting, kind of terrifying. I need to start acting like an adult a little more frequently, which is terribly hard because I am such a degenerate. I can't imagine graduating in a year. What the fuck am I going to do? There are no jobs. Even if there were jobs, I can't find one that I want. Other than being in a band, there is nothing I really want to do. I have to say that living in a van isn't all that bad. Which brings me to my last point.

I became an atheist a few years back. I remember the exact moment. It was when I heard that Nat, the man who ran The Calvary Shows, was taken into a basement by radical christians and they tried to perform an exorcism on him. That was the moment I became fed up with all the bullshit that surrounds religion. This man did nothing but provide kids with a place to play music and listen to bands, and these fucks wanted to crucify him. Because of this, life has become increasingly difficult. Some people have the afterlife to look forward to, I have nothing. I have to make the most out of my time on Earth, which is incredibly hard to do when society basically forces you into the education system at 5, before you have the mental capacity to make decisions or form opinions on your own, and for 13 years, shovels this idea that if you don't get a job you will be nothing, so you have to do well in school in order to go to college in order to go to graduate school in order to get a job. So we are essentially all brain washed into this idea that there are no other options than the ones that are laid out before you, so you better pick one young and you better be good at it or else you are fucked. And that sucks. There was never any option that really appealed to me. So now I am stuck in this system, adhering to rules and regulations I never agreed to because society wants it that way. This is why music and skating are so important to me, because at the end of it all, I will be nothing more than ashes that will be dumped into a manhole at the Firestone parking lot. When you have no god, you have to believe in what is tangible. For me, skating and playing music is my religion. It is where I go to reflect and to mediate. It is where I go to be spiritual.

I think it is time for me to go renew my drivers licensee and then skate till my mom is out of surgery.