My best friends and late night drives are all I need stay alive

It's been awhile since I had anything remotely positive to write here, so this should be a breath of fresh air for anyone who reads this.

Yesterday may have been one of the most fun shows I ever had the privilege of playing. I am having an incredibly hard time articulating my words to even express how awesome yesterday was. Seeing everyone come together for every band, even the 2 bands that did not fit the bill (who ultimately disappointed me by packing up their shit and leaving with all of the kids they brought after they were done playing) was such a surreal feeling. It is good to know that local music still has a chance thanks to the kids who come out and give it their all. Huge shout out to Tom and his family for letting the show happen and I hope to be apart of more soon!

After the show and post show activities came to a close, Matt stayed up till about 4:20 AM and talked about a lot of things. One of the things that we talked about was why we pursue music when we know the success rate is low, that it is a constant source of debt and that it isn't the most practical way to make a living. Well shows like yesterday are why. I don't care what my living situation is, if I am able to continue making music and touching lives I'll put up with the worst. Its what I live for.

You guys, the kids that show up to every show and sing their hearts out, you guys are the reason I don't blow my brains out due to crippling depression.

Thank you all.

As long as you guys have your ears and hearts open, I'll be happy.

Send transmission to the one armed scissor...

Tomorrow, well I guess technically today, is my last day of class. Its kinda weird that I don't feel absolved of any of my stress. I know for a fact that I am going to get good grades in all of my classes. I know that I finished all of my work. Yet I still feel as if the weight of the world is still on my shoulders. I don't know if it is because I am taking classes all summer. I don't know if its because I am going to school to appease my parents. Its just so odd.

On a lighter note, Jerry's party was bitchin'. I was really glad that so many people came together so harmoniously. I got to see all of my friends in one place which is always great. I'm sure it goes with out saying that I miss 2008 greatly.

I set up my yard today. GTFN parties are right around the corner, so I guess I'm looking forward to that. I should be planning what I hope will become an annual nude beach outing. So that too should be great.

I realized today how fortunate I am not only to have great friends, but to have great friends who are completely ok with social behavior that most other people look down on.

I guess thats all I really have to say. I guess when I feel like the way I do now I instinctively come to this blog to write. I don't really have a reason for why I am feeling the way I do right now, so I guess this is the end of this post.

... I guess one last thing wont hurt.

You know who you are, and if you still read this, I am expecting a response from our last conversation.

16 just held such better days.

I write this post at the risk of sounding redundant, but what ever.

I have been feeling a little crumby about getting older, as usual. I think what's different this time is that I kinda figured out why I am having such a hard time coming to grips with the facts that it is inevitable.

The other night, James, Bob, Jerry, Rob and myself were all Long Boarding in the parking garage at Roosevelt Field Mall. Jerry and I are some what bigger pussies when it comes to bombing the garages, so we kinda sat up and talked while James, Bob and Rob skated. They would occasionally stop by us and join in the conversation.

It is pretty typical for me on a night like this one to get nostalgic, so of course we started talking about Calvary and how much becoming an adult sucks.

Just to back track real quick. I am becoming an English Teacher, and I am super bummed about it. I am convinced that I am going to live a miserable life. So I was bitching about it pretty hard.

Anyway...

At one point Rob turned to me and asked "Why am I so reluctant to grow up?" I thought about it for a little bit, and my answer came back to Calvary.

When you're a kid, you fall in love with things and then grow out of them. This is the natural cycle of things. When I was a kid, I was in love with Calvary. I can't think of a better time to have been in a band, to be in the scene. I have made life long friends there. I will forever be in debt to Calvary. But I will never grow out of Calvary. There is a huge chunk of my life that is missing, and I don't think that void can ever be filled.

See, unlike most things, I wasn't really given the chance to out grow Calvary. Calvary was stripped away from me... from us. There will never be any closure thanks to ass hole kids who showed up with the sole intent of fucking it up for everyone else, thanks to the fucking crooked followers of that church who went as far as to perform an exorcism on Nat for running these shows. God forbid this man from getting kids off the streets and giving them something to do.

And I think this is why I really don't want to take on responsibility as an adult, because I never out grew my childish things, I never out grew Calvary. And I don't think I ever will.

...I visit that church from time to time. I never really told anyone before. I'll go alone, I'll look around. (I feel the tears) Memories, they all come flooding back. I don't know what I am looking for there. I don't think I'll ever find it. I can't bare to look into Nat's office, and it pains me to see the stage without the banner hanging up. It's almost as if stealing it away from me, from us, wasn't enough. They had to destroy any evidence of it ever happening.

In some ways, it feels great to have been apart of something so special. It sucks that kids today will only hear the stories about the legendary Calvary Shows. It truly wasn't its time to go.

So once again, I find myself fumbling through memories of better days as I listen to Travis tell me about Mike and his new, REAL, job at a bank with benefits and a paid vacation, and how he is applying to Harvard and becoming an adult. Just a constant reminder knocking at my sub-conscious, telling me the end is near.

What I would give for just one more show...

for closure...