The only thing that matters is just following your heart.

I'll just start off by saying that I am not looking for sympathy from this, just trying to express some feelings. This is not a woe-is-me post although it is going to come off as one.

Last night I took Gina out to dinner for Valentines Day. We went to a very romantic little restaurant named Sen in Wantah for some Chinese. We were talking and I don't exactly remember how it was brought up but at one point Gina mentioned that my life is "awesome"

Although my life is in some ways a lot more interesting than others, my life really isn't awesome.

Everyone keep in mind that I am feeling hesitant about what I am about to write, so if I start to go on tangents please excuse me.

I have given my life a lot of thought, and I have come to realize that I live a very depressing life.

I had a conversation with my mom today that was a little devastating. For the first time ever my mom was honest with me, and it sucked. In a nutshell, I am a pretty big disappointment. I believe the exact quote was "My dreams for you were crushed years ago". It stung to hear her say that, but I am glad she did.

I started to think about how miserable my home life is. Everyday my mom is in a terrible mood. Something awful happens to my family everyday. Today, my uncle with Alzheimer almost jumped out of a moving car. I can't even remember what yesterdays fiasco is; it is hard to keep track with my family. Who knows what is gonna happen tomorrow?

For as long as I can remember it has been like this. Even back to when I was an infant I can remember my mom on the phone, in or close to hysterics, smoking a cigarette and drinking wine; always complaining about her job.

She has recently tried to quit smoking. I am proud of her, but it has made her really depressed. She talks about killing herself a lot. I don't know if I should take her seriously.

My dad and I have never really been close. He's never really home. And when he is, he is only getting ready to go to the gym. He doesn't want to talk to my mom and I, he only wants to yell at me about school.

He has been sending me emails all the time. I hate it. He can't even take time out of his day to talk to me face to face.

I told my mom that I am going on tour this summer. I have made up a model that should be able to support us in all aspects of the tour. She doesn't understand that this is what I want to do with my life even though it isn't exactly a comfortable way to live. I'd much rather be on the road doing what I love trying to make a living, rather than be living in a nice house and make a good living but sacrifice my life. It doesn't make sense to me.

My dad wouldn't understand it either, but he isn't around to even explain it to.

She cried today, when I told her about tour and how I felt about school. I felt like I was twisting the knife I put in her back all those years ago when she abandoned hope for me.

They have Zach though. He always was the good son. He will make them proud, hopefully for the both of us.

My mom told me that if I quit school I have 2 month to get a real job and start paying rent before she disowns me. I guess I should start looking for jobs.

It made me think about last night, and taking Gina out. I spent all the money I had on dinner for her last night. I have $18 in my bank account, which I am gonna have to give to my mom for the $20 she gave me before I went out. It sucks having to live paycheck to paycheck.

Coming home tonight I felt a little empty. Walking into my house sucks. Always coming home to the porch light, and thats it. It feels terrible that the only thing that waits up for you to get home is a porch light.

I guess none of that really matters. If things go well this summer, it looks like I won't ever really be coming home anymore.

...I hope.

The Little Things.

Well if the titles of this post is misleading, I will clear things up.

It's gonna be a Valentines Day post.

Recently, I have spent some time talking to my buddy Mike who has fallen on some tough times. While talking to Mike about what has been plauging him, we discussed what really matters in relationships. And some of what he said really made me think.

I know it is a cliche, but it really is the smaller things that make a relationship special. True love is a nickname keyed into a contact list, it is a trip to a comic book store, it is countless hours on the phone, it is surprise sleepovers, it is a favorite place to eat, it is Such Great Heights by the Postal Service, it is a Star Wars themed bear, it is sharing a cigarette, it is pillow talk, it is building a snowman, it is skating at Firestone, it is the game, it is being pool partners, it is matching Halloween costumes, it is sharing an important secret and yes, it is even a facebook relationship status.

In the brilliant words of Kevin Smith:

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."